Atypically Recovering

Photo: Mine

The last three of the past four years have been so difficult with not getting the help I paid for, and feeling like I was worth less than any other patient, but that has started to lift significantly after the last (and hopefully final) email with my ex-therapist. I never have to feel that level of despair and dismissal again. It’s like none of the mind games have stuck, and my head is free from the stress of all of it. But no matter what happens with the food (my head is still not OK), I feel so much stronger emotionally since I’m no longer being emotionally manipulated, and the additional food rules (more restriction) are no longer obligatory. I don’t feel the fear of not doing what she said, or potentially getting lectured about weird food rules that didn’t relate to any of my medical issues. Also, no more supplements to try, leaving me to have to Google them to make sure they were kidney disease safe; many were not. Baking soda might sound benign, but acid-base balance isn’t something to mess with. And not being asked for money for personal or family reasons, when I’m on a fixed income and have explained all I’ve had to give up for financial reasons, has been amazing. When I’m strapped financially, I adjust my budget, and would expect the same from someone else who is getting paid by others. I resented being seen as an ATM.

I’m sleeping better, and longer (I do use medical THC to sleep, though for a while even that wasn’t helping; it is working again). I don’t wake up expecting to fall short of food rules that just restricted more. I don’t wonder if yet another plan to get a phone call will let me down again with no regard to how hard that was to deal with for years after many requests to just call when she was ready to talk then. I never wanted more food- quite the opposite; I didn’t see the need to feed this body more than I had been prior to overt restriction relapse in May 2021. The ongoing, more lifelong restricting is still a problem, but no rules. My head dictates quantities, but it’s eased up on any absolute ban on foods or food groups. That might be a couple of bites of something that looks interesting, but I don’t have to finish anything that I just want to try. Some is saved for another day, or I learn whether or not I like something. Win-win.

A couple of friends came over to help me get food out of the apartment that I won’t use, so they could take them to food banks. That gives me some space to move things around my apartment, albeit slowly since I only have one speed, and it’s not very speedy. But that’s OK as long as I can make some kind of weekly progress. It takes a few days to recover from being up and active for more than 15-20 minutes, as it triggers the autonomic symptoms. I’m still not good with activity, but I’m working on it. I am mulling over a conversation with one friend about a bread/baked goods subscription I really like for their sourdough rolls and croissants that have ‘numbers’ that don’t freak me out. I have them a few times a month. My friend commented that she wouldn’t choose bread to end up on her hips, which took me back a bit (more restriction). She’s a sweet person, but that was hard to hear. Like because I have bread occasionally, that’s why I’m fat. I didn’t start eating bread again until last year sometime. People in most countries have bread or a bread ‘replacement’ with every meal. I’d started regaining weight a couple of years before that, and am still struggling to get it off.

With summer, it’s going to be a bunch of grab-and-go foods that don’t take much prep or cooking. It’s too hot for that, and hot food makes things miserable. I don’t mind warming something up in a pan, but that’s about it. Nut and raisin mix is a quick dinner (prepackaged), as is any pre-fab food that requires no babysitting when it’s being prepared. I found a military MRE component that is a nice fruit flavored bar that helps when I can’t get carbs sorted out with something else.

Sleeping better has been really helpful. I still wake up worn out, but at least I’m sleeping. My hours are totally flipped around, but I like being up at night- it’s cooler to work in the garage, and nice to sleep during the heat of the day. It’s good to be able to relax a bit before surgery in 2 weeks for some recurrent scalp cysts. The chaos of sporadic “therapy” no longer being a factor has been really good. I’m still settling into my ‘old normal’, but the internal freedom of no longer being controlled in absentia has been amazing.