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I don’t know how to do this. There is no interest in food- and not just my eating disorder ‘head’. Physically, nothing sounds good. I have stuff here that I “should” like, but there’s no interest in eating it. I’ve been forcing food that seems “normal” but not anything that stirs up too much fear. I’ve given up on trying to get more protein in. If I happen to want it, OK (still have to limit quantity because of kidneys and gout), but I’m not putting extra effort into seeking it out. I just want to be ‘normal’, whatever that is, and when I look in the mirror, I just see a disgusting body that is not deserving of food. I wouldn’t see someone else, my size or larger, and deny them food- but it’s something that has been in my head for over 55 years. I don’t deserve what others do, even if it’s just food to stay alive.
I’ve been trying to do ‘low pressure’ foods- like cereal and milk for breakfast, a baked potato for lunch, and some broccoli, rice, and peanuts for dinner. That doesn’t get enough calories or protein in for the day- and I’m sick of forcing the ‘numbers’ to come out right. I don’t want to think about it… and yet it’s all I think about. There is always something in my head telling me not to eat ‘enough’, though I’ve never gotten any consistency with the calorie amount set up as my goal- I haven’t gotten close to that.
With protein, it seems that a break now and then isn’t such a bad idea if it can reduce the workload of my kidneys. I know a good chunk of the weight I gained when I tried to eat more is because of muscle gain. My legs used to be atrophied enough that the tendon on the side of my leg, near my knee, was visible- and the reason I ended up with a wheelchair for longer distance walking. Now, my thighs are like bricks with some fat over them. My right bicep had basically disintegrated, but now is much larger. I know muscle is good, but I don’t want it if it means more weight, and muscle weighs more than fat.
I’m still trying, but I’m tired of it. I haven’t quit eating, but I’m not willing to spend so much time trying for something that feels uncomfortably excessive, no matter what the numbers say. I just want to pick at the things I do like and if it works out, fine. If it doesn’t, then so be it. Getting the “food rules” from the ex-therapist out of my head is taking a while, but going better. I’m more interested in being comfortable, and not forcing stuff I have no interest in consuming. I still aim for enough carbs to avoid acute renal failure again, but that’s the most I’m doing right now.
The worst thing I’ve ever done was go on the extreme restriction ‘diet’ in the summer of 1981… the second was seeking help from someone who ended up causing more damage. Undoing the damage, and also trying to ‘rewire’ my brain by doing the opposite of what my eating disorder head says is exhausting, and doesn’t move very quickly. To get ‘positive’ stuff into my head, I’m using a radio station 24/7 that has upbeat songs (happens to be contemporary Christian music with a lot of mental health ‘boosting’ songs). I do wake up with positive messages from the songs going through my head, so that is good. The volume is low enough not to bother my sleep, but loud enough that if I don’t have anything else on (movies, videos), I can hear the songs playing softly.
I’m so tired, but I haven’t quit.
Tag: adult eating disorder
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I’m So Tired Of All Of This; It’s Hard To Eat In This Body
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Figuring Out A New Normal After Toxic Eating Disorder Therapy
I can’t begin to explain how hard the whole food thing has gotten (again) with the mess left behind from therapy hell. I’m still working on it- and doing what I can. I don’t think she has any idea how her words- or more importantly the LACK of words- can crush a mind that is already set on “worthless”. Or she simply got what she could out of me (money), and doesn’t really give a rip now. I know it’s not about me- I get that logically. But my head is using it to make life more hellish. My head can override logic in a nanosecond when it comes to the eating disorder.
For all of the talk about not restricting, when I asked her what to do when I felt hungry (this was about a year + ago when I started feeling physical hunger again- took over 2 years), she told me to eat veggies and rice cakes… in other words, triggering DIET foods, but telling me NOT to diet- WTF? Tells ME not to restrict. WTF are rice cakes good for? Compressed packing peanuts? She suggested chocolate covered rice cakes….. seriously? It’s not food, and violates decent chocolate. And it’s a huge trigger back to the late 90s when I relapsed then. Being hungry terrifies me.
Everything in the videos from people who have GOOD ED recovery advice (Tabitha Farrar, Elisa Oras, various recovery vlogs) says that even atypical restrictors get ‘extreme hunger’. Body size is irrelevant (less than %6 of people with eating disorders are medically underweight- and some who are technically overweight are the size their body type is healthiest at). They say to let it happen, and eat what sounds good. It won’t last forever. But I just freak out, and drink more water.
https://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com/resources/eating-disorder-statisticsI am terrified to eat when I finally DO feel hunger, and the “anti-diet” folks ALL talk about eating what sounds good, and however much feels right- that after decades/years (whatever it is for an individual), the body wants to consume what it has been lacking. Veggies and rice cakes are 2 food groups to restrictive eaters. It’s MORE RESTRICTION. It’s not stuff people who don’t restrict spend much time eating, at least without being under duress.
Then add all of her damn-near-orthorexic-rules about additives, types of food, potentially problematic foods (for disorders I DON’T have- bad enough to deal with diabetes, kidney disease, and gout- no need to borrow trouble), and I didn’t feel that I could make a right decision…. but I guess that was the point. Make me depend on HER to tell me what to eat (she wanted to take control again last Spring)… but she’s nowhere to be found most of the time, so how was that supposed to work? I eat as cleanly as the US food supply and my wallet allows… but in the US, toxins are ingredients, and quality is expensive. Hell, cheap stuff is expensive.
I just want to be ‘normal’… and lose weight that I don’t need (BMI charts are bullshit- made for men, and no differentiation between fat and muscle weight- I want to feel better). I could ‘live with’ how I looked after I got back from California (1996) after that treatment center. I lost more after I got home, but it was OK- I was eating, working, and hanging out with friends. Like a real human. I was still very conscious of what I ate, and avoided eating around others for about 3 years (except to ‘look OK’ at the drug/alcohol treatment place where I worked, that air-mailed me to CA after a formal intervention). But I was managing.
While my dietician is telling me to put tube feeding supplements through the tube when needed, I still have “too fat to eat normal food when hungry” barreling through my head. I’ll see my dietician in about a month. She told me that in the meantime, if something sounds good, eat it- even if it’s not uber healthy. It’s OK to enjoy food just for the hell of it. And that sounds good, but triggers a lot of guilt. I hope to eat an apple cider donut later- it’s on the list for today, and I don’t want to chicken out.
I wanted to believe ‘good’. I wanted to believe that the therapist I saw on TV in the late 90s still existed. I knew she had helped a lot of people. I didn’t want to believe any of the negative press (there’s a lot of it online). But I think I know now why people died after stopping therapy with her (many relapsed, though since some left treatment before- or after- their ‘stages’ were completed, they’re not really known about other than the more famous ones). The inconsistent contact, not calling when she said she would, taking others’ emergency calls but not mine, “breadcrumbing”, etc take a huge toll emotionally. It’s the default ‘setting’ in my head to cut back on food. It’s been mass chaos and confusion. She’d blame it on not finishing up all of the stages (I was stuck in Stage 2 of 5)… but how does someone do that when she’s MIA and might not call for a month at a time, but wanted control over food again? I would have had better input by throwing darts at a list of food. Or just pointing to something in the freezer or fridge, but that would lead to an ongoing internal dialogue about the horrors of whatever I picked. Thank goodness my dietitian is easy to work with, and backs up her recommendations with a Masters degree in nutrition, experience with eating disorders, and sound science.
Nobody will write “She avoided nightshades” on my tombstone.
https://serenity-sessions.com/breadcrumbing-psychology-how-to-stop-chasing-emotional-crumbs/