Atypically Recovering: On My Own No Matter How This Goes

Tag: nutrition

  • Random Thoughts

    Random Thoughts

    Photo: mine

    It’s been an odd week. Nothing dreadful, just a lot of fatigue and no appetite at all. In some ways that’s good because I didn’t have money this week to get fresh fruit and veg after one shop on pay day almost a month ago. I’ve got some military rations that I’ve been checking out, and wow- France takes top billing on military rations. Of course, they’re used to good stuff. I’ve tried them from Denmark, Norway, Sweden, the UK, Poland, Spain (great biscuits), Italy (too much canned stuff), Russia (not good), Germany (uh, those entrees are scary), South Korea (rice & spice), Lithuania (very good one meal rations), France, and somewhere I’m forgetting besides the US (pretty good). The US has crap food standards, and has for years, which benefits the medical industrial complex, but the MREs are improving, and some components are quite good. But France wins hands down. Lithuania has some really good dark chocolate (as do other EU countries). But I’m losing weight, so no complaints on being broke or the military food. This week, I get paid, so will be getting groceries that will be compatible with recovery after surgery next week.

    I’ve noticed over the past couple of months that Canada seems to be the folks who are reading these blog posts the most (or have their VPNs set to Canada). Like by a huge margin over the 2nd place country (which varies). For a while, Indonesia was reading a lot of posts. I have no idea who reblogs my posts, but I’ll be putting those into spam and hopefully eliminating the auto-reblog thing.

    The weather has been more steady, which my autonomic nervous system appreciates. It was near 90F for a couple of days, but now dipping into the 70sF during the day (cool for this time of year here), and 40sF at night. I was watching some storm chasers on YouTube, and one watched a tornado heading to his hometown (he was chasing elsewhere), but his dad had his car rigged up to film, so it was all shown live. The town got a lot of damage to property, which is always sad. I think they said it was an EF-3, so very damaging.

    I was trying to find a new cover photo for Facebook, and went through that ‘album’, getting rid of some old photos, taking ‘public’ off of ones not being used, and ditching a few idiotic avatar backgrounds. There are more of those that need to go. I also ran across some old posts that are meaningless now, so those got deleted. General housekeeping. I need to do that with photos as well. The thought of going through over 3000 photos isn’t terribly enticing, but I need to get around to that, though also have stuff here in the apartment that I need to work on.

    There was one very odd FB ‘thing’ with someone I don’t know who was making some very disturbing posts about someone I do know, but no longer have contact with, so those got reported to FB, and I blocked the freaky poster. I’m no longer in contact, but those posts crossed a threat line that I didn’t want to make any assumptions about…. lots of lunacy, and very specific homicidal stuff that is never OK, no matter why there’s no contact. Came up on that always unwanted “people you may know” line-up that I hate. I always delete them, but hit the wrong part of the thumbnail, and was taken to their page for some seriously disturbed crap and a name that is very close to someone else’s name who knows the same person I seemingly never did know. I’m so glad I’m not their target !! It’s also annoying that the person I’m no longer in contact with still has their groupies showing up on the “may know” line-up. Humans make me miss my dog so much more. No agenda. No lies. No betrayal.

    About that surgery… I’ve had the same one done 3 times before in the hospital, and at least a dozen ‘one offs’ in a MD office, ER, or urgent care. I don’t anticipate any surprises. I do have a history of blood loss with these (had to stay overnight for the last 2 ‘mass’ removals ages ago), which tanks my blood pressure, and that messes with my kidneys. Scalps always bleed like crazy, so that’s part of it. A friend is taking me and bringing me home, as long as I do OK with anesthesia and bleeding. I don’t know yet if it will be with or without being intubated and on a vent for the procedure, but at least it will be over and done. It’s not a fun surgery to recover from since I’ll have incisions all over my head. I still have some of my dog’s pee pads that I’ll use as pillow protectors for any bleeding that continues a bit, and hoping I can sleep with where the biggest incision will be. I’m not sure how the CPAP headgear will work with a wrapped up head. I’ll figure something out.

    OK. Enough drivel.

  • The Summer Of 1981- The Starvation Pact & Understanding Anorexia’s Mindset

    The Summer Of 1981- The Starvation Pact & Understanding Anorexia’s Mindset

    Photo: mine

    I was so excited to be working at a summer camp associated with the church I grew up in for the second summer in a row. I’d been a camper there for 7 summers for week long sessions, and the idea of 3 whole months, working in the nature center was the best way I could spend a summer. It was the summer before starting at the University of Illinois- Urbana-Champaign campus… and I was nervous. I was looking forward to going, but still felt insecure, and went to camp armed with a diet arsenal of a scale, cellulose tablets to fill me up, over the counter diet pills, and a calorie book. I wanted to look better. I’d been criticized about my weight since I was a young child by my mother, so no matter what I weighed, it never seemed good enough. She wanted a greyhound to somehow come from a cocker spaniel. And I wanted her approval for something.

    What I hadn’t planned on was a cabin counselor in the village I was assigned to, who gave me many tips after she noticed what I was doing. (Villages were about 4-6 cabins around a main shower/bathroom building with staff rooms upstairs). She was likely under 90 pounds that summer, and a bulimic anorexic. We became inseparable on days off.
    I lost 17 pounds the first week, and was ‘hooked’ to watching the numbers go down. Other staff were concerned, but nothing was reaching my adolescent ‘logical’ brain, and I just kept plowing through. I was down 40 pounds in 5 weeks, and another 5 by the end of the summer camping season. I’d been ‘seen’ doing what I was doing, but I’m not sure that anyone realized how much my buddy at camp was keeping me motivated to keep restricting more. But I arrived ‘primed’. She and I were more supportive of each other’s lousy disorders, but at the same time, we were friends, and kept in touch for years after camp. The folks at the camp did try to get me to stop what I was doing, but nothing got through my thick head.

    For those fortunate people who have no idea what an eating disorder feels like, I’ll try to explain it. First, the scale dictates a lot. If there’s a gain in weight, no matter what the weight is, more restriction is ‘required’ by the eating disorder ‘voice’. It’s not an audible voice, but more like loud thoughts, and they are not to be disobeyed. If they are, then more exercise or less food for a longer period of time is mandated. The next thing is watching calories going down in the food logs (there are almost always food logs). It’s a ‘high’ to see ‘disappearing’ or ‘shrinking’ however it happens. If the ‘numbers’ aren’t OK in the food log, then there’s more tendency to compensate, by more exercise, laxatives (my preference back then), diuretics (altered a prescription for those to get many more refills and pills per refill), vomiting (not my thing), or for some diabetics, they can very dangerously manipulate their insulin (that’s a line I won’t cross). It’s having a terrorist in your head that will do more damage if it’s not pleased with ‘progress’ and compliance.

    Gradually, more foods are eliminated and categorized as ‘bad’. ‘Bad foods’ are to be avoided at all costs, or the fear is that so much weight will come back that it’s paralyzing to be urged to eat ‘bad’ foods. It can be physically painful. When others, however well-meaning, try and force ‘bad’ food, it causes the ED to dig in even more. There is no weight low enough, no calories few enough, etc. It’s a never-ending cycle of eating less, not making weight goals, and being totally obsessed with all things about food. At the same time, there is hunger for a while, but after enough time under-eating/starving, hunger stops. Initially, I didn’t see why it was such a big deal. To be made to eat more than is deemed ‘safe’ is a legitimate panic trigger. My mind would go blank, and it seemed like I was being tormented by those who wanted me to eat more instead of realizing that it was the disorder reacting. And it’s exhausting.

    As far as ‘control’, it’s lost fairly quickly. The drive to keep going is all-encompassing, and outside ‘voices’ do little but fan the flames of the ED. Control is also messed up when the body rebels and triggers ‘binges’ to recoup some lost energy, which can lead to full-on bulimia, or eating less for the next several days, only to set up another binge. A lot of info is coming out now about how binge eaters are likely to be doing a fair amount of restricting between binges- and are not that unlike other restrictive eating disorders. Someone can be overweight and still restricting. Metabolism slows during restriction, so when the body is fed, by whatever means (binge, more balanced eating), the calories are stored as fat for the next ‘famine’.

    As time goes on, and more attempts at treatment are attempted, there is a changing awareness of how messed up things are, but still no power to change it without external, safe therapy. Most of us know how we look to other people, and that we’re not normal. And most of us want to be normal- we just can’t get there overnight. We know our food rules and behaviors aren’t healthy. We know our thinking- at least about food and weight is messed up, but many are hard working and high achievers in any other area.

    The mental part is largely due to starvation. The Ancel Keys “Minnesota Starvation Study” is a blueprint for turning a mind into an eating disorder maze of chaos. Thinking about food constantly, shopping for food, making food for others, avoiding eating food, for some- planning binges, sleeplessness, headaches, lousy concentration, inability to retain info from reading materials, and many other mental and physical symptoms are because of starvation. Food reverses this- I’ve been there, and yet I can’t just snap out of this relapse. It’s wanting SO badly to be back in a more ‘stable’ disorder- when my head still categorizes food, but I’m not in the ‘retribution’ part of the ED when I do/did eat.

    My parents were ‘OK’ with the rapid and extreme weight loss. They didn’t know at the time how messed up I was, or that it’d become a lifelong issue. My weight has fluctuated a lot from visible ribs to multiple chins but my thoughts about food stayed largely unchanged. My highest weights were from drinking calories in soda and juice after one outpatient program that forbade non-caloric liquids (like a death sentence when diet soda was its own food group). But my folks had no clue until the following February when I was sent to the psych hospital, and they were baffled about what the big deal was, even seeing me for a few weeks between camp and the U of I, and sending me suspenders to hold my jeans up. I was still ‘preemptively’ purging with laxatives, and while I tired to eat ‘enough’ if I had to eat around them or others, my head was beating me up a lot.

    That summer of 1981 changed my life for decades. It’s been 45 years, and I’m fighting the same ED voice. Each relapse strengthens the internal task master. If you have a child, or other friend or loved one who is showing signs of eating disorders, get them help sooner rather than later, or they will be eaten by the disorder.

  • Why Am I Still Bloating After Eating? ED or Colon Polyp Changes?

    Why Am I Still Bloating After Eating? ED or Colon Polyp Changes?

    Photo: mine

    My medical situation is complicated. I have various diseases and disorders which can make figuring out symptoms difficult. And I seem to have a list of diagnoses that makes me a favorite patient to send to various consultants, so nobody knows what the other guy/gal is doing. It gets very old. Some do a great job. Others tell me to tell my primary doc what’s going on. When I found out about the colon polyp (it’s large at 1.5cm), I wanted to talk to my ex-therapist about the ideas she’d mentioned briefly the day before, but when I messaged her to discuss some possible ways to make a very large prep easier (as she instructed), she had to “check her schedule” first. It felt like she told me to just go ahead and die (not her words, but that was the impact). She then told me of her various and incredulous medical issues, as if she were on death’s door- but was flying all over Europe or walking around London whenever she felt like it. Soon it was sick family, COVID & long COVID at the same time, etc. Felt like a huge slap in the face. She had time for other patients, but not to help me figure out a way to possibly eliminate something that could kill me if it evolves into cancer. Right now, it’s ‘just’ a large polyp with suspected other ones because of the size. GI wants it out, but not enough to work with me. Stepford patients.

    At any rate, I’m working on getting enough carbs and protein, as well as decent fats to avoid acute renal failure again (2x in 5 years is 2x too many), and the bloating that I expected to get better at some point (it’s been almost 4 years) is still acting up, though not consistently or with any rhyme or reason with types of foods. So, I tend to blame it on what I eat, but there are times when something feels different. I’m not willing to do another colonoscopy at this point since the GI docs won’t work with me on the volume/type of prep because of my kidney disease, even though my nephrologist signed off on a one time use of the products that worked nicely when i had a colonoscopy after I finished leukemia (APL) chemo, and was getting a new baseline work-up to know where I stood in terms of anything sketchy going on. It all went well. Colon was squeaky clean, and free of anything worrying. Great news !!

    I’m trying some anti-gas meds, but so far my old reliable Gas-X is not doing much. Next will be some hot tea to see if that eases the bloating (I’m in my 60s and look 6 months pregnant, with a shaved head that has about a dozen cysts/lipomas in various sizes- so i’m a weird sight to behold). The NG is also still hanging out of my nose- so I look like a candidate for a reboot of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”, and not as a nurse. I want this to settle down so I can move on with a plan to alternate what I eat to minimize protein issues, increase veggies and fruits, and work on eating what scares me in small amounts.

    I look like I need about 2 years at a fat farm, but the whole idea behind undoing eating disorder damage and head racket is to go through the hard part of eating in more normal ways and removing food ‘labels’ like ‘good’ and ‘bad’. I’m still terrified, and cannot ‘justify’ feeding what i see in the mirror. It’s horrifying- and yet logically I know that food is fuel, and even my inferior self needs it to live. I struggle with how worth it is it to keep doing what causes physical and emotional discomfort, but is also necessary. I WANT to be “normal”– and from what i understand, it’s about variety, socialization, enjoying the food, and not restricting (though I’m finding more ways to work medical food restrictions safely).

    Today was kind of a weird day, which always throws things off with food and fluid intake because of not wanting my plumbing (either way) to get triggered when I’m away from home (another side effect of pelvic floor muscle weakness from malnutrition). I also have a gut that has been put through hell for 50 years. I had an eye appointment (first in 9 1/2 years), and found out that I have a cataract in my right eye (not surgery time yet, especially with summer coming), and a much stronger prescription for glasses (expected that after so long), so $500 later (that was with the ‘no vision insurance’ package deal) I did get some answers about why I’ve had episodic headaches that are new, and why it’s so bloody hard to read without some kind of small microscope (labels in particular are written in microscopic print). Handheld magnifying glasses with lights are helpful, but I need something on my face to read books, articles, etc. I limit reading online for the same reason, though have the blue light filter thingie on my laptop.

    Anyway, I digress- the point was that changes in routine are tough to catch up on. It already takes a day before the appointment to get ready and shower, then the day of the appointment, it’s in and out of the car at least twice, and then a day or two to recover- so 3-4 days out of the week for a single appointment (I’ve had appointments 2 days in a row, and I’m feeling it in my SI joint- where the pelvis meets the sacrum). When I get home the day of the appointment, I have to catch up on whatever food and fluid I missed because of the ‘routine’ being messed up. I use ‘routine’ lightly, since I have an odd awake/sleep ‘schedule’ of maybe getting to sleep by 5 a.m. some days, and then sleeping until at least noon, but it could be crazier with not getting to bed until 8 a.m. and sleeping until 4-5 p.m. There’s no actual ‘routine’ other than I get up when I get up, and sleep when I sleep. I like sleeping during the day, especially in the warmer months when I can get more done later when the sun goes down- even inside it matters. This from someone who used to work 4 doubles a week at the coma stim job, and 8-16 hours for the others. I loved 12 hour weekends and Mondays, then off Tuesday-Friday.- lots of time for going out with my camera along the back roads of Texas. Or making the realistic dolls I paint, weight, and sell when my studio equipment is available. I miss those days, but if I ever get the energy to get my apartment sorted out, I can do the dolls again.

    But, I keep trying even though some days it feels like hell.

  • I’m So Tired Of All Of This; It’s Hard To Eat In This Body

    I’m So Tired Of All Of This; It’s Hard To Eat In This Body

    Image- general online search

    I don’t know how to do this. There is no interest in food- and not just my eating disorder ‘head’. Physically, nothing sounds good. I have stuff here that I “should” like, but there’s no interest in eating it. I’ve been forcing food that seems “normal” but not anything that stirs up too much fear. I’ve given up on trying to get more protein in. If I happen to want it, OK (still have to limit quantity because of kidneys and gout), but I’m not putting extra effort into seeking it out. I just want to be ‘normal’, whatever that is, and when I look in the mirror, I just see a disgusting body that is not deserving of food. I wouldn’t see someone else, my size or larger, and deny them food- but it’s something that has been in my head for over 55 years. I don’t deserve what others do, even if it’s just food to stay alive.

    I’ve been trying to do ‘low pressure’ foods- like cereal and milk for breakfast, a baked potato for lunch, and some broccoli, rice, and peanuts for dinner. That doesn’t get enough calories or protein in for the day- and I’m sick of forcing the ‘numbers’ to come out right. I don’t want to think about it… and yet it’s all I think about. There is always something in my head telling me not to eat ‘enough’, though I’ve never gotten any consistency with the calorie amount set up as my goal- I haven’t gotten close to that.

    With protein, it seems that a break now and then isn’t such a bad idea if it can reduce the workload of my kidneys. I know a good chunk of the weight I gained when I tried to eat more is because of muscle gain. My legs used to be atrophied enough that the tendon on the side of my leg, near my knee, was visible- and the reason I ended up with a wheelchair for longer distance walking. Now, my thighs are like bricks with some fat over them. My right bicep had basically disintegrated, but now is much larger. I know muscle is good, but I don’t want it if it means more weight, and muscle weighs more than fat.

    I’m still trying, but I’m tired of it. I haven’t quit eating, but I’m not willing to spend so much time trying for something that feels uncomfortably excessive, no matter what the numbers say. I just want to pick at the things I do like and if it works out, fine. If it doesn’t, then so be it. Getting the “food rules” from the ex-therapist out of my head is taking a while, but going better. I’m more interested in being comfortable, and not forcing stuff I have no interest in consuming. I still aim for enough carbs to avoid acute renal failure again, but that’s the most I’m doing right now.

    The worst thing I’ve ever done was go on the extreme restriction ‘diet’ in the summer of 1981… the second was seeking help from someone who ended up causing more damage. Undoing the damage, and also trying to ‘rewire’ my brain by doing the opposite of what my eating disorder head says is exhausting, and doesn’t move very quickly. To get ‘positive’ stuff into my head, I’m using a radio station 24/7 that has upbeat songs (happens to be contemporary Christian music with a lot of mental health ‘boosting’ songs). I do wake up with positive messages from the songs going through my head, so that is good. The volume is low enough not to bother my sleep, but loud enough that if I don’t have anything else on (movies, videos), I can hear the songs playing softly.

    I’m so tired, but I haven’t quit.

  • Figuring Out Food Intake With Volume Issues

    Figuring Out Food Intake With Volume Issues

    Photo: Adobe Stock

    I’m working on a way to get enough protein in, as well as more fruits and veggies. When I eat protein (generally dairy of some kind), it has to be OK for my kidneys and gout. That means meat, poultry, and fish/seafood are very limited. Spirulina, a type of algae (common in green and blue smoothies, and blue/green tinted foods), is among the worst for gout, with purine levels way too high to mess with. I’m not supposed to have more than 400mg of purines/day, and even that can be a problem since I can’t take enough gout meds because of my kidneys. So, I’m working on a plan to do about 1/3 of my protein intake with whey protein isolate powder via the nasogastric (NG) tube. I have to get about 1/2 of my fluids in by tube, so I figured that I’d make it worth it even more by tossing in the protein. I can adjust the amount of Isopure Clear (protein powder brand I like) based on what else I want each day… sometimes, produce and a bit of rice are all I want.

    Reducing the pressure of protein intake, enables me to eat more produce, which I like and is generally safe. That could change if potassium becomes an issue, but for now, it’s open season on fruits and veggies. The ones I prefer don’t bother my stomach, and when I roast a 9 x 13 inch pan of whatever sounds good (this week it’s zucchini, mushrooms, and Vidalia onions), I have enough for 2-3 days, and can mix them with rice or pasta (still freaked out by those, but rice has gotten easier) or baby potatoes. A sourdough bread roll is also nice sometimes since it’s an individual serving by default, and those are less scary. Toss on a condiment like teriyaki sauce, or some smoked salt and herbs, and it’s a pretty good meal.

    I do have meat/poultry/seafood now and then, but I have to be sure that I measure it out, both for purines and protein. Eighty to 90 grams isn’t a lot, but I am an omnivore and do like fish and chicken (especially smoked), so I just appreciate having them at all. Most of the time, I’m a lacto-ovo vegetarian because of gout. I don’t have the stomach capacity for the fluids I need (if I drink them) AND enough plant based protein, assisted by dairy, so I generally end up deficient in something and feeling like a beached whale with bloating. It’s too miserable to even bother with at this point, but the protein powder via tube has been helpful. Whatever works and doesn’t hurt seems to be a decent way to get enough in.

    Eventually, I’m going to have to eat and drink without the tube, but while I’m getting through this rough part of figuring out this recovery stuff with YouTube, books, and other media, this seems to be a solution that reduces stress, and increases the variety of fruit and veggies I can get in. I forget which video I was watching, but it suggested aiming for 15-20 different types of fruits and veggies per week. I’m starting out with 10, and will see how that goes, and then increase the variety that fits with my budget. Produce is very expensive in the US (like $9 USD for a pint of organic blueberries vs $5 for a 300 gram bag of frozen ones; my days of ‘luxury’ organics are over), but I do like some of the cheaper options like apples (about $1 each), pears, clementines, bananas, mushrooms, zucchini, spaghetti squash, and potatoes. The others will be seasonal items, which should help avoid flavor fatigue.

    I’ve never been much of a bread eater, but found a very good (and flexible) subscription company for sourdough rolls (they also have bread, but I’d waste too much of it), and different types of croissants. I’ve never really liked croissants because the grocery store ones are full of junk that isn’t needed, to extend shelf life to near immortality, and they taste a bit ’embalmed’. Wildgrain products don’t have unnecessary stuff in them, and bake up in 25 minutes or less from the freezer, so always fresh. The individual servings are also helpful with bread as well. There is a decent amount of protein in the ham and cheese fold-overs, and even the rolls add a little. I’m trying to add more stuff that ‘normal people’ eat.

    I don’t like that I have to deal with medical food restrictions while working on not restricting, but all I can do is make the best of it. I don’t like the NG tube, but kidney function has already been stressed twice in the last 5 years when I went into acute renal failure from not enough carbs (once during the time I was supposedly being ‘monitored’ by the ex-therapist). Fortunately, I was able to get it turned around. The dehydration and increased workload on the kidneys from so much protein and ketosis are bad news with known kidney disease, but those with normal kidney function can still be impacted.
    https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10121483/

  • Online Eating Disorder Recovery Help

    Online Eating Disorder Recovery Help

    Image- general online search

    I started looking into online eating disorder support options a couple of years ago when it seemed that my therapist was only a part time social contact person, and then only when it was convenient for her. I didn’t expect constant contact, but wasn’t even getting phone calls when she said she’d call, so I knew I needed to find other options. YouTube has been very helpful with eating disorder recovery information (professional and for patients), ED coaches, and people who have recovered largely on their own with the intuitive eating philosophy.

    The general idea is to get to a place of eating what one wants, when they want it- and not to restrict anything. Ever. I have some medical food restrictions, but I’m working on the “no rules” eating goals as much as I can, and it is hard. Back in the 80s, I did something similar with Geneen Roth’s books. The idea there was to avoid the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ food categories, and just see food as fuel. That is still part of intuitive eating. Back then, I got things I wanted to eat, and kept my pantry stocked. That took away the ‘forbidden’ food idea that just leads to craving those items more, and setting up bingeing because of restricting. If the foods are always available, the idea was that I could have them when I wanted, and took away the obsession with something I wasn’t “supposed to” have. It was a good thing for me, and I focused on things I really wanted, and good quality versions of them. I started to enjoy those things in small quantities because I could have more, but mostly, a few bites was all I wanted. I was never a regular binger, so that part wasn’t really relevant, but with restricting so many categories of foods, the idea of ‘no bad foods’ helped make them less terrifying.

    With YouTube, I have favorite ‘recovery journey’ channels (Elzani, Elzani Singleton, Megsy Recovery). Elzani’s journey could be triggering because of her severe emaciation in the beginning, but she had the motivation to get well that was helpful for me and still is. I wanted to try new foods because of her channel, and love how supportive her family is. Megsy Recovery is also good, and focuses on daily challenges with specific foods and topics. They are both pro-recovery, and have been incredibly helpful. Often, I’ll eat while watching one of their videos, both for distraction and information.

    Tabitha Farrar is a recovery coach, and a recovered anorexic. She is direct, and has a lot of videos that explain how the body does all it can to survive, and why there is a lot of damage to repair physically as well as mentally. She understands and promotes the idea that body size is irrelevant to the type and severity of the eating disorder. The rules for underweight ED sufferers are no different for those in larger bodies. I’m still coming to terms with that, as I have trouble internalizing the idea that what I see in the mirror ‘deserves’ food, but I’m starting to see how food is simply fuel but can also be enjoyed just for the sake of liking something. Tabitha has written several books. “Rehabilitate, Rewire, Recover” is her main book (2nd edition now), but she has smaller books on weight gain fears, and dealing with issues common to those in recovery. Elisa Oras is also very good as a recovered person, now in her second pregnancy. Her focus is intuitive eating as well, and she posts videos on various ED topics. “BrainwashED” is the title of her book.

    One of the biggest advantages of online recovery help is that there are no “business hours”. With my weird sleep patterns, I can always look up a video or read something (short amounts, since attention span is still messed up). If I didn’t quite grasp something, I can rewatch or reread their content. I’m not judged, and I can pick and choose what seems like it will be helpful. There are some topics I don’t have issues with (spouse, kids, etc), so I can skip those. Repetition happens at my pace, and with the content that is most useful to me. It’s completely customizable. It takes a lot of repetition to rewire the brain to escape the eating disorder voice and rules. That was supposed to be the goal with my former therapist, but there was no instruction on how to do that. YouTube has excelled in “patient education” via these online recovery channels, as well as professionally directed seminars. I also ‘see’ people who have recovered, showing that it is possible, even without a ‘therapy’ angle. I am NOT ‘anti- inpatient eating disorder treatment’ or therapy in general. If someone needs a higher level of care, that should be the priority. It can help shave months off of recovery done only with outpatient resources, and if someone is medically unstable, hospitalization is critical. Every 52 minutes, someone dies from an eating disorder in the US alone.
    https://www.southdenvertherapy.com/blog/eating-disorder-statistics

    YouTube also has a lot of professional videos on eating disorders, to explain the nuts and bolts of EDs (not dependent on weight), and topics like refeeding, medical implications, etc. As a former RN of 35 yrs (worked 20 before my body broke), I appreciate the professional information. Dr. Jennifer Gaudiani is one I like. There are also good channels by “Balance”, “ACUTE” (medical stabilization unit in Colorado), and many more.

    Besides YouTube, there are a LOT of ‘written’ websites that have really good information. NEDA, BEAT, ANAD, Door2, Balance, ACUTE, and professional research sites have a ton of recovery information. There are many others as well, but these are the ones I’m most familiar with. I’m the sort that likes explanations about why something is happening or difficult, and the internet is loaded with them. I am cautious about sites with no connection to a legit organization. I recently learned that while there are great recovery coaches online, there are also pro-Ana ‘coaches’, which horrified me. If any site or ‘coach’ promotes restriction of any kind, they should be avoided like the plague. There is a sub-type of ‘Ana Coaches’ that get into twisted fetishes, asking people for photos of their decreasing weight, and use those photos for sexually pathological reasons. Their ‘coaching’ is a form of grooming for sexual exploitation, and blackmail is often involved. NEVER send photographs in any stage of undress to an online ‘entity’. Once they are on the internet, they can be shared and sold. You become ‘trafficked’, and some perv is out there spanking the monkey while looking at those photos. Ewww…

    Well, this is what I’m using now to get well, I hope. I’m able to understand that all bodies are different by looking at animals… I would like to be a greyhound, but am more of a bulldog. Neither dog is ‘wrong’ or ‘unworthy’, but simply that they are different types of dogs. Humans are also various shapes and sizes, and those are not ‘imperfections’, but simply how each of us is built. To deprive the bulldog of what it needs would be so very cruel, and yet that’s what I’ve been doing (or had done to me) for 55 years. It’s hard to undo that mindset, but that’s what I’m hoping for.


    Resources:
    https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37906085/

    https://www.acute.org/?msclkid=602e9f1d8169160adfe0f6a1d312e2cd&utm_campaign=Branded&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=bing&utm_term=acute%20eating%20disorder%20treatment%20center&utm_content=ACUTE%20Brand

    https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

    https://anad.org

    https://www.door2.com.au

    https://balancedtx.com

    https://www.gaudianiclinic.com

  • Have I Gotten Anything Right Yet?

    Have I Gotten Anything Right Yet?

    Photo: mine

    It’s been nearly a year since things with my former eating disorder ‘therapist’ went far enough down the tubes to feel like therapy, such as it was, was over. Nobody had asked about my intake for a couple of years, so it seemed like it didn’t really matter if I ate or not. I knew I’d have to make myself get in enough fluids and food to make sure that my kidneys had enough on board not to get worse. It’s been hard, and there are a lot of days when I think about just going back to what was less physically uncomfortable. The emotional end of things has been much harder considering all that has gone on with my former non-therapy.

    I’ve tried multiple times over nearly 4 years to get rid of the nasogastric tube that gets enough fluids in for adequate kidney function, as well as blood pressure support. The tube is back in after another try at not having it last month. I made it a few days, with lower volume food intake (tried to eat higher density foods, but I don’t like a lot of them), but then struggled for 3 days, and that’s my self-imposed limit. I can’t risk going longer since I’ve been in acute renal failure twice in the past 4 1/2 years. But I am still maintaining fluids, even if I need the tube to do so.

    Food is still a problem. “Normal” eating is still something I don’t feel I deserve, and it’s physically unpleasant with bloating and feeling too full. I’m not a purger, so once it’s in, I have to put up with the side effects. I’m not as ‘avoidant’ with the types of food I will eat, but am still consumed with not eating over X number of calories per day. Tracking food is something I tried to get away from, but I have to know carbs for insulin dosing, and protein for my kidneys. It’s very difficult to get in enough protein when I have to restrict the options because of gout.

    I’ve been trying to do the opposite of what my head says, and at times I can do that, but only with some types of food (single serving sizes are helpful). I’ve wanted to let myself have one meal a week or month when I just have what I want, but that hasn’t gone well for several reasons. The medical restrictions on food, only getting X amount of insulin per month, etc are hard to deal with when attempting to break some ‘head rules’ about food. The current “never restrict” goals of eating disorder recovery are hard for someone who has literally always been restricted (when I was a child) or my own active and passive restriction… For me, active restriction is when I relapse and passive restriction is eating how I did for my entire life, eating about one meal stretched over the day. For me, that was ‘normal’. And what I see in the mirror still doesn’t look like it deserves food, even though I’d give more to someone else, whether they were larger or smaller than I am.

    I am starting to understand that like dogs, birds, fish, or whatever family of animals, humans have different sizes and shapes that ‘just are’. There’s no ‘defect’, just natural differences. I’m not sure what my set-point weight is (natural weight without restriction) because I’ve never NOT restricted in some way (or been externally restricted). I’ve read or heard (YouTube) that it takes time and an extended period of not restricting to get to that place, so I’m nowhere near that since I’m still restricting to some degree with the fear of going over X number of calories that are below what the dietician I saw told me is ‘normal’ for my age, activity level, and body type. I will never be a greyhound. I’m more of a Labrador retriever. And I still have the urge to be a greyhound.

    I understand that repairing the damage I’ve done to myself over decades takes time and food. I know that I’ve gained muscle in my arms and legs, and that there is a difference in swelling if I don’t eat enough protein (hardest thing to get in with medical limitations). Some of that muscle gain is starting to atrophy a bit. I’m tired of most ‘safe’ protein sources, so there is a lot of forcing in of stuff just to get to the minimum, and honestly, I miss that mark many times a week. But I’m still trying. My heart rate is still wonky, and my blood pressure stays low normal unless I’ve taken trash out to the dumpster; then it goes to high normal for about 10 minutes. The higher blood pressure is probably better for my kidneys since poor perfusion is why they are damaged.

    Most days I don’t feel like anything will really work to get me rid of the restricting. I still feel worth less than I did 5 years ago when I relapsed, after 3 1/2 years with my former ‘therapist’. It’s hard to feel worth anything when I’ve felt worthless for decades, and I felt kicked to the curb by someone who had no interest in me getting well even though that was the sole purpose of that relationship. I also know it had nothing to do with me personally, I was just another failed patient because I was too broke to be worth the time to get well. I’m not alone there… lots of examples online, which helps in knowing it’s not about me, but also sad that so many have been left suffering more because of that relationship that fizzled out without the decency to finish what was started. I’m working on getting past that, which is hard, but it’s not like this is the first person to be a disappointment and something to recover from. I generally land on my feet, and thankfully am as independent as I can be within physical limitations. There is no limit to my emotional independence since that’s pretty much all I’ve known. So, while I’m broken, I’m not destroyed.

  • I Don’t Know How To “Just Eat” Without Shame

    I Don’t Know How To “Just Eat” Without Shame

    Photo: Mine

    For something that most people never think about, food is a ‘threat’ in my head. I know it’s irrational, and I know how I’d tell someone else to view food, weight, etc- but in my head, the rules for me are different. A lot of this likely started when I was bribed to lose weight as a 6-7 year old, with literal cash for each pound lost …. I wasn’t remotely fat. I don’t believe it was malicious, but it was very damaging. My mom wanted a child who looked like kids at church who simply had different body types. I am much more like a labrador retriever than a greyhound, and trying to ‘shape shift’ me became a part of my thinking that is automatic. I want so much to change that, and have for more than 45 years.

    My parents were very focused on weight and looks the entirety of my memories. I can remember the floor plan of the duplex we lived in when I was 2-3 years old, so I remember a lot (creeped out my dad). Mom was always on a diet. Dad would eat nothing but yogurt and bananas if his pants felt a bit snug. There were no snacks in the house. No desserts unless it was someone’s birthday. There was nothing in the pantry aside from some soup and cereal. The spices had purple inked prices stamped on the boxes or tins from the 60s (after I moved back home, I saw the same kind at an antique mall). I was taken to some weird womens’ workout place with those butt jiggling bands that vibrated, while my mom did her quota of butt shaking. It was all I was exposed to about food, other than holidays or school lunches for the 2 years I attended public school where neither of my parents worked.

    I feel ashamed that I feed this thing I see in the mirror. And at the same time, I know that my head is lying to me. If I saw someone much larger than I am eating X kind or amounts of food, it wouldn’t even register. When I’ve watched “600 Pound Life”, I see those morbidly obese people eating huge amounts of food, and my first thought is wondering what hurt them so badly that they are destroying themselves. Not judgement like I do to myself for simply eating a ‘normal’ meal without knowing every calorie and grams of macronutrients. I have to watch carbs and proteins because of health reasons, but otherwise, I WANT to be able to “just eat” without shame. I’ve tried to ‘let’ myself eat what I want for just one day, without limits on what (need to limit quantity on some things for insulin and kidney reasons), and I haven’t been able to do it.

    My head is no different than it was when I was diagnosed with anorexia at age 17, days before classes started at a good state university. I used to count curds of cottage cheese, and allowed myself 3 curds, and not the biggest ones in the container. I have gotten better about portions, but my head still tallies up calories (and I log them to have some kind of accountability, as well as knowing I’m getting minimums in- or at least close to what I’m supposed to eat). But I have never known normal eating. I’ve read that it’s about enjoyment as well as nutrition- two things that were never part of the equation in my life. I’m trying to change that, and it’s like putting me in the middle of China and expecting me to be able to use one of their computers without knowing the language at all.

    I’m in my early 60s, with decades of direct and indirect chronic medical issues related to malnutrition and lifelong restriction of food. I’m getting things from the grocery store to challenge myself, and am so ashamed to have ‘junk food’ because I don’t “look” like I need food. I have been able to get single serving sizes of some foods that have ‘OK numbers’ and I am so acutely aware of how much I’m stressed by deviating from the usual stripped down options I generally eat. One meal stretched over the entire day is what I’ve had for most of my life. When I’ve been in hospitals, treatment centers, or in public where i need to look normal around food, I’ve eaten more- and then compensated afterwards for my transgressions.

    It’s not about how I look, or ‘controlling’ anything (control is shot so quickly with each relapse of overt restricting). It’s about not feeling that I deserve the same as anyone else, no matter their or my size. I don’t know how to fix that, and never got any guidance on that in 3 1/2 years with my ex therapist. I’ve had to wing it with various YouTubers who have eating disorder recovery content, and it’s hard. I’ve had an NG (nasogastric tube) for fluids for 3 1/2 years because I can’t tolerate the volume of food and fluids too close together. At this point, I wonder when it becomes cruel to expect this body to consume what it never has. I’m trying more calorically dense foods to minimize volume, hoping that i can then tolerate eating and drinking without the tube.

    I just want to know “normal”.

  • February Update 2026: Working on Moving Forward

    February Update 2026: Working on Moving Forward

    Photo- mine.

    I’m still a long way from where I was in 2021 when this current relapse started, but without the external pressure and ex therapist’s general absence most of the time, at least I don’t feel like I have to follow her orthorexic food rules that go against any of the more recent views on eating disorder recovery. ANY restriction is discouraged, no matter the person’s weight. I’m struggling to get back to my ‘normal’ eating which was still restricting, but different. I was used to one meal spread across the day, and I know that can’t work if I want to prevent going backwards re: my body healing from decades of depletion. Five years is the longest ‘overt restriction relapse’ I’ve ever had – while under the ‘care’ of someone who claims to be the last hope for eating disorders.
    https://tabithafarrar.com/2018/06/unrestricted-eating/

    Restriction is also felt to be the biggest reason people binge- regardless of the type of eating disorder diagnosed. I know a lot of heavy people who eat far less than others- and I have been in that group much of my life. The body is designed to survive, so if it feels it’s not getting enough, it triggers the body to eat to get its needs met. And the BMI chart was never meant for general use- it was designed by a Belgian astronomer in 1832, with no scientific vetting, even for the times. It is pointless- it’s like telling a poodle to look like a chihuahua… stupid. Every BODY is different, and has different needs.
    https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10693914/

    https://www.therapeuticcounseling.org/post/breaking-the-binge-restrict-cycle

    I’ve been fortunate that regular bingeing left me when I left the U of IL in 1982 – where I’d pick cheese from pizza boxes in the trash room on the dorm floor, after the other floor mates were asleep. That was the end of weekend bingeing, that included cheese, ice cream, chips, dip, chocolate, and the occasional bit of ramen. During the week, I ate 1/2 potato or 1 apple per day, and took 40 laxatives PER DAY, 10 at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bedtime- without eating. I drank Diet Rite by the 2 liter bottles- and labeled mine for the big fridge in the floor study room with “herpes”, to keep people out of it (I didn’t have it, but nobody bothered my soda !!).

    I also ran the 11 flights of stairs to the top of Trelease Hall where my room was-1224 was my room. It’s no wonder I passed out in the dietician’s office just before Christmas break when I was asking how to survive the month away from school at fast food places where my folks would be stopping. I wouldn’t be where my “habits” were unrestricted or even seen most of the time. My folks never bothered to think someone could eat too little, so that helped, but the bathroom access for my laxative consumption was nerve wracking. I was thankful for young sphincters, and timing any laxatives taken between known meal stops.

    As far as eating goes now, I still have to pay attention to “numbers” for insulin doses and making sure I don’t have too much protein. I don’t really limit what I eat, but I’m still glued to the total numbers each day, and have a very hard time eating enough per the ‘final’ calorie goal (my former dietician gave me the ‘end goal’ for calories; protein won’t change, and carbs are only restricted by the amount of insulin I’m prescribed). With drinking again, this has caused some issues with feeling really full, so I’m eating more calorically dense stuff to avoid coming in too low on food intake or feeling too full.

    I guess I’m getting closer to the “normal” restriction I’ve always done- which isn’t great, but at least I’m not bogged down by food rules that I don’t agree with, or told to eat stuff I don’t normally eat (I do keep kefir around for fast protein- but it’s not a daily thing). I tend to eat fairly dull stuff in general, but like to try new things (couple of bites). I’m eating more than one meal per day, and it’s not terribly comfortable. But I’m still eating without having a therapist lurking around (which she kind of wasn’t for a big chunk of the last 6 months I was still a patient, and prior to that, there had been the gradual breadcrumbing discussed in other posts). She hasn’t known what I was eating for years, so her ‘supervision’ was not good- and I knew it. I did eat what I said I did IF she asked, but mostly, I was invisible.

    I’m glad I got the NG out (again). I kept it in for 3 days while I started drinking %100 by mouth, to help relieve some pressure to do it all at once, but I don’t mind drinking non-caloric fluids. The ones with calories take up insulin, and I only get so much per month, but I will drink a bit of soda with real sugar (high fructose corn syrup is bad for gout and triglycerides) if my stomach is upset or I have a headache- but just a few sips.

    It was a colossal failure to want help from her, and even more that I didn’t read the stuff written about her in greater detail before signing on. I really liked her as a person for a lot of the time with her- but being blown off over a 2nd colonoscopy prep that was too much to handle physically, when she said she’d discuss some possible options, was the last straw. I felt more worthless by her refusal to help with something that could eventually kill me. She would deny that, but words are cheap when actions scream. She has given various odd medical accounts for her absence- but then flies to see patients in other European countries, has patients living with her, and could send photos of London, but couldn’t pick up the phone. I will never understand that kind of callous disregard for someone she supposedly “love like a daughter”. Gads, I hope not. I will also never understand needing a different name in Europe.

  • I Need To Break-Up With Food Tracking

    I Need To Break-Up With Food Tracking

    Photo- stock photo/royalty free

    I’ve logged my food every day for 1575 days (4.32 years). Every. Damn. Day. A lot of that is the nature of restrictive eating disorders, but I also have diabetes and chronic kidney disease (among other things), so I have to know carbs for my insulin dose, and need to be sure I’m getting enough, but not too much, protein for the CKD. I hate having to know the “numbers”. I’ve made some progress with calories, but still spaz if I go over xxxx per day (I’m still below ultimate ‘maintenance’ calories). Everything is looked at repeatedly. If I change up what I plan to eat for the day, I have to redo the whole thing- which is nuts. I have to cut back on something if I’ve had something unplanned.

    Most people just eat what they want, and move on. My head dictates what is and isn’t OK, and that needs to stop- but it’s been something I’ve done either online, or going back to high school when dinosaurs roamed the earth, with a notebook and pen. Prior to that my mom was the gatekeeper of my food intake from the age of 6-7 years old.

    My goal for the new year is to use a blood sugar and food logbook, and just get the necessary info (blood sugar, carbs, insulin dose, protein, and sodium), and not focus so much on the calories, or the “numbers” for each meal or day. I also know I need to at least do a little check mark for every 250ml of fluids I consume, so I know I’m getting enough. My sense of thirst isn’t reliable. I’m hoping that will minimize the need to track so much, and get me ‘out of my head’ around food- at least one step at a time.

    I also need to be sure I get enough sodium in me, so my blood pressure is high enough to prevent poor perfusion to any of my organs, but especially my kidneys. It’s because of decades of under-eating and restricting that my kidneys got damaged (stage 3b of 5- with 5 being dialysis). I’ve been in stage 4 twice with acute renal failure, and since I am not going to do dialysis if it gets to that point, it’s SO important to do what I can to avoid more damage. My nephrologist told me to be sure to include enough sodium. Please don’t change anything that YOUR doctor told you to do based on what i’m writing about my experience.

    I have the logbooks and nutrition counter books ready to go. Between now and then, I’m working on having something unplanned every few days, and trying not to rearrange all of the food for the day after eating it. The amount of time spent focused on food is asinine. I know that. There’s no denial- just discouragement and feeling overwhelmed. When I try to order delivery food, it can take 3-4 hours to find something ‘acceptable’ and often by then, the restaurant is closed.

    When I started restricting on my own in high school (when the forced restriction by my mom ended- though she paid for any diet foods I wanted when I’d enter into contests with church/high school friends), I only paid attention to calories. Not a lot was emphasized about the type of calories back then. That was easier. It was still obsessive, but I wasn’t so honed in on the macros.

    I was severely restricting, and nobody at home was concerned in the least, even when I dumped 14 pounds in 2 weeks on the “Mayo Clinic Diet” that had nothing to do with the Mayo Clinic, or health. It was a ketogenic diet, which I don’t like. If they work for others, that’s for them to decide. I don’t believe cutting out entire food groups is healthy, at least for me. Eating a henhouse full of eggs, and a grove of grapefruit wasn’t pleasant- but to me, it felt like I was being ‘good’ and ‘acceptable’.

    I want to get to the point where I no longer feel a need to know more than just carbs and protein because I must know those to stay as healthy as I’m likely going to get. It sucks that I can’t just ‘not know’ them. I’m tired of tracking and planning everything, and I’m terrified of giving it up. It’s a fine line between health-focused awareness and obsessively toxic focus on nutritional information. But it’s what I feel is necessary.

    I won’t get well if everything about the “numbers” remains as it is now. And at the same time, it feels like my only life raft in a vast ocean. But I need to start swimming, and not just floating with the waves.

  • Struggling Without The NG Tube For Fluids

    Struggling Without The NG Tube For Fluids

    Photo- mine

    Except for a month and a few odd days here and there, I had a NG tube to ensure enough fluid intake to protect my kidneys for the last 41 months, changing it out every 4-6 weeks as needed. It was only supposed to be in for the duration of a bladder infection, but that was early on in treatment, and with increased food (from my ‘normal’), it was too much volume to eat and drink, so the slower fluids via the tube helped. As a RN, I was trained in how to insert and manage NG tubes. ****** it is crucial that nobody who hasn’t had this kind of training attempts to do this on their own****** You could essentially drown yourself if the fluids aren’t going into the stomach, and make a detour at the spot where the esophagus and trachea share limited real estate.

    At first, it was so helpful, and stayed that way for quite a while. Then my body started viewing it as the foreign object that it was, and I had horrible post nasal drip, sneezing, and coughing. I’d attempt to take it out periodically, but I seldom made it through more than 2 days without the tube, and struggled to get enough fluids and electrolytes into my system without it. I don’t mind drinking water, but then I had some bad labs come back, and my nephrologist told me that my labs were not normal and that the only way they end up like that is from not eating enough. He gave me 2 weeks to get more fluids and Liquid IV in, or I’d be admitted for IVs.

    With the NG, I managed to get things back on track, at least for the time being. I got through a month of no tube, but then the colonoscopy prep wasn’t going to get in without it, so I put it back in for the test. I tried to keep the tube out, but the severe pain from the prep was awful, and frankly, it was traumatic. I’ve had trouble getting enough in again. I keep trying new things- teas, diabetic friendly drinks, some juices (if my carbs allowed for them), and broth based soups. I don’t mind drinking/eating those things, but I have trouble with “enough”.

    So now, I’m at a crossroads once again. I have another day to get it together, or I’m going to have to put the NG back in for ‘topping up’ if I can’t drink enough. It’s SO frustrating to want to do things like a normal human being only not to be able to sustain it. I can’t risk my kidneys- that’s the bottom line. And yet, I can’t stand the tube and all of the snot that comes with it. So, I’m hoping that I do better for the rest of the night, as well as tomorrow. That’s my deadline.

    Since I’m managing it on my own (every MD has seen it, and said very little). I KNOW I don’t “look” like I need it, and ideally, I’d be able to tolerate both food and fluids, but without the tube, something gets short-changed, and right now that’s food and fluids. The fluids I am drinking just fill me up too much, and then the reflux gets worse. With water with Liquid IV, I can let it go in slowly, and avoid the major bloating of 1/2- 1 liter of fluids in my stomach until they take their sweet time heading down the pipeline, so to speak. Low volume- high density foods help, but I don’t like eating like that. I’m more of a cheese board sort rather than someone who likes much on a plate.

    I never thought I’d have that stupid tube for 3 1/2 + years, though i’m thankful that I could protect my kidneys with it. But I just want to move on with this, and do things like normal people do. Drinking fluids shouldn’t be that big of a problem. But I’ve never been great at drinking fluids, and growing up, we all had water with meals, but there wasn’t much talk about between meal fluid intake. I did drink a lot of diet soda for years, but quit that because of the nasty sweeteners.

    But I’m working on this. It’s so much better in other ways without that tube.

  • It’s Been A ‘Bleh’ Couple Of Weeks

    It’s Been A ‘Bleh’ Couple Of Weeks

    Image- online search

    The past couple of weeks have been exhausting for no good reason. My activity level essentially never changes with being housebound, but I’ve not felt great. With the colon cancer screening fails, that’s a bit unnerving, but the main areas of discomfort aren’t located in the iffy anatomical neighborhood, so that’s a little bit of a relief. I’ve had what feels like bruised ribs under my right armpit, but haven’t hurt anything there, so I don’t know what’s going on. I have a history of blood clots in my right lung, but that was 18 years ago, and I have no respiratory or cardiac symptoms. I need to make another THC dispensary run, since that’s what allows me to sleep, especially when I’m in pain.

    The aftermath of the ex-therapist’s harm continues to be an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve heard and read so much more about her pattern of breadcrumbing and in some cases abuse that can’t be part of any normal therapy. I finally read a book about her, and was surprised but also not surprised. There was one situation in particular that she yelled at me when she called. The way she explained away that type of “therapy” in an interview was that the patients actually want that, so their eating disorder ‘mind’ isn’t as upset over the activity being yelled about, which is generally related to eating.

    I’d had a rough day about 7 months into ‘therapy’ with her, and the patient she had talking to me on a regular basis had let her know that I hadn’t eaten what I was supposed to, so when Ex-T was home from her ‘food police’ time with the guy who showed up from Oz, she called me and yelled what I had to eat while she was on the phone, and then “don’t take all day with one cracker” (they’re dry, and I have physical issues with swallowing), “get X and eat it now”, etc. I was stunned, and miserably full when she got done shouting ‘orders’. She sounded SO different than the person I’d spoken with prior to that night. It was frightening.

    In an email sent to her a while back, explaining how damaging the lack of contact had been, especially around the 2nd colonoscopy prep my GI doctor wanted done, her only response was how it all impacted her. NO comment about what I, HER PATIENT, had been going through. Then some vague comments about her health (a common explanation for lack of contact), with nothing specific disclosed (her prerogative), which was also a pattern. So, I’m trying to figure out what to do, and she’s having a pity festival over being butt hurt by my email about what was going wrong with the so-called therapy. The health stuff may be true (hope not) but it all fits into the breadcrumbing pattern of toxic control and psychological manipulation, so I don’t know if I can- or should- believe her. She’s still wanting some kind of contact, but I’m so far past wanting anything to do with her that I can’t see a situation where I’d want to talk to her again. At least I could block a couple of ways she could contact me, along with anyone I know who might be used to find out info from me, but I can’t block her on my email, unfortunately.

    I am having more days when I’m not as bothered by her behavior, but it’s still hard to come to terms with how much worse this all was than what I’d envisioned. I didn’t think I’d be afraid to speak about her (via blogging), or find so many other examples on videos or in books where she was completely past any type of therapeutic ‘reason’ in what she did. She made up her own ‘condition’ to explain eating disorders, and there are parts of that that do resonate with a LOT of people, including me, though not as much now. She had some very good ideas at times, and when I first heard about her, I was amazed that she ‘got it’. But then having contact with her showed me someone unrecognizable from who I saw on a news program about her clinic. I also found a document on a financial website showing that the clinic had made over $9M CAD. Dun & Bradstreet is a known name, and it just came up when googling the clinic. This corresponds to the comments about how she lost interest in patients who ran out of money. Everything I’d seen in court papers from an investigation into her clinic pans out- and for so long, I didn’t want to believe any of that. That was my foolishness.

    The holidays are also rough, not only with most of my family gone (who are around here and with whom I grew up), but with the eating disorder. I have a friend who invites me to every family holiday meal she hosts, which is SO kind, and I truly do appreciate being included. But I still can’t eat around others, and the autonomic disorder makes being inside a space with a thermostat set for normal people difficult, the stuff I’d have to drag with me is nuts, and also the temperature of what I eat impacts my declining invitations. I hope I get to the day when it’s not so hard.

    I’m hoping that the pain of not getting well with Ex-T eases consistently in time, and that I get to the point of it being completely behind me. I won’t seek out help from another virtual therapy situation (or any new humans in general), and Medicare won’t pay for much- though I do have a very good dietician, so that helps. In the meantime, I’m exhausted physically and mentally, and am looking forward to possibly getting some snow this weekend. That generally perks me up for a while.

  • Waves of Grief and Anger

    Waves of Grief and Anger

    Photo: Mine

    Even though I fully understand that the manipulation and emotional control measures used by my ex-therapist is her pathological shit, it still deeply impacted me. She doesn’t seem to feel remorse about much, and sent me a message saying she hoped i didn’t turn all of the crap she threw at me against myself. WTF? She KNOWS my history of poor attachment and abandonment, and it seems her ‘kindness matters’ schtick is reserved for those who pay for it. I ran out of money, so my former therapist ran off for greener pastures, resulting in a month going by between calls, and always with some reason that didn’t stand up when she said what else she’d been doing. I’m guessing, based on 3 1/2 years of hearing various things from her, that she’s got more patients that are ripe for the squeezing (of parents’ bank accounts). God help them.

    I’m still dealing with the grief of not being a success story with that particular therapist, but still hoping that I can do what so many have done, and do it with YouTube videos and the books by those whose channels I prefer. I’m still struggling a lot with what I see in the mirror, and to justify feeding that thing, but at the same time, I know I have to eat enough to stay out of acute renal failure. Chronic kidney disease from poor perfusion (related to decades of inadequate fluids, food, blood pressure, and heart rate) is lousy enough with the protein restrictions.

    I’m grieving the person I saw early on in this fiasco, who WAS very attentive, kept in fairly regular contact, went above and beyond a few times when I was sick, or my blood sugar tanked and I was having trouble keeping it up, etc. That person was gone in January 2023. I completely understand that contact lessens with more stable intake and coping with the hell of learning to eat, but then don’t say that a call is coming when the schedule is already booked.

    Don’t tell me about multiple (odd) medical issues, that aren’t taken care of, but while being “too ill” to even phone me, she’s off to London to see a patient, off to Canada to see a patient, assessing patients in various parts of Europe, attending conferences in Macedonia, and moving countries again… if she’s so damn sick, she’s certainly not slowed down by it.

    When I’ve had medical issues come up, I’d send screenshots of lab work or test results. I can show proof of what is going on. I’ve had multiple chronic disorders since 1995, with pain, dysautonomia, fibromyalgia, epilepsy that was diagnosed in 1986, degenerative disc disease, degenerative joint disease, SI joint inflammation, gout, diabetes, kidney disease, and something I’m forgetting. The epilepsy diagnosis was ‘fine tuned’ diagnosis in about 2005 or so, with a 5 day video EEG that showed increased risk of seizures in the first stages of sleep- however I end up there… bed, low blood sugar, dysautonomia. There have been numerous times when what she told me about her medical stuff, or her daughter’s just hasn’t made sense. She’s not stupid, but I’m not sure if there was some misunderstanding from what the docs told her, or what. But 35 yrs of being an RN, with 20 of that working in various types of nursing (heavy on the ortho and neuro, as well as general med-surg), I can sniff out a skunk fairly well. But it could be that not being a medical person, it was a misunderstanding. All I know is that shit didn’t make sense.

    I’ve been doing fairly well with getting food in to meet minimums with macros, and have for a while. I’ve also been using Liquid IV, in order to get enough sodium to keep my BP up (check with your doc before manipulating electrolytes, protein, fat, and carbs for your particular situation). Today, I even managed an apple-cinnamon bagel (scary) with some cream cheese and apple butter, and really liked it. It’s hard for me to say I like something, because my head insists that means I’m going to go nuts and eat an entire package. I was stuffed after that ‘normal’ (not massive) sized bagel and toppings- but I also know that it’s something that is filling, tastes good, and even though I was apprehensive, I got it down without a lot of inner dialogue about eating it.

    Individually portioned products are also helpful, and feel safer (depending on what it is). And I’m trying some new things here and there, even if just a bite or two. I do like to try new things, but it’s still scary. Food shouldn’t evoke that kind of emotion. It’s simply a fuel to get my body through the day, as well as repair damage from decades of under-eating.

    I am angry at the load of crap I was fed during the love-bombing, and believe none of it at this point. It all seems like one big scam. I feel so stupid for sticking around as long as I did. I think that by not having consistent contact, it’s supposed to make me more appreciative of any crumbs of attention she gave me, but I don’t operate like that. If someone doesn’t do what they say they will, I back off, and take notes. When the BS outweighs anything useful, I don’t let the door hit me in the ass on my way out. And I don’t think she gives a shit that she made things worse. She implied some kind of medical issue that was bad, but in her usual manner, she chooses words wisely that could be interpreted in multiple ways, including pure BS. If she really is sick this time, I don’t wish her any ill will. But I doubt everything she says now. Hopefully, the messages in the archived section of WhatsApp will stay quiet.

    I also hope that my head calms down about this. She’s really not worth being upset about, and yet the waves of anger and grief still pop up. Writing helps. So, I write.

  • Eating Disorders & Age

    Eating Disorders & Age

    Photo- mine

    When I first was diagnosed with anorexia in 1981, it was thought that eating disorders were something that only impacted teens and those in their early 20s. That is absolutely NOT accurate. More and more women AND men, from all backgrounds, socioeconomic levels, and ages are being diagnosed with eating disorders. Some were never diagnosed accurately earlier in their lives, but many are being diagnosed for the first time in middle age, or older. Only %6 of those with eating disorders are medically underweight (according to the highly flawed BMI chart; someone can be within the “normal’ weight range, and be underweight for their body type). Every 52 minutes someone dies as a result of an eating disorder. More than 27 people per day are lost to eating disorders. Someone’s mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandparent…. gone.

    General statistics on eating disorders-
    https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/statistics/#general-eating-disorder-statistics

    Eating disorders in older adults-
    https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/bjpsych-advances/article/disordered-eating-in-older-people-some-causes-and-treatments/0F154FFC05FD133ACAC04A19ECF3258F

    There is a huge disparity between age groups as far as correct diagnosis and treatment, with those who aren’t underweight being essentially ignored. I’ve had chronic medical complications from over 5 decades of disordered eating and restriction, with many of the symptoms of starvation (low blood pressure and heart rate for long enough that my kidneys are damaged, dehydration, feeling cold, delayed gastric emptying, etc), and not one doctor ever questioned my eating habits at the time, even though I’ve got anorexia in my medical history. My nephrologist was the one who identified that my chronic kidney disease was NOT from diabetes as was assumed, but from hypo-perfusion of my kidneys. He also looked at lab work that is routinely done for kidney patients, and with certain things being low, he told me that the only reason those labs were at those levels is from not eating enough. He gave me 2 weeks to eat more, get more fluids in, and a lab recheck or he was going to hospitalize me for medical issues related to restricted eating. I have been in acute renal failure twice in 4 1/2 years from restriction. I’m in my early 60s.

    I worked at a nursing home in the 90s, and there was a lady there that starved her way down to 50 pounds, in spite of a lengthy list of interventions. She was in the facility along with her husband, and they shared a ‘room plus’ (a sitting area outside of the bedroom area) on the wing with the most independent residents. She was eventually transferred to a psych hospital (only place that would take an elderly patient) in a larger city about 60 miles away, after hours of talking to EMS transport (only medical transport we had in that town then), her psychiatrist (nice guy), and the family. Because of her age, she was given some wonky diagnosis that really didn’t fit. She came back about 25 pounds heavier (she was petite to start with), and lost some weight again, though not as severely as before. She eventually died. I don’t remember the official cause of death, but I’ve always thought that she was blown off in regard to anorexia nervosa because of her age.

    I’ve seen several interviews of anorexic middle aged, or older, women. Some didn’t have any eating disorder history until a spouse/partner died, children moved away, a family tragedy, severe illnesses, or other traumatic events. Others had been anorexic in earlier life, but had decades of time when their eating was stable, and they weren’t losing weight. And a few had developed anorexia in their teens, and had never had a period of stable eating and appropriate weights. You can search YouTube for ‘eating disorders in older adults’ or ‘ middle-aged eating disorders’ for videos on this.

    The genetic component is also interesting to me. I’ve got a paternal aunt who has been anorexic since her teens. She must be in her late 70s now. I’ve never met her (I was adopted but found my biological family), but have seen many photos from across her lifespan, and her diagnosis of ‘late onset schizophrenia’ doesn’t match with the degree of interaction or engaged affect in photos (I worked with many schizophrenic patients when I was a RN). But she is very petite, and a close family member of hers said she’d been anorexic for as long as she’d known her. She wasn’t ‘scary thin’, so again, my gut reaction is that her eating disorder damaged her brain because of nutritional deficiencies that have been in place since her teens, as well as how long she’d been engaging in restrictive eating in general. She could easily pass as someone who is just ‘smaller framed’- and with her age, nobody questioned her nutritional state in regards to her symptoms. Who knows what kind of psychiatric meds she’s been put on, when it’s possible she might need nutritional support.

    It’s pretty common in older age to have some type of nutritional deficiencies as appetites change with age, along with grief and depression that occur following the loss of family and friends. There are many vitamin and mineral deficiencies that can cause or mimic mental illnesses. It’s important not to start supplements without talking to your primary care provider. But it’s also something to be aware that nutrition impacts mental health. The best ‘fix’ for nutritional deficiencies is better nutrition!
    Nutritional deficiencies and mental health-
    https://doctor.ndtv.com/nutrition/9-mental-health-issues-nutrient-deficiencies-it-could-indicate-8812494

    Vitamin B 12 deficiency can cause psychotic and dementia like symptoms. It can be reversed if treated in time. If not, it can be permanent. Vitamin B 12 deficiency can also be a big issue in vegetarian and vegan diets in all ages (which can be used by those with eating disorders in order to avoid higher calorie protein sources). As someone who was a RN for 35 years, I do not advise getting B 12 shots at shops in malls, that give them without medical assessment or lab work. The strength of the injections may not be what is appropriate for everyone. Talk to your doctor if you suspect any nutritional deficiencies, and get the appropriate lab work. There are places that will do lab work without a MD order if your doctor dismisses your concerns; you can search for these online in your area.

    Find a lab-
    https://www.ultalabtests.com/?msclkid=49a2b9308ef414bdf2e5d022da946273&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Generic%7CNonbrand%7CBroad&utm_term=medical%20laboratory%20tests&utm_content=Ad%20group%201


    Vitamin B 12 and mental health-
    https://www.newstarget.com/2025-09-16-vitamin-b12-deficiency-overlooked-cause-psychiatric-symptoms.html







  • When Bingeing Is Self-Preservation: Extreme Hunger

    When Bingeing Is Self-Preservation: Extreme Hunger

    Image- Texas Monthly issue on BBQ (not sure which restaurant this is from)

    For those who don’t understand the body’s primary goal of keeping us alive, bingeing might not make a lot of sense. But when someone has been restricting for any period of time, if the body senses that there’s an urgent need to offset any calorie deficits, it does a few things. One is the obsessive thinking about food. Another is focused on feeding others. And when the mental cues to eat are ignored, an almost out of body thing happens… it’s like a mandate to eat. For some, it’s a lot. For others, it’s uncomfortable if it’s not planned meal plan food. But the ultimate purpose is to get calories into a body running on empty. Extreme hunger is normal after a period of restriction.

    Tabitha Farrar talks about the feast and famine responses in her book “Rehabilitate, Rewire, Recover!” (second edition is out now). It goes back to cave man days, when food was sporadic and seasonal. The people in some areas were more nomadic to help source food, but even if people stayed in the same basic area, people ate when food was plentiful to prepare for times of less food.

    I know from nursing school that homeostasis is the goal of the body at all times. Physical hunger cues can be trashed with eating disorders, because they’ve been ignored for so long. Mental cues and insomnia are other ‘kicks in the butt’ to look for food- and again are often ignored. Extreme hunger is like a tornado siren on loudspeaker when the body must. Have. Food.

    The fear of “bingeing”/eating and possible weight gain is incredibly hard to deal with. Anything that could trigger weight gain is avoided- until it can’t be. It is just trying to get calories into a starving body, no matter how long it takes, or how long it lasts. I’m still at a place where I resist any mental or physical hunger if it falls outside of planned food. I want that to change, and I’m also very afraid of it. Not being thin, or even ‘normal weight’, I have trouble justifying feeding what I see in the mirror. I still don’t feel I deserve food, and the chaos with the “expert” isn’t helping, since she was restricting what and how much I ate when she was in control over my food. When I get either mental or physical hunger, I panic.

    But, it does help to hear multiple accounts from people on YouTube who had extreme hunger (often mistaken for bingeing) and that it didn’t last forever. Some gained considerable amounts of weight, and then settled into THEIR body’s healthy weight- which often has nothing in common with that stupid BMI chart. Extreme hunger can be physical or mental. Both are valid, and the current recommendations are to honor that by eating what your body is asking for, as much as it needs. By replenishing the stores, the hunger dissipates over time once things are again in balance with needs and energy requirements. From what I’ve read, the time this takes varies with each person.

    While I haven’t read a lot about binge eating disorder, there are those who believe that the excessive eating is really a response to restriction in those folks as well. That does make sense. I’ve known several people who don’t eat that much to support their weight, but who describe not being able to control their hunger once it hits.

  • Figuring Out Little Steps To Quiet the Eating Disorder “Voice”

    Figuring Out Little Steps To Quiet the Eating Disorder “Voice”

    PHOTO- mine; window in the kitchen at my childhood home. Designed by Tom Heflin and made by Frank Hautkamp

    It is so hard to justify eating when I see what is in the mirror. Logically, I know that food is fuel, but for as long as I can remember, it was seen as something to be avoided at any cost, and the value of nutrition was never in the mix. As an adult, and nurse for 35 years, I had to take a nutrition class (skimpy on useful info) and learned more disease-specific nutrition issues during nursing school. And none of that ever seemed like anything I deserved. Even when I had lost weight prior to college, and was at the lower end of what looked OK in my body type, I still had to compensate for any calories consumed.

    SO, I’m trying to find ways to go against my head, but not add weight. I’m back to my pre-relapse weight (again), and some things I’ve read said that it’s more likely my weight will stabilize as long as I don’t start to restrict more again. That is so hard. Eating is uncomfortable physically, and the shame of eating is still strong. I get away with getting food in if it’s going to keep my kidneys from going AWOL, but that’s about it. Everything else is a constant reminder from my eating disorder voice (head) that i’m not good enough to eat food I enjoy. There has to be a purpose for the food to justify it.

    My dietician told me it’s OK to have something once in a while just because I want it- no rules other than safety with the chronic medical issues that dictate some food rules that I can’t eliminate- but hope to get more settled. I will be doing a pre-holiday grocery list to get later in November, and I decided on Peppermint Stick Ice Cream, which is seasonal here, and a favorite of mine. My head is already chastising me for something so indulgent, and yet I don’t plan on eating a lot of it, but being able to taste something I really used to enjoy. It’s been at least 12-13 years since i had it, and like usual, I had some and then threw the rest away. This year, I plan to divide it into ‘safe’ portions, and put them in airtight cups to eat during the remainder of the cooler months. That sounds so stupid to have to plan ice cream like that. But it’s either that, or I can’t bring myself to eat it.

    Getting fresh fruits and veggies has been good again. I have to be careful that the low calorie nature of produce doesn’t require increasing other foods to the point that volume becomes very uncomfortable. It seems there’s always something physical that keeps the mental aspect on a rollercoaster trajectory, and that can be exhausting.

    One of my favorite meals (now that there are no external ‘bans’ on any foods or food groups) is a chickpea salad. I combine canned chickpeas, kalamata olives, feta cheese, red/yellow/orange bell peppers (any one or combo), cucumber, red onion, a few croutons, and a Greek vinaigrette. It’s super simple, and good for a few days, so prep is maximized. The croutons and dressing go on last minute. Lettuce doesn’t really have enough nutrition to justify the expense, so my salad is made from salad toppings. I like meat, but with gout vegetarian options are safer for avoiding gout flares, and I like the fresh veggies in this. It’s taken a long time for my head to let me say something is a favorite. ‘Liking’ something has been too close to ending up on some wild binge, though I haven’t really binged for a long time (decades). I’ve eaten things I didn’t plan on, and that freaked me out, but nothing compared to 1981 when I only had an apple or 1/2 baked potato each day during the week, and then went nuts on the weekend.

    The little steps are things most people never think about, and that’s great for them. For me, making the jump from shame to viewing food as fuel seems like climbing Mt Everest on my hands and knees. To ‘want’ something is to risk eating something that has been condemned since childhood. And I still have trouble seeing food as a ‘need’, even though my body (kidneys in particular) have made it clear that they’re fed up with running on fumes. In some ways, the acute kidney failure twice in 4 1/2 years was a wake up call that I could deal with because it wasn’t requiring that I feed myself, but consume enough to protect my kidneys. That probably sounds whacko to ‘normal’ people, but at this point, I’ll take whatever sinks in that leads towards being healthier. At my age, I don’t have more time for failed attempts.

  • Doing The Opposite Of What My ‘Head’ Says

    Doing The Opposite Of What My ‘Head’ Says

    Photo: Mine, lychees

    This is so hard. I’ve never known “normal” eating, and now have the Ex-T’s “food rules” to undo as well. The entire idea of restrictive eating disorder therapy to undo the restrictive eating disorder is NOT to have food rules (other than those I have to deal with for medical issues- diabetes, kidney disease, and gout). I just want my head to settle down, and not dictate what I eat, how much, when, etc. I’ve had periods of time when it was all less intense, but for the last 4 1/2 years, it’s been pretty constant- the longest continuous time in my life when I’ve been so controlled by ‘my head’ to this degree. I’ve been in acute renal failure/acute kidney injury twice because of not eating enough in those 4 1/2 years. I have to get this sorted out. I do have a dietician, and I’m thankful for her.

    Every time I make a day’s food plan, it’s all about ‘the numbers’. I don’t eat things I like UNLESS they also fit into the days ‘numbers’. Macros (protein, carbs, fats), as well as sodium (can’t go too low or my BP drops which puts my kidneys at risk, and muscle cramping is horrific). If I spontaneously eat something different during the day that messes with those numbers, I have to redo the rest of the day so the ‘numbers’ are OK again. I’m trying to figure out how to just eat stuff without focusing on the stupid numbers as much, but it’s all I’ve known for 5+ decades.

    My hunger cues have been messed up for a long time. For many years, I didn’t feel physical hunger, even though I thought about food constantly and still do. I am starting to feel physical hunger again, and it’s terrifying. I have images of me eating what I want until I feel full and ending up gaining even more unneeded weight. In reality, it doesn’t take much for me to feel full. But the fear is very real. I view myself as already grotesquely overweight, even though when I see TV shows about extremely obese peoples’ weight loss journeys I don’t judge them. I just wonder what hurt them so badly that they are hurting themselves so much. I know that sounds hypocritical. I KNOW all of this is bonkers. And, I can’t just flip a switch.

    I want to set up a day when my blood sugars are more stable (parathyroid hormone is wonky right now, so insulin resistance is increased), and then just try and – for one day only (to minimize panic in my head)- eat what sounds good when I’m hungry, and not worry so much about anything that isn’t focused on getting me stronger. If I make it for only one day, I don’t have the pressure to do it for longer while giving myself the chance to see that it is possible. Then, I can do 2 days, etc. In the meantime, I’m trying to have one thing every day- even if it’s just 15 grams more of something, that is against what my head wants, which is eating close to nothing, although I’m eating ‘enough’ to keep kidney function stable at this point. I do get some reprieve because of the kidney situation, but it’s not all-encompassing. I HOPE that if I can get my eating more ‘normally’ that my kidneys will do better. I am not someone who would do dialysis if it came to that.

    I have found that I do better if I can avoid sweet foods in the morning. I just don’t like them, so the past 3 1/2 years of being strongly encouraged to eat yogurt and berries, kefir, or oatmeal/porridge, and the horrible sweetness of those, have been miserable. I couldn’t find a savory oatmeal recipe that sounded edible. Scrambled eggs were/are allowed, but when my blood pressure isn’t stable, or I’m in a lot of pain, it’s hard to do a lot of stuff that requires prep and/or cooking. I much prefer something like cheese and crackers, and maybe some fruit that has a bit of tang, or even leftovers from another savory meal. Many countries have soups as ‘normal’ breakfasts, and that might also be a good thing to try.

    Single serving items are also helpful, though I have to be careful with prices. For frozen entrees, I have several that are budget friendly and taste good, and only require being popped into the oven or microwave. Lean Cuisine has a lot of flavor options, and for a substantial treat, I’ll get Amy’s Kitchen or MichaelAngelo’s frozen single serve entrees. With some products, I can count out the portion size-and that’s doable. I do like the flavor of a lot of different ethnic foods, so that helps as well. I do have very specific dislikes, but those are easy enough to avoid.

    It’s been good to be having more fresh fruits and vegetables, though with the prices in the US, most are a luxury. It helps to incorporate them into chickpea salads, or other food ‘stretching’ meals, and keep the frozen and some canned items for more ‘bulky’ vegetable servings. Lettuce is too expensive for what it provides, so most of my salads are what I’d put on a bed of greens. It cuts down on the volume without cutting down on the nutrition that comes from the chickpeas, peppers, onion, olives, cheese, and croutons. Doing seasonal grocery lists has been useful, as have some frozen options. I could have fruit and veg with Ex-T, but with the other stuff she wanted me to get in, volume tolerance was a problem. Now, I prefer to prioritize fruit and veggies more, and ‘fill in’ with protein, starches, and fats with an emphasis on nuts, olives, and the occasional avocado or premade single serving of guacamole. It’s still a challenge not to feel too full, but I’m making little steps.

    Mostly, I need to quit freaking out about the numbers at the end of the day. I don’t let myself get to a calorie level that is too scary, and that’s still a problem. Calories should only be an issue in that I get enough to fuel my body for continued healing. Not that are restricted because it’s what the eating disorder wants.

  • Food At My House While Growing Up

    Food At My House While Growing Up

    Photo: online search

    My folks were always weight conscious, to the point of extreme dieting. Dad didn’t have a weight problem, but thought he did if his trousers felt a bit snug. Mom was ‘normal’, and not fat, but always on some kind of diet or going to some diet meeting. I ended up being most impacted by my mom’s food rules and bribes for me to lose weight starting when I was 6-7 years old and not at all fat.

    Prior to the diet invasion into my life, I don’t remember a lot about food one way or the other. I know we had “kid cereal” when I was younger than 5 years old, because my dad liked it. Food really wasn’t an issue unless it was something I didn’t like (or threw up when I ate it- like cooked carrots, baked beans, and cold french fries). It was when the diet bribes started that my weight was constantly a part of my daily thinking. No child should be on diets that aren’t medically necessary or supervised. And offering a kid a dollar for every pound they lost (when gas was 36 cents a gallon) and a big bag of candy for every five pounds (how that made any sense, I’ll never know) isn’t OK. My mom wasn’t ‘bad’, but she was misguided by her own weight issues and wanting me to look like the beanpole kids at church. I’m built more like a brick. It would never work out. But as a kid, I wanted her to be happy.

    As a family, we always had dinner together unless my folks were out of town, or at a work or church party of some sort. If my folks were entertaining guests for dinner, I got a TV dinner, which I loved ! I could pick whatever I wanted. But a ‘normal’ dinner for three would be one 15 oz can of ravioli, or sharing a box of Kraft mac & cheese (a hotdog would be cut up in it sometimes), or soup. But we did at least eat together.

    My folks travelled over school breaks, and I’d stay with my grandparents (usually paternal since they were closer to our house). I was allowed to eat there most of the time, and would gain a few pounds. Being an active kid, it came off when I went back home. But my grandma always made sure she had some special things for me, and I was allowed to cook when I was in 2nd and 3rd grade, with pans she put in a certain place in the cabinet. They had “normal” food. Not fancy, but my Swedish grandma could cook and bake really good food. And it was much more nutritious than what was at home. A big treat was sardines on toast for breakfast. I loved it- and it wasn’t unhealthy.

    In high school, I started doing diet competitions with classmates, and I made sure I always won. My mom had no issue with me having less than 600 calories per day (my usual would have been well under 1000). She’d buy me whatever foods the diet called for. My skating coach was never pleased when I was restricting, because I was a space cadet which could be risky with jumps and spins. More than once I fell and didn’t know why.

    I don’t blame my parents for having an eating disorder. I think they did the best with their own hang-ups about food and weight. I was impacted by it, but I don’t believe it was malicious.

  • How I Got To This Point Part 1: Childhood Diets

    How I Got To This Point Part 1: Childhood Diets

    Photo: mine; me, age 5 1/2 (summer before diet bribes started)

    I’ve been a problem eater since birth. I was put up for adoption, and before I could be placed in my parents’ home, I spent 9 days in the hospital in 2 cities because I didn’t like the hospital formula. They got that sorted out, and my folks picked me up when I was 10 days old in the 3rd city I’d been in by that age. My folks were not horrible people. They were fallible humans, like most of us, and for the most part, they did the best they could. I found my biological family decades ago, and have a great relationship with my biological mother, as well as extended family. My birth mom is probably my best friend. When I found her, I found the rest of me.

    I didn’t have weight issues as a kid. Photos show a very normal weight child, who was active and healthy. Then, my mom decided to start bribing me (with cash and candy, which was stupid) to lose weight. I’m not sure where she wanted it gone from, but she never let up. A typical packed lunch was one slice of bread, a boiled egg, maybe fruit, and milk from school (I hated milk from a very young age as well, so got the gnarly orange drink instead). I had a key to the house when I was 6, and got myself home from 2nd grade to get lunch at home, often soup or a sandwich, and then locked up the house and walked 6 blocks back to school.

    My mom and dad were always on diets or restricting food for the whole family. It was typical for 3 of us to share one 15 oz can of mini ravioli for dinner when I was in high school. If they had something I didn’t like, I either ate it, or went without. When we went to McDonald’s for report card day or when we travelled, I was expected to get the smallest/ cheapest things on the menu… the prices when the McD’s reward started, for the entire regular small hamburger, small fries, and small Coke, was 69 cents.

    I was a figure skater as a very young kid (4-5 years old), and took it up again in 7th grade when a new rink opened up closer to our house. I LOVED skating. I felt free at the rink, and my coach was very kind to me. My mom would weigh me before lessons, and if she didn’t like my weight, she refused to pay for the lesson. I’d literally run around the neighborhood to sweat off some weight because I was desperate to get out of the house, to a place where I felt like I was enough just being me. My coach knew I was on weird diets, and never supported them. I found out years after I stopped skating, and had moved away from home, that I had been scouted as an ice dance partner. I knew random coaches approached me during public sessions and asked me to do various footwork sequences, and I did them without knowing they were Senior level test patterns. I just thought it was fun.

    The diet mentality never stopped. My mom was never as interested in what I was doing as when I was on a diet. She’d buy whatever food the diet called for, no questions asked. And, I’d lose weight until the diet was over, then gain it back. Diets don’t work. They screw up metabolic rates by putting the body into a ‘famine’ mode, so it hangs on to whatever it gets. The summer before going off to the University of Illinois, I developed full-blown anorexia nervosa (more on that in another post).

    I did diet competitions with some very thin twins I’d known since infancy at the church nursery. I always won because I had more to lose. When figuring out my average ‘non-dieting’ calories growing up, it came to about 700-900 per day. I was supposed to grow and be healthy on what I was given to eat, and that wasn’t enough, but I didn’t know any different. I knew my friends’ families didn’t eat like we did, but I also knew better than to complain. That wasn’t allowed. I was instructed always to say I was fine, no matter what.

    I started babysitting regularly at age 11 (I was a responsible kid who knew how to handle newborns), and used that money to take my bike to the store to get fruit roll-ups (before they came in boxes, but were wrapped in cellophane), crackers, or anything to help fill me up when I got hungry. Snacks were not allowed, so if i made something at home it had to be from ingredients nobody would miss- like flour and water ‘crusts’ with ketchup with oregano, and microwave it. Gross, but got the job done. Food was something to be ashamed of wanting, or even needing.

    I’ve been learning what are normal amounts for the first time in my life in my early 60s. It’s been physically miserable, and my dislike for food has grown because of the discomfort. I haven’t been asked to eat a lot- it’s all a ‘threat’. I was raised to have an eating disorder. It wasn’t the intent, but it was kind of a normal reaction to an abnormal frame of reference. There are things I like, but wanting them is “bad”. I know logically that food is just food, but because of zippo self-worth, I don’t think I deserve to enjoy what I eat… it’s simply a means to an end, and not very enticing because of that. I want that to change.

  • General Thoughts About Moving Forward After Ex-Therapist

    General Thoughts About Moving Forward After Ex-Therapist

    There were never any consistent “lessons” with Ex-T (ex-therapist)- I knew her basic beliefs about eating disorders, but that’s it. She mentioned the importance of what I tell myself about myself-and that the brain hangs on to all of that, but that was about the extent of it. I no longer support many of her views and methods. While there are some valid points about the ‘confirmed negativity’ in the minds of people with many types of psychological disorders, I think there is room for other influencing factors as well. She did deal with trauma, but with me it was only discussions of what happened- nothing about what to do with it.

    Some things Ex-T wrote in her book are thing I do still believe, but her “objectification” of criticism of what was going on with MY “therapy” turned into just ignoring it altogether. There was no discussion. I over-objectify a lot of things (even she said that I went too far with something that was just logical to me), but I will NOT objectify my right to emotional reactions, or how long it takes me to work through them. Only robots do that. Or sociopaths. People have emotions. They’re not good or bad- they just are.

    What someone does with emotional responses is another matter. Example- when I was raped, it changed my life permanently, BUT I also knew it had nothing to do with me as a human being. What happened was because of him, not me. And, I didn’t transfer my feelings about men to ALL men because of the CHOICES and torture by one man. I was gutted that day, but I still had some great male friends and coworkers that never triggered me after that rape.

    With Tabitha Farrar, there is a lot of focus on neural rewiring and HOW to do that (to be fair, Ex-T also believed strongly in this- but without the ‘how to’ part, at least with my 3 + years of going nowhere), . She has written one main book, and several smaller books on why it’s important to not give the brain any more ammunition to feed the eating disorder. What we all tell ourselves about ourself matters with mental health. Farrar also believes in the genetic component. Ex-T didn’t, at least when I mentioned it, she referred back to the term and beliefs SHE created. I do agree with her in that the feeling of worthlessness is a core feature of people with eating disorders (and other emotional issues). That’s what struck me most in that news program about her clinic back in the late 90s. I’d never heard someone who ‘got it’, and didn’t agree with the ‘control’ reason (control is shot fairy early on), fashion (most of us wear a lot of baggy stuff- not exactly runway material), or other superficial reasons.

    I have a STRONG genetic ‘link’ in my biological paternal aunt who was (and I think still is) anorexic since the 1960s. She supposedly developed late-onset schizophrenia, but I think she likely has damage from decades of malnutrition that doctors simply don’t assess for, or know what to do with when it’s an adult they’re diagnosing. Adult primary care MDs don’t get educated about eating disorders or the impact of malnutrition (that’s why they do dietary consult orders, or just ignore the issue altogether). In photos I’ve seen of my biological aunt in her later life, she was emotionally connected to and interacting with those around her in a way that I haven’t seen in schizophrenics (I worked psych and nursing homes that had schizophrenic patients). She’s still very petite. Remember, only %6 of those with eating disorders are noticeably underweight.

    At any rate, I wish I’d gone with Farrar’s books a lot sooner, and saved myself the psychological trauma of Ex-T. I have a lot of things to “un-do” from Ex-T’s orthorexic food ‘rules’ and cult-like manipulation and psychological control. I doubt I’m the only one of her patients to end up feeling like this when the real ‘wizard’ was finally seen after the curtain was pulled back, so to speak.

    In looking at the food list she sent me (after a year of promises to do so), it’s clear that she was restricting my food- and yes, I want to lose weight to be healthier, but every other CURRENT eating disorder content creator believes in lifting all non-medical food rules to get to ‘normal’. Not more restriction. I shouldn’t feel guilty for having Special K because of one ingredient that is in it, that isn’t consumed daily, and not in anything else I eat. It’s a great source of protein, and my options for protein are limited by gout and kidney disease.

    If I never have kefir again, I won’t be bothered. And it’s going to take a while to want yogurt or oatmeal again. Most things Ex-T suggested didn’t require teeth, and I think that’s because she worked with developmental stages (not a bad thing, unless it goes on too long and doesn’t involve fixing anything). A cracker was about as ‘toothy’ as it got.

    My dietician wanted me on nutritional supplements years ago, even being overweight, which solidified that my weight didn’t equate to being nourished. I still have trouble justifying feeding what I see in the mirror. I didn’t want supplements, but at least I know that IF I decide to use them, the dietician (Masters’ degree) supports that. She also supports having something now and then just because I like it. I’m not used to that… from long before Ex-T.

    With Ex-T, she wanted to control food- and initially, that was helpful since I was SO terrified. Just opening the fridge door would have me in tears (and she’d tell me about how she was cooking for ‘kids’- regardless of chronological age- at her house while I was white-knuckling it at home alone). More than 3 years later, I’m still very much about watching “the numbers”, especially macros, which I am stuck with to some degree with diabetes, gout, and kidney disease and their associated food limitations. But at some point, it felt like controlling what i ate was more about her having control over me– not helping me deal with seeing food as something beyond terrifying and very shameful. From a young age, food has always been associated with ‘worth’- and according to my mom, I shouldn’t even want to eat. She wanted a kid built like a toothpick… I am built more like a soda can. I’m trying to use that to help in my perception of why I have to eat. Different bodies = different needs. But we all deserve to fuel our lives… I’m just not good at that yet.