Photo: mine
My medical situation is complicated. I have various diseases and disorders which can make figuring out symptoms difficult. And I seem to have a list of diagnoses that makes me a favorite patient to send to various consultants, so nobody knows what the other guy/gal is doing. It gets very old. Some do a great job. Others tell me to tell my primary doc what’s going on. When I found out about the colon polyp (it’s large at 1.5cm), I wanted to talk to my ex-therapist about the ideas she’d mentioned briefly the day before, but when I messaged her to discuss some possible ways to make a very large prep easier (as she instructed), she had to “check her schedule” first. It felt like she told me to just go ahead and die (not her words, but that was the impact). She then told me of her various and incredulous medical issues, as if she were on death’s door- but was flying all over Europe or walking around London whenever she felt like it. Soon it was sick family, COVID & long COVID at the same time, etc. Felt like a huge slap in the face. She had time for other patients, but not to help me figure out a way to possibly eliminate something that could kill me if it evolves into cancer. Right now, it’s ‘just’ a large polyp with suspected other ones because of the size. GI wants it out, but not enough to work with me. Stepford patients.
At any rate, I’m working on getting enough carbs and protein, as well as decent fats to avoid acute renal failure again (2x in 5 years is 2x too many), and the bloating that I expected to get better at some point (it’s been almost 4 years) is still acting up, though not consistently or with any rhyme or reason with types of foods. So, I tend to blame it on what I eat, but there are times when something feels different. I’m not willing to do another colonoscopy at this point since the GI docs won’t work with me on the volume/type of prep because of my kidney disease, even though my nephrologist signed off on a one time use of the products that worked nicely when i had a colonoscopy after I finished leukemia (APL) chemo, and was getting a new baseline work-up to know where I stood in terms of anything sketchy going on. It all went well. Colon was squeaky clean, and free of anything worrying. Great news !!
I’m trying some anti-gas meds, but so far my old reliable Gas-X is not doing much. Next will be some hot tea to see if that eases the bloating (I’m in my 60s and look 6 months pregnant, with a shaved head that has about a dozen cysts/lipomas in various sizes- so i’m a weird sight to behold). The NG is also still hanging out of my nose- so I look like a candidate for a reboot of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”, and not as a nurse. I want this to settle down so I can move on with a plan to alternate what I eat to minimize protein issues, increase veggies and fruits, and work on eating what scares me in small amounts.
I look like I need about 2 years at a fat farm, but the whole idea behind undoing eating disorder damage and head racket is to go through the hard part of eating in more normal ways and removing food ‘labels’ like ‘good’ and ‘bad’. I’m still terrified, and cannot ‘justify’ feeding what i see in the mirror. It’s horrifying- and yet logically I know that food is fuel, and even my inferior self needs it to live. I struggle with how worth it is it to keep doing what causes physical and emotional discomfort, but is also necessary. I WANT to be “normal”– and from what i understand, it’s about variety, socialization, enjoying the food, and not restricting (though I’m finding more ways to work medical food restrictions safely).
Today was kind of a weird day, which always throws things off with food and fluid intake because of not wanting my plumbing (either way) to get triggered when I’m away from home (another side effect of pelvic floor muscle weakness from malnutrition). I also have a gut that has been put through hell for 50 years. I had an eye appointment (first in 9 1/2 years), and found out that I have a cataract in my right eye (not surgery time yet, especially with summer coming), and a much stronger prescription for glasses (expected that after so long), so $500 later (that was with the ‘no vision insurance’ package deal) I did get some answers about why I’ve had episodic headaches that are new, and why it’s so bloody hard to read without some kind of small microscope (labels in particular are written in microscopic print). Handheld magnifying glasses with lights are helpful, but I need something on my face to read books, articles, etc. I limit reading online for the same reason, though have the blue light filter thingie on my laptop.
Anyway, I digress- the point was that changes in routine are tough to catch up on. It already takes a day before the appointment to get ready and shower, then the day of the appointment, it’s in and out of the car at least twice, and then a day or two to recover- so 3-4 days out of the week for a single appointment (I’ve had appointments 2 days in a row, and I’m feeling it in my SI joint- where the pelvis meets the sacrum). When I get home the day of the appointment, I have to catch up on whatever food and fluid I missed because of the ‘routine’ being messed up. I use ‘routine’ lightly, since I have an odd awake/sleep ‘schedule’ of maybe getting to sleep by 5 a.m. some days, and then sleeping until at least noon, but it could be crazier with not getting to bed until 8 a.m. and sleeping until 4-5 p.m. There’s no actual ‘routine’ other than I get up when I get up, and sleep when I sleep. I like sleeping during the day, especially in the warmer months when I can get more done later when the sun goes down- even inside it matters. This from someone who used to work 4 doubles a week at the coma stim job, and 8-16 hours for the others. I loved 12 hour weekends and Mondays, then off Tuesday-Friday.- lots of time for going out with my camera along the back roads of Texas. Or making the realistic dolls I paint, weight, and sell when my studio equipment is available. I miss those days, but if I ever get the energy to get my apartment sorted out, I can do the dolls again.
But, I keep trying even though some days it feels like hell.
Tag: psychologist
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Why Am I Still Bloating After Eating? ED or Colon Polyp Changes?
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It’s Been A ‘Bleh’ Couple Of Weeks
Image- online search
The past couple of weeks have been exhausting for no good reason. My activity level essentially never changes with being housebound, but I’ve not felt great. With the colon cancer screening fails, that’s a bit unnerving, but the main areas of discomfort aren’t located in the iffy anatomical neighborhood, so that’s a little bit of a relief. I’ve had what feels like bruised ribs under my right armpit, but haven’t hurt anything there, so I don’t know what’s going on. I have a history of blood clots in my right lung, but that was 18 years ago, and I have no respiratory or cardiac symptoms. I need to make another THC dispensary run, since that’s what allows me to sleep, especially when I’m in pain.
The aftermath of the ex-therapist’s harm continues to be an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve heard and read so much more about her pattern of breadcrumbing and in some cases abuse that can’t be part of any normal therapy. I finally read a book about her, and was surprised but also not surprised. There was one situation in particular that she yelled at me when she called. The way she explained away that type of “therapy” in an interview was that the patients actually want that, so their eating disorder ‘mind’ isn’t as upset over the activity being yelled about, which is generally related to eating.
I’d had a rough day about 7 months into ‘therapy’ with her, and the patient she had talking to me on a regular basis had let her know that I hadn’t eaten what I was supposed to, so when Ex-T was home from her ‘food police’ time with the guy who showed up from Oz, she called me and yelled what I had to eat while she was on the phone, and then “don’t take all day with one cracker” (they’re dry, and I have physical issues with swallowing), “get X and eat it now”, etc. I was stunned, and miserably full when she got done shouting ‘orders’. She sounded SO different than the person I’d spoken with prior to that night. It was frightening.
In an email sent to her a while back, explaining how damaging the lack of contact had been, especially around the 2nd colonoscopy prep my GI doctor wanted done, her only response was how it all impacted her. NO comment about what I, HER PATIENT, had been going through. Then some vague comments about her health (a common explanation for lack of contact), with nothing specific disclosed (her prerogative), which was also a pattern. So, I’m trying to figure out what to do, and she’s having a pity festival over being butt hurt by my email about what was going wrong with the so-called therapy. The health stuff may be true (hope not) but it all fits into the breadcrumbing pattern of toxic control and psychological manipulation, so I don’t know if I can- or should- believe her. She’s still wanting some kind of contact, but I’m so far past wanting anything to do with her that I can’t see a situation where I’d want to talk to her again. At least I could block a couple of ways she could contact me, along with anyone I know who might be used to find out info from me, but I can’t block her on my email, unfortunately.
I am having more days when I’m not as bothered by her behavior, but it’s still hard to come to terms with how much worse this all was than what I’d envisioned. I didn’t think I’d be afraid to speak about her (via blogging), or find so many other examples on videos or in books where she was completely past any type of therapeutic ‘reason’ in what she did. She made up her own ‘condition’ to explain eating disorders, and there are parts of that that do resonate with a LOT of people, including me, though not as much now. She had some very good ideas at times, and when I first heard about her, I was amazed that she ‘got it’. But then having contact with her showed me someone unrecognizable from who I saw on a news program about her clinic. I also found a document on a financial website showing that the clinic had made over $9M CAD. Dun & Bradstreet is a known name, and it just came up when googling the clinic. This corresponds to the comments about how she lost interest in patients who ran out of money. Everything I’d seen in court papers from an investigation into her clinic pans out- and for so long, I didn’t want to believe any of that. That was my foolishness.
The holidays are also rough, not only with most of my family gone (who are around here and with whom I grew up), but with the eating disorder. I have a friend who invites me to every family holiday meal she hosts, which is SO kind, and I truly do appreciate being included. But I still can’t eat around others, and the autonomic disorder makes being inside a space with a thermostat set for normal people difficult, the stuff I’d have to drag with me is nuts, and also the temperature of what I eat impacts my declining invitations. I hope I get to the day when it’s not so hard.
I’m hoping that the pain of not getting well with Ex-T eases consistently in time, and that I get to the point of it being completely behind me. I won’t seek out help from another virtual therapy situation (or any new humans in general), and Medicare won’t pay for much- though I do have a very good dietician, so that helps. In the meantime, I’m exhausted physically and mentally, and am looking forward to possibly getting some snow this weekend. That generally perks me up for a while.