Atypically Recovering: On My Own No Matter How This Goes

Tag: therapy trauma

  • Breadcrumbing: Why We Tolerate It Until We Can’t

    Image: online search- not my photo

    I found this article about breadcrumbing when I was looking at stats (“clicks”) on the blog site, and it’s well done, and offers some ideas for setting boundaries to protect oneself. I wish I’d searched for information about what was going on much sooner than I did. I hope this helps someone who is still in that mental struggle of feeling conflicted about the person they thought they knew vs. the reality of what’s going on. It’s hard. It’s easy to feel ‘stupid’ for not seeing it sooner. It’s a total mindfuck at times. But there is a way to escape the grip of manipulation by someone who is supposed to be helping.

    https://serenity-sessions.com/breadcrumbing-psychology-how-to-stop-chasing-emotional-crumbs/

  • Uneventful Few Days, Thank God.

    Uneventful Few Days, Thank God.

    Photo: mine

    This roller coaster of emotions as I work through the therapy trauma as well as trying not to lose too much ground on the recovery front is exhausting, so having a few days without anything chaotic going on has been a welcome relief. I had a few routine semi-annual MD visits, which I never look forward to, but they went OK and the weather was cooler which minimizes driving anxiety with the dysautonomia/heat intolerance. Kidney function is a tiny bit worse but still in the same ballpark as it’s been. Parathyroid levels were still elevated, so bones are at risk (already have osteopenia), but meds were adjusted for that. It’s imperative that I don’t let my carbohydrate intake go too low in order to prevent another round of acute renal failure (already 2x in 5 years from carbs being too low). The NG tube is still responsible for roughly half of my fluid intake, so that is relieving some anxiety about fluid intake, and helps to minimize how much I have to do with one thing that is already hard. Whatever makes this easier is on the ‘approved’ list if it means keeping my kidneys functioning. The rest of the chronic stuff may or may not improve, but my kidneys will decline if I don’t keep carbs and fluids adequate.

    Emotionally, it’s been a bit less mellow, but with that I am fine with letting some disassociation kick in periodically if it means keeping my brain from spinning out. I will go into the disassociation more one day, when I’m feeling less conflicted about the last 4 years… it’s been that long since beginning active discussion with ex-therapist about being one of her patients. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take to work through the betrayal and exploitation, but I do hope that day comes. I try to remember good parts, and there were some, especially early on. If I can’t remember more of those times, then I don’t want to remember any of this. I don’t like not feeling like I’m ‘here’ enough to be mindful of what is going on, and at the same time being able to ‘check out’ helps with the days when I yearn for not being here at all. I’m not suicidal… I’m exhausted, traumatized, and overwhelmed. Disassociation can be a gift, even when it also feels weird and awkward to discuss. In some ways, it’s like very deep ‘daydreaming’ that gives my mind a break from current stressors. That’s a bit simplistic, but will do for now.

    It’s been 8 months since the ‘no call’ to discuss the 2nd colonoscopy prep, and since it never happened and the first prep was very noticeably way more than my stomach could hold, even though I didn’t get all of it in, I didn’t have that polyp removal scope. I was in acute severe pain for hours. It felt too physically risky. I have done preps before and was a laxative purger in the early years, as well as the 1995 relapse, so am familiar with how laxatives work. I should never have been THAT bloated or in THAT much pain with the first scope. For the GI doctors I saw, delayed gastric emptying (VERY common with eating disorders) seemed to be a foreign concept. That 2nd colonoscopy was to remove the large polyp and look for the others that were suspected based on the size of the 1.5cm one they got a photo of.

    Her refusal to speak to me as she said she would and degree of apathy spoke volumes. She also tried to tell me about some apparently horrible health issues of her own (vague, cryptic, and “won’t say more because I’m concerned about your health issues”… Uh, SERIOUSLY??) which was on brand whenever she either didn’t want to talk, or had someone else more important to cater to. But, nobody close to her seems to have any clue about any medical issues, so…. ??? It all felt like a way to avoid accountability for her erratic “therapy” and undependable phone call completion rate. Even though she said she was healthy during our first call, I heard about a broken front tooth, multiple issues with a chronic leg problem, asthma, migraines, “a flu” several times (likely food poisoning- IF anything with those since she didn’t report respiratory issues, and influenza IS a respiratory virus), some respiratory infections with no contact for a month, some mystery serious thing that she didn’t have treated- discovered by a pet (which I have heard of, but that she bailed on getting it properly diagnosed was weird- and was flying all over Europe a week after this ‘thing’, so ??), COVID and long-COVID at the same time (not a thing without having COVID before the long-COVID prior to reinfection- in a town with 300 cases among 140K people- and she was one of them? Possible? Yes. Probable? Like desert property in a swamp). Each time she told me of one of her medical issues, a little more detail was added. I was a nurse for 35 years, keeping my continuing education hours up, and some stories simply do not make sense.

    I doubt everything she ever said, especially looking back at patterns. New patient moving in (to her home, or another WhatsApp patient) meant radio silence and not even seeing messages for up to a week or so… she ‘shelved’ current patients who weren’t well yet for new ones who took more time, leaving those of us who were already ‘in’ “therapy” before she took on new ones she didn’t have time for . From online comments and the McClintock book, it always revolved around finding the patients who would likely pay more than those of us who were ‘shelved’ with a bit of ‘breadcrumbing’, though she’d agreed to the rates we all paid prior to starting, OR said she’d keep patients with no additional charges. And then ask for monthly money in varying amounts for her personal or adult child’s expenses (sadly, the older daughter was VERY rarely mentioned).

    People with eating disorders are already pretty good at feeling worthless, and her actions reinforced that I didn’t mean anything to her, especially after going through the money I’d set aside for therapy- and she continued to ask for more with decreasing contact. The “I love you like a daughter” gives me the creeps now. In a few seconds, I went from hoping for an idea that would help get through the colonoscopy prep to feeling absolutely kicked to the curb. Reminded me of one side of the family’s narcissistic callousness. If I would have listened to anyone about the prep, it would have been her. Since then, I’ve refused to speak to her when it was convenient for her. Worthlessness confirmed. “Therapy” done, and failed. All of the bullshit terms of endearment , compliments, agreeing with a LOT- it all feels fake, and I don’t know how long that takes to work through. Writing does help, however, and I thank you who read my yammering on about this. I hope it starts to fade soon.

    I’m not forcing food, but am trying to get in the minimums- though with protein I don’t see a big problem with giving my kidneys a bit of a break. I also have a lot more leg muscle and bicep muscle than 4 years ago. I don’t mind the bicep muscle but the leg muscle just looks like very pale tree trunks, so if that shrinks again, I won’t be at all upset. I’ve removed as many things as possible from the ‘forbidden list’ (as much as I can… works out fine until I try to actually eat ‘fear foods’ and think about the ‘numbers’). If I want soup for breakfast, so be it. If I want cereal for lunch, OK. If I need to get some protein in , but I’m not wanting anything edible, I toss some IsoPure Clear protein into the NG bag. I guess I’m in “whatever works” mode. Kinda like I have been since I was in my teens. It’s kept me alive this long, so I hope I still have time to get back to my baseline eating. It’s still considered restrictive, but I was stable. If I a get back to where I was prior to gaining weight on less than maintenance calories, I’ll evaluate to see if I can tolerate that weight. I don’t have to be an x-ray with skin, but enough lighter to improve mobility, pain, blood sugars, and kidney functioning (not sure about the last one being reversible). My independence depends on it. So, I’m very tired, but hanging on.

    Thank you for putting up with me. And a particular thank you to whoever is reposting these posts.

  • Have I Gotten Anything Right Yet?

    Have I Gotten Anything Right Yet?

    Photo: mine

    It’s been nearly a year since things with my former eating disorder ‘therapist’ went far enough down the tubes to feel like therapy, such as it was, was over. Nobody had asked about my intake for a couple of years, so it seemed like it didn’t really matter if I ate or not. I knew I’d have to make myself get in enough fluids and food to make sure that my kidneys had enough on board not to get worse. It’s been hard, and there are a lot of days when I think about just going back to what was less physically uncomfortable. The emotional end of things has been much harder considering all that has gone on with my former non-therapy.

    I’ve tried multiple times over nearly 4 years to get rid of the nasogastric tube that gets enough fluids in for adequate kidney function, as well as blood pressure support. The tube is back in after another try at not having it last month. I made it a few days, with lower volume food intake (tried to eat higher density foods, but I don’t like a lot of them), but then struggled for 3 days, and that’s my self-imposed limit. I can’t risk going longer since I’ve been in acute renal failure twice in the past 4 1/2 years. But I am still maintaining fluids, even if I need the tube to do so.

    Food is still a problem. “Normal” eating is still something I don’t feel I deserve, and it’s physically unpleasant with bloating and feeling too full. I’m not a purger, so once it’s in, I have to put up with the side effects. I’m not as ‘avoidant’ with the types of food I will eat, but am still consumed with not eating over X number of calories per day. Tracking food is something I tried to get away from, but I have to know carbs for insulin dosing, and protein for my kidneys. It’s very difficult to get in enough protein when I have to restrict the options because of gout.

    I’ve been trying to do the opposite of what my head says, and at times I can do that, but only with some types of food (single serving sizes are helpful). I’ve wanted to let myself have one meal a week or month when I just have what I want, but that hasn’t gone well for several reasons. The medical restrictions on food, only getting X amount of insulin per month, etc are hard to deal with when attempting to break some ‘head rules’ about food. The current “never restrict” goals of eating disorder recovery are hard for someone who has literally always been restricted (when I was a child) or my own active and passive restriction… For me, active restriction is when I relapse and passive restriction is eating how I did for my entire life, eating about one meal stretched over the day. For me, that was ‘normal’. And what I see in the mirror still doesn’t look like it deserves food, even though I’d give more to someone else, whether they were larger or smaller than I am.

    I am starting to understand that like dogs, birds, fish, or whatever family of animals, humans have different sizes and shapes that ‘just are’. There’s no ‘defect’, just natural differences. I’m not sure what my set-point weight is (natural weight without restriction) because I’ve never NOT restricted in some way (or been externally restricted). I’ve read or heard (YouTube) that it takes time and an extended period of not restricting to get to that place, so I’m nowhere near that since I’m still restricting to some degree with the fear of going over X number of calories that are below what the dietician I saw told me is ‘normal’ for my age, activity level, and body type. I will never be a greyhound. I’m more of a Labrador retriever. And I still have the urge to be a greyhound.

    I understand that repairing the damage I’ve done to myself over decades takes time and food. I know that I’ve gained muscle in my arms and legs, and that there is a difference in swelling if I don’t eat enough protein (hardest thing to get in with medical limitations). Some of that muscle gain is starting to atrophy a bit. I’m tired of most ‘safe’ protein sources, so there is a lot of forcing in of stuff just to get to the minimum, and honestly, I miss that mark many times a week. But I’m still trying. My heart rate is still wonky, and my blood pressure stays low normal unless I’ve taken trash out to the dumpster; then it goes to high normal for about 10 minutes. The higher blood pressure is probably better for my kidneys since poor perfusion is why they are damaged.

    Most days I don’t feel like anything will really work to get me rid of the restricting. I still feel worth less than I did 5 years ago when I relapsed, after 3 1/2 years with my former ‘therapist’. It’s hard to feel worth anything when I’ve felt worthless for decades, and I felt kicked to the curb by someone who had no interest in me getting well even though that was the sole purpose of that relationship. I also know it had nothing to do with me personally, I was just another failed patient because I was too broke to be worth the time to get well. I’m not alone there… lots of examples online, which helps in knowing it’s not about me, but also sad that so many have been left suffering more because of that relationship that fizzled out without the decency to finish what was started. I’m working on getting past that, which is hard, but it’s not like this is the first person to be a disappointment and something to recover from. I generally land on my feet, and thankfully am as independent as I can be within physical limitations. There is no limit to my emotional independence since that’s pretty much all I’ve known. So, while I’m broken, I’m not destroyed.

  • General Thoughts About Moving Forward After Ex-Therapist

    General Thoughts About Moving Forward After Ex-Therapist

    There were never any consistent “lessons” with Ex-T (ex-therapist)- I knew her basic beliefs about eating disorders, but that’s it. She mentioned the importance of what I tell myself about myself-and that the brain hangs on to all of that, but that was about the extent of it. I no longer support many of her views and methods. While there are some valid points about the ‘confirmed negativity’ in the minds of people with many types of psychological disorders, I think there is room for other influencing factors as well. She did deal with trauma, but with me it was only discussions of what happened- nothing about what to do with it.

    Some things Ex-T wrote in her book are thing I do still believe, but her “objectification” of criticism of what was going on with MY “therapy” turned into just ignoring it altogether. There was no discussion. I over-objectify a lot of things (even she said that I went too far with something that was just logical to me), but I will NOT objectify my right to emotional reactions, or how long it takes me to work through them. Only robots do that. Or sociopaths. People have emotions. They’re not good or bad- they just are.

    What someone does with emotional responses is another matter. Example- when I was raped, it changed my life permanently, BUT I also knew it had nothing to do with me as a human being. What happened was because of him, not me. And, I didn’t transfer my feelings about men to ALL men because of the CHOICES and torture by one man. I was gutted that day, but I still had some great male friends and coworkers that never triggered me after that rape.

    With Tabitha Farrar, there is a lot of focus on neural rewiring and HOW to do that (to be fair, Ex-T also believed strongly in this- but without the ‘how to’ part, at least with my 3 + years of going nowhere), . She has written one main book, and several smaller books on why it’s important to not give the brain any more ammunition to feed the eating disorder. What we all tell ourselves about ourself matters with mental health. Farrar also believes in the genetic component. Ex-T didn’t, at least when I mentioned it, she referred back to the term and beliefs SHE created. I do agree with her in that the feeling of worthlessness is a core feature of people with eating disorders (and other emotional issues). That’s what struck me most in that news program about her clinic back in the late 90s. I’d never heard someone who ‘got it’, and didn’t agree with the ‘control’ reason (control is shot fairy early on), fashion (most of us wear a lot of baggy stuff- not exactly runway material), or other superficial reasons.

    I have a STRONG genetic ‘link’ in my biological paternal aunt who was (and I think still is) anorexic since the 1960s. She supposedly developed late-onset schizophrenia, but I think she likely has damage from decades of malnutrition that doctors simply don’t assess for, or know what to do with when it’s an adult they’re diagnosing. Adult primary care MDs don’t get educated about eating disorders or the impact of malnutrition (that’s why they do dietary consult orders, or just ignore the issue altogether). In photos I’ve seen of my biological aunt in her later life, she was emotionally connected to and interacting with those around her in a way that I haven’t seen in schizophrenics (I worked psych and nursing homes that had schizophrenic patients). She’s still very petite. Remember, only %6 of those with eating disorders are noticeably underweight.

    At any rate, I wish I’d gone with Farrar’s books a lot sooner, and saved myself the psychological trauma of Ex-T. I have a lot of things to “un-do” from Ex-T’s orthorexic food ‘rules’ and cult-like manipulation and psychological control. I doubt I’m the only one of her patients to end up feeling like this when the real ‘wizard’ was finally seen after the curtain was pulled back, so to speak.

    In looking at the food list she sent me (after a year of promises to do so), it’s clear that she was restricting my food- and yes, I want to lose weight to be healthier, but every other CURRENT eating disorder content creator believes in lifting all non-medical food rules to get to ‘normal’. Not more restriction. I shouldn’t feel guilty for having Special K because of one ingredient that is in it, that isn’t consumed daily, and not in anything else I eat. It’s a great source of protein, and my options for protein are limited by gout and kidney disease.

    If I never have kefir again, I won’t be bothered. And it’s going to take a while to want yogurt or oatmeal again. Most things Ex-T suggested didn’t require teeth, and I think that’s because she worked with developmental stages (not a bad thing, unless it goes on too long and doesn’t involve fixing anything). A cracker was about as ‘toothy’ as it got.

    My dietician wanted me on nutritional supplements years ago, even being overweight, which solidified that my weight didn’t equate to being nourished. I still have trouble justifying feeding what I see in the mirror. I didn’t want supplements, but at least I know that IF I decide to use them, the dietician (Masters’ degree) supports that. She also supports having something now and then just because I like it. I’m not used to that… from long before Ex-T.

    With Ex-T, she wanted to control food- and initially, that was helpful since I was SO terrified. Just opening the fridge door would have me in tears (and she’d tell me about how she was cooking for ‘kids’- regardless of chronological age- at her house while I was white-knuckling it at home alone). More than 3 years later, I’m still very much about watching “the numbers”, especially macros, which I am stuck with to some degree with diabetes, gout, and kidney disease and their associated food limitations. But at some point, it felt like controlling what i ate was more about her having control over me– not helping me deal with seeing food as something beyond terrifying and very shameful. From a young age, food has always been associated with ‘worth’- and according to my mom, I shouldn’t even want to eat. She wanted a kid built like a toothpick… I am built more like a soda can. I’m trying to use that to help in my perception of why I have to eat. Different bodies = different needs. But we all deserve to fuel our lives… I’m just not good at that yet.