AtypicallyRecovering

Last year, I thought I’d be doing better than I am by this time. There have been more medical issues this year that derail eating, and have made keeping the NG tube in longer, just to get enough fluids in. Sometimes I also add a bottle of protein water if I’m low on that for the day. 

Tomorrow, I see a new pain doctor (actually a nurse practitioner, which is generally a good thing), and I am somewhat fearful. Pain is such a taboo topic, and yet I’m at the point that I can’t keep this level of pain up indefinitely. My right shoulder bicep tendon is either damaged or completely shot, so use of my right arm is pretty limited. The pain if I move something incorrectly is the kind where I see stars. 

I hope that I can get some kind of momentum going with the eating disorder recovery, because I’m losing patience with myself. I know it’s taken more than 54 years to get to this point, but I still expect myself to do better, even with no frame of reference for “normal” eating. I also hope to be drinking the full 2 liters before another year goes by- it’s been 18 months since I first put the NG in, and even though every one of my doctors has seen it, nobody has offered to help by prescribing the tubes and bags, so it’s all out of pocket on a disability income. For those shameless sods who think I inherited a fortune, they have no clue. 

My level of hope is overshadowed by pain, and at the same time, I don’t want to give up. I’m learning about food as if I’ve never seen the stuff before. For those people out there who have kids whose weight they are concerned about, never make it about appearance. Never do anything without medical oversight- or you could end up with a ‘child’ whose lifespan is shortened by endless complications from restricting food from childhood, that carries on into adulthood because of not knowing anything different. Focus on health. Looks come and go no matter what- but if someone loses their health, there really aren’t a lot of ways to get that back. Especially in a capitalistic healthcare model. Keeping citizens healthy doesn’t benefit those who profit from keeping people sick and dependent on medications or treatments.