AtypicallyRecovering

Photo from miascucina.com

I’m going to use the list in this article to go through specifics of how I was breadcrumbed…
https://www.enotalone.com/article/relationships/10-alarming-breadcrumbing-signs-you-shouldnt-ignore-now-r16587/

1. Inconsistent behavior.… at times, I heard from my ex-therapist regularly (especially early on, or when I’d tell her I was getting tired of doing therapy). Most of the time, it was a crapshoot. The contact was sort of a Russian roulette of mostly empty chambers. She’d be either hovering (especially at first, and some of that was appropriate because I wasn’t medically stable at all, for many months), or nowhere to be found.

2. Postponing dates– whether in having contact or her various projects (books being edited- though I was told that at least the first was to be published in late 2022, a website, seminars, etc) OR with phone calls. I never knew if/when I’d hear from her.

3. Playing the victim... either she was sick (like totaling many months over 3+ years), falling asleep, someone else said something about her that wasn’t to her liking, someone had an emergency and took up her time, when she had legal/court issues in another country it was all about everyone else (and I bought that for a while, but now ???), someone didn’t pay what they promised (I don’t know the other side to that story), ‘couldn’t just say no’ to an acutely ill patient that caused ME to lose therapy time, etc. I don’t even know how many are true at this point. I do know that the acutely ill newbie showed up within 2 weeks of her asking me to pay double for 6 months for more intensive therapy, and then she went MIA. When I asked about postponing my intensive therapy until X was more stable, she said she could do both when I finally heard from her. She did apologize for a couple of things (not about double charging me), but the last emails weren’t commented on or acknowledged at all when I finally cut loose. I wrote of facts mixed with how it was impacting me so negatively.

4. Late-night communication... I had no clue this was part of it. She almost exclusively called me at about midnight her time, or 5-6 p.m. my time, depending on what timezone she was in. She also messaged me very late my time when asking for money. I was generally up since I don’t sleep well. She said she called late because it was more peaceful, and had fewer interruptions. It also meant that she literally fell asleep on the phone many times (soft snoring doesn’t lie), or would fall asleep before calling, so I heard nothing.

5. Temporary change… if I emailed her about how the inconsistencies in contact were making it more difficult, and had me wanting to stop therapy, she’d get on board with “I want to talk to you every day.” for a little while. But she also chose words carefully… ‘want’ isn’t a commitment. It was something to check off of her to-do list to pacify me for a while. Classic breadcrumbing.

6. Vague messaging... neural rewiring is the point of eating disorder therapy, and messaging is critical. Her end of this involved the choice of wording of messages and conversations. It left her with a lot of loopholes to benefit her. If she said she’d call the next day at x o’clock ‘her time’, I had to think about what time it was where she was when she said it- but usually it didn’t matter much, because I was more likely not to hear from her at all until the next breadcrumbing occurred.

7. Lack of substance... she seemed to be invested, but I doubt everything now. When the money ran out, so did the frequency of the breadcrumbing, until I told her not to contact me. (She blamed it on being sick- which happened a lot). Then she started messaging me more often. Too little, too late. I’m slow to get upset, but when I do, and get to the point of nothing to lose, I will message that I’m done- and it’s not some middle school empty threat. I’m done. And I don’t know if I can believe anything that was said over the past 3+ years.

8. Multiple channels… WhatsApp and FB Messenger were the favorites, with a few brief email replies (generally expressing what she felt, not addressing my concerns at all). She also used Skype for a while, but we never did any video calls. Ever. She did with others.

9. Low self-esteem… it’s nearly universal among eating disorder patients that self-worth and self-esteem are in the crapper. She wrote a book on the exact topic after her early years treating eating disorders, starting with 2 close family members. But when someone says one thing, and does another that amplifies the feelings of self-worthlessness, it’s incredibly painful. If the Queen of Esteem doesn’t have the time of day for me, I must really be a complete jerk not worthy of anyone’s time. But she’d tell me she was off to fly to see patients in other countries… while I waited for a stupid phone call. Not helpful. And maybe she hoped I’d magic up more money for more contact. I can’t grow the green stuff out of nothing.

10. Not applicable, other than telling me personal details of someone else’s incest (NOT OK to tell me about another patient’s very personal history). But in my situation, she didn’t cross any boundaries in this area with anyone I know, or anything I’ve read about her. And, with everything else, I don’t know if that info was true- she was upset with that patient’s family member for another reason. Money.

What I’ve learned (thankfully) is this has nothing to do with me even though it’s had an impact on me temporarily. This is her shit. I do worry about those who think that she walks on water and buy into all of her love-bombing that really is never backed up with actions (that she defined but didn’t complete most of the time). I don’t know if she simply doesn’t know who she’s said what to, or if she is that busy – hard to tell. But what I do know is that it has been a damaging ‘relationship’, and reinforced many core issues of abandonment and self-worthlessness. I worry about the one still living with her and her family- and if that young woman knows that she’s likely being used for something as well.

I defended her many times when people online brought up the issues with one of the clinics she had. Now, I just want to warn people, but I have to be careful with names and locations, as much as I’d like to be more transparent. All I know is that I’m more likely to believe there is more truth to the stories online from a couple of decades ago than I ever thought I would consider believing. I wanted to believe the good. I was scared and desperate for help- and that made me a perfect target.

For online help (free on YouTube), I recommend Tabitha Farrar and Elisa Oras (they also have very helpful books). There are others who have recovered as well as actual therapists that post helpful videos (Katie Morton is a licensed therapist who covers many topics along with eating disorders). But do your own searching in the recovery community online to find what works for you. I’m early in this ‘solo’ thing, so will update resources as I find them.