AtypicallyRecovering

The mind and body are so interconnected that it can be incredulous. I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life, and with that has come PTSD and the tendency to be in fight or flight most of the time. It’s a lot worse when something or someone triggers it. The impact of that constant state of being ready for battle takes a toll.
https://www.advancedcounselingbozeman.com/blog/when-connection-hurts-understanding-toxic-relationships-and-their-impact?fbclid=IwY2xjawNXzc1leHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHlFCt6fUsuINkrap1I0_qYsmmg0G6b8jTbceDb–Gw4J3tevtILvqHn8hfZO_aem_AF1fsNuvqXwLPcNaJKjp3g

Since ending things with my ex-therapist (finally had to block her from being able to message me with more ‘breadcrumbs’), my blood sugars have gotten better (I’m a type 2 on insulin, and after 12 years of controlling blood sugars with diet alone I’ve been on insulin for 18 years). I’ve known about the impact of cortisol on blood sugars since nursing school in the early 80s, but it’s been quite noticeable over the past 6 months when things with therapy took a nosedive over one last request from my ex-therapist for more money (nope). A simple bowl of cornflakes, with milk and non-caloric natural sweetener would send my blood sugar into the 300s for hours during the time I was ‘waking up’ to the manipulation and psychological control methods being used against me. I have managed my insulin for decades, and I know that something emotional is involved when my usual dosing no longer works (and I’m not sick, or on steroids for a gout or SI joint flare up). The only other time it’s been that nuts was during chemo for acute promyelocytic leukemia. Otherwise, I’ve had it pretty well controlled since I was diagnosed in 1995. My body reacted to the ex-therapist like it reacted to the ‘threat’ from chemo, which does a number on the entire body. Not good.

I’ve also had multiple health issues in the last 6 months, requiring biopsies and an ongoing uncertainty about a large colon polyp that they couldn’t remove- and my inability to do double the prep for a repeat colonoscopy to get the polyp for biopsying. I already failed the Cologard test, and an MRI showed some abnormalities, so I know what I’m facing. The GI folks won’t budge on the 2 gallons over 2 days, when I couldn’t get one full gallon prep done. The pain was horrific because I don’t have normal stomach emptying, so nothing moved for about 7 hours, and that was getting close to when I had to start the second half of the prep. When I started the second half, it just went back up the feeding bag tubing when I moved around. I’ve had an NG for most of 3+ years because of not being able to get enough liquids in just by drinking. The ‘slow drip’ works better for me. Even with all of that going on, my blood sugars only went bonkers if something was going on with the ex-therapist (or she was MIA again, after dropping a few more breadcrumbs).

For those who didn’t see the article explaining breadcrumbing in another of my posts, here is more info- it’s possible in any type of relationship.
https://www.enotalone.com/article/relationships/10-alarming-breadcrumbing-signs-you-shouldnt-ignore-now-r16587/

ANYWAY, there have been ongoing issues with stress and the toll of being breadcrumbed. The questioning of my own reality and feeling worthless are the worst, but I’m aware now that none of this really had anything to do with me. This is about someone who has to use manipulation to maintain control. The toll on my body has been hard.
I was told to start increasing calories by my dietician, and i went about it too quickly (just wanted to get it over with), and I gained a lot of weight. My ex-therapist didn’t ‘get it’, and I think she thought I wasn’t being honest about what I was eating, even though I’ve always been a restrictor, not a binge eater- though some eating more than planned is very, very common in people who attempt to suppress their weight with restriction, because the body wants to live and protect its own interests.

But I also wonder if cortisol was an issue, because this was around the time when the ex-therapist started videoing material for a project that has yet to see the light of day, and I was hearing less from her, and being breadcrumbed more. She’d have inconsistent contact just enough to seem like things were OK, but in reality, I was essentially put on a shelf, and taken down only when it was convenient for her. She didn’t see messages for days (but I was supposed to message her about x, y, z). It will be interesting to see how my weight reacts to no more cortisol surges from emotional manipulation and stress from her. As someone with a restrictive eating disorder for 55+ years, starting when I was a young kid and it was imposed on me, weight has always been a painful topic, no matter my weight. I just hope things regain some balance.