AtypicallyRecovering

There were never any consistent “lessons” with Ex-T (ex-therapist)- I knew her basic beliefs about eating disorders, but that’s it. She mentioned the importance of what I tell myself about myself-and that the brain hangs on to all of that, but that was about the extent of it. I no longer support many of her views and methods. While there are some valid points about the ‘confirmed negativity’ in the minds of people with many types of psychological disorders, I think there is room for other influencing factors as well. She did deal with trauma, but with me it was only discussions of what happened- nothing about what to do with it.

Some things Ex-T wrote in her book are thing I do still believe, but her “objectification” of criticism of what was going on with MY “therapy” turned into just ignoring it altogether. There was no discussion. I over-objectify a lot of things (even she said that I went too far with something that was just logical to me), but I will NOT objectify my right to emotional reactions, or how long it takes me to work through them. Only robots do that. Or sociopaths. People have emotions. They’re not good or bad- they just are.

What someone does with emotional responses is another matter. Example- when I was raped, it changed my life permanently, BUT I also knew it had nothing to do with me as a human being. What happened was because of him, not me. And, I didn’t transfer my feelings about men to ALL men because of the CHOICES and torture by one man. I was gutted that day, but I still had some great male friends and coworkers that never triggered me after that rape.

With Tabitha Farrar, there is a lot of focus on neural rewiring and HOW to do that (to be fair, Ex-T also believed strongly in this- but without the ‘how to’ part, at least with my 3 + years of going nowhere), . She has written one main book, and several smaller books on why it’s important to not give the brain any more ammunition to feed the eating disorder. What we all tell ourselves about ourself matters with mental health. Farrar also believes in the genetic component. Ex-T didn’t, at least when I mentioned it, she referred back to the term and beliefs SHE created. I do agree with her in that the feeling of worthlessness is a core feature of people with eating disorders (and other emotional issues). That’s what struck me most in that news program about her clinic back in the late 90s. I’d never heard someone who ‘got it’, and didn’t agree with the ‘control’ reason (control is shot fairy early on), fashion (most of us wear a lot of baggy stuff- not exactly runway material), or other superficial reasons.

I have a STRONG genetic ‘link’ in my biological paternal aunt who was (and I think still is) anorexic since the 1960s. She supposedly developed late-onset schizophrenia, but I think she likely has damage from decades of malnutrition that doctors simply don’t assess for, or know what to do with when it’s an adult they’re diagnosing. Adult primary care MDs don’t get educated about eating disorders or the impact of malnutrition (that’s why they do dietary consult orders, or just ignore the issue altogether). In photos I’ve seen of my biological aunt in her later life, she was emotionally connected to and interacting with those around her in a way that I haven’t seen in schizophrenics (I worked psych and nursing homes that had schizophrenic patients). She’s still very petite. Remember, only %6 of those with eating disorders are noticeably underweight.

At any rate, I wish I’d gone with Farrar’s books a lot sooner, and saved myself the psychological trauma of Ex-T. I have a lot of things to “un-do” from Ex-T’s orthorexic food ‘rules’ and cult-like manipulation and psychological control. I doubt I’m the only one of her patients to end up feeling like this when the real ‘wizard’ was finally seen after the curtain was pulled back, so to speak.

In looking at the food list she sent me (after a year of promises to do so), it’s clear that she was restricting my food- and yes, I want to lose weight to be healthier, but every other CURRENT eating disorder content creator believes in lifting all non-medical food rules to get to ‘normal’. Not more restriction. I shouldn’t feel guilty for having Special K because of one ingredient that is in it, that isn’t consumed daily, and not in anything else I eat. It’s a great source of protein, and my options for protein are limited by gout and kidney disease.

If I never have kefir again, I won’t be bothered. And it’s going to take a while to want yogurt or oatmeal again. Most things Ex-T suggested didn’t require teeth, and I think that’s because she worked with developmental stages (not a bad thing, unless it goes on too long and doesn’t involve fixing anything). A cracker was about as ‘toothy’ as it got.

My dietician wanted me on nutritional supplements years ago, even being overweight, which solidified that my weight didn’t equate to being nourished. I still have trouble justifying feeding what I see in the mirror. I didn’t want supplements, but at least I know that IF I decide to use them, the dietician (Masters’ degree) supports that. She also supports having something now and then just because I like it. I’m not used to that… from long before Ex-T.

With Ex-T, she wanted to control food- and initially, that was helpful since I was SO terrified. Just opening the fridge door would have me in tears (and she’d tell me about how she was cooking for ‘kids’- regardless of chronological age- at her house while I was white-knuckling it at home alone). More than 3 years later, I’m still very much about watching “the numbers”, especially macros, which I am stuck with to some degree with diabetes, gout, and kidney disease and their associated food limitations. But at some point, it felt like controlling what i ate was more about her having control over me– not helping me deal with seeing food as something beyond terrifying and very shameful. From a young age, food has always been associated with ‘worth’- and according to my mom, I shouldn’t even want to eat. She wanted a kid built like a toothpick… I am built more like a soda can. I’m trying to use that to help in my perception of why I have to eat. Different bodies = different needs. But we all deserve to fuel our lives… I’m just not good at that yet.