AtypicallyRecovering

Photo: Mine, lychees

This is so hard. I’ve never known “normal” eating, and now have the Ex-T’s “food rules” to undo as well. The entire idea of restrictive eating disorder therapy to undo the restrictive eating disorder is NOT to have food rules (other than those I have to deal with for medical issues- diabetes, kidney disease, and gout). I just want my head to settle down, and not dictate what I eat, how much, when, etc. I’ve had periods of time when it was all less intense, but for the last 4 1/2 years, it’s been pretty constant- the longest continuous time in my life when I’ve been so controlled by ‘my head’ to this degree. I’ve been in acute renal failure/acute kidney injury twice because of not eating enough in those 4 1/2 years. I have to get this sorted out. I do have a dietician, and I’m thankful for her.

Every time I make a day’s food plan, it’s all about ‘the numbers’. I don’t eat things I like UNLESS they also fit into the days ‘numbers’. Macros (protein, carbs, fats), as well as sodium (can’t go too low or my BP drops which puts my kidneys at risk, and muscle cramping is horrific). If I spontaneously eat something different during the day that messes with those numbers, I have to redo the rest of the day so the ‘numbers’ are OK again. I’m trying to figure out how to just eat stuff without focusing on the stupid numbers as much, but it’s all I’ve known for 5+ decades.

My hunger cues have been messed up for a long time. For many years, I didn’t feel physical hunger, even though I thought about food constantly and still do. I am starting to feel physical hunger again, and it’s terrifying. I have images of me eating what I want until I feel full and ending up gaining even more unneeded weight. In reality, it doesn’t take much for me to feel full. But the fear is very real. I view myself as already grotesquely overweight, even though when I see TV shows about extremely obese peoples’ weight loss journeys I don’t judge them. I just wonder what hurt them so badly that they are hurting themselves so much. I know that sounds hypocritical. I KNOW all of this is bonkers. And, I can’t just flip a switch.

I want to set up a day when my blood sugars are more stable (parathyroid hormone is wonky right now, so insulin resistance is increased), and then just try and – for one day only (to minimize panic in my head)- eat what sounds good when I’m hungry, and not worry so much about anything that isn’t focused on getting me stronger. If I make it for only one day, I don’t have the pressure to do it for longer while giving myself the chance to see that it is possible. Then, I can do 2 days, etc. In the meantime, I’m trying to have one thing every day- even if it’s just 15 grams more of something, that is against what my head wants, which is eating close to nothing, although I’m eating ‘enough’ to keep kidney function stable at this point. I do get some reprieve because of the kidney situation, but it’s not all-encompassing. I HOPE that if I can get my eating more ‘normally’ that my kidneys will do better. I am not someone who would do dialysis if it came to that.

I have found that I do better if I can avoid sweet foods in the morning. I just don’t like them, so the past 3 1/2 years of being strongly encouraged to eat yogurt and berries, kefir, or oatmeal/porridge, and the horrible sweetness of those, have been miserable. I couldn’t find a savory oatmeal recipe that sounded edible. Scrambled eggs were/are allowed, but when my blood pressure isn’t stable, or I’m in a lot of pain, it’s hard to do a lot of stuff that requires prep and/or cooking. I much prefer something like cheese and crackers, and maybe some fruit that has a bit of tang, or even leftovers from another savory meal. Many countries have soups as ‘normal’ breakfasts, and that might also be a good thing to try.

Single serving items are also helpful, though I have to be careful with prices. For frozen entrees, I have several that are budget friendly and taste good, and only require being popped into the oven or microwave. Lean Cuisine has a lot of flavor options, and for a substantial treat, I’ll get Amy’s Kitchen or MichaelAngelo’s frozen single serve entrees. With some products, I can count out the portion size-and that’s doable. I do like the flavor of a lot of different ethnic foods, so that helps as well. I do have very specific dislikes, but those are easy enough to avoid.

It’s been good to be having more fresh fruits and vegetables, though with the prices in the US, most are a luxury. It helps to incorporate them into chickpea salads, or other food ‘stretching’ meals, and keep the frozen and some canned items for more ‘bulky’ vegetable servings. Lettuce is too expensive for what it provides, so most of my salads are what I’d put on a bed of greens. It cuts down on the volume without cutting down on the nutrition that comes from the chickpeas, peppers, onion, olives, cheese, and croutons. Doing seasonal grocery lists has been useful, as have some frozen options. I could have fruit and veg with Ex-T, but with the other stuff she wanted me to get in, volume tolerance was a problem. Now, I prefer to prioritize fruit and veggies more, and ‘fill in’ with protein, starches, and fats with an emphasis on nuts, olives, and the occasional avocado or premade single serving of guacamole. It’s still a challenge not to feel too full, but I’m making little steps.

Mostly, I need to quit freaking out about the numbers at the end of the day. I don’t let myself get to a calorie level that is too scary, and that’s still a problem. Calories should only be an issue in that I get enough to fuel my body for continued healing. Not that are restricted because it’s what the eating disorder wants.