AtypicallyRecovering

Photo- mine

It might sound weird to grieve for something that never happened. But I’d dreamed of getting well with someone who seemed to have figured out how to get the eating disorder voice to go quiet for good. She has helped a lot of people, but it seems that she loses interest quickly when the money runs out- even though she said she’d still keep me (after paying $32,700K USD- the agreed monthly amount before she accepted me). The calls petered out, and there was always an excuse. But what hurt the most is basically being blown off while I was still paying. I know that sounds stupid. I’m skeptical of a LOT normally. I’m not one to believe most people after so many violations of trust in my life, or taking advantage/targeting me because I want to be helpful or ‘good’ to others. But I felt I could trust her. I was very, very wrong.

The ongoing and lengthy absences with no warning, constant excuses (I don’t even know what things to believe are true or not), telling me other patients’ private information, and calls that never came just reinforced the feeling of worthlessness, with no acknowledgment of that whatsoever from her. When other patients did something she didn’t like, I was told by her that they were difficult or were somehow worth more of her time, when I did what I could not to cause problems. And that was a huge mistake. I needed squeaky wheels to be acknowledged- like she needed the patients to swarm to her for contact. I don’t do that 4th grade crap. This whole thing has been traumatic and painful. It’s hard when hope gets blown off by a person who is supposed to be a ‘last resort’. Her promises meant nothing.

I wanted the freedom to not think about food and losing weight that has haunted me since I was 6 years old. I wanted to be able to have something just because I like it- not because it’s specifically to fit into the macro numbers. I wanted my head to be ‘rewired’ so that I had a healthier relationship with food, so I could be more social with friends, and get my body repaired. It’s been through a lot.

But those dreams aren’t dead (they are with that therapist), and I still hope to get well via YouTube eating disorder recovery videos that all promote basically the same thing. Don’t restrict food. Period. Weight will even out when the body knows it’s going to get consistent food, and doesn’t have to hang on to calories for fear of not getting enough. I still have trouble with that because I’m not thin- but I have to try something, and with the numbers of people who have recovered with this method (intuitive eating and feast v famine mentality and body response), there has to be something to it. And aside from buying the books that Tabitha Farrar and Elisa Oras have written, it’s free. I also have my IRL dietician, who is very helpful, and knows I’m struggling. She also always responds to questions via email. If she’s out of the office, I get a notification that she’ll contact me when she’s back.

I am hoping I have the nerve to have a piece of birthday cake this year- kind of a celebration of being free from the psychological manipulation and control by someone who isn’t worthy of such power, as well as not doing what my head says about being too ‘bad’ to deserve a bit of cake. Little goals.