AtypicallyRecovering

Photo- mine (single footprint on dry riverbed in Kerrville, TX)

Something that helped me during my 1995 relapse was a gratitude journal, which sounded ridiculous at the time, but I gave it a shot. It was free (minus the notebook and pen), and couldn’t do any harm. I had nothing to lose. It started out fairly pathetically with “my socks match”, “the milk in the fridge doesn’t have chunks”, etc- but it built up into a log of 5 things per day (no repeats) for an entire year, and made a huge difference in how I viewed things. I had a LOT to be thankful for, even having been told I had about a month left to live if I didn’t get my act together. It also showed me how insignificant my ED was in the greater context of the world. It didn’t make it go away, but it gave me perspective, and for decades, I did OK ‘enough” with food. 

What we put into our heads stays in our heads. I can choose to look at what is left that’s good (living indoors, clothing, my late dogs’ photos to remind me of what love can feel like, etc), or I can focus on how miserable I am (and sometimes, it’s both).  But the overall ‘stuff’ I think about IS WHAT I BECOME. 

Rewiring our brains doesn’t just include what we think and do with food- but also how much negative we dwell on. It’s not a smooth path- lots of ups and downs, but the point is to look for the good, even in the bad. You can’t expect to have sweetness if you sit in vinegar.

Does that mean ignore feelings like pain, resentment, disappointment, etc? NO- it means being thankful for what good there is- and there IS good. If I CHOOSE not to believe it, then that’s on me. My family wasn’t perfect by a long shot (like everyone’s), but I’d give anything to have them back again. 

If I surround myself with negative people or dwell on painful things, what use is that? Yeah, everyone has a crap day/week/month/year (and trauma creates another layer of chaos to that), but even though I’ve been through, and am going through now, some doesn’t mean EVERYTHING is . 

My skating coach’s husband murdered their 6 kids when I was 14. It was a lot for a kid to deal with; I knew the oldest girl. I was brutally raped/beaten/etc  for 6 hours- but I wasn’t murdered as planned; police arrived after he passed out and I escaped, and one cop shot Numbnuts (my name for him) in my bedroom… I had to clean it up when my apartment was released as a crime scene (1987). He didn’t die, and I had to testify at the trial; he changed his plea after my testimony, and is still my bitch, on parole or back in prison until 2048. I was pregnant from the rape, and thankfully miscarried it- though I felt guilt because of those who miscarry wanted pregnancies. I survived leukemia that is often diagnosed at autopsy. I’m disabled and chronically ill with multiple ED and non-ED (many painful) diagnoses- but I’m not dead. I’m often frustrated and nearly always isolated- but I can still think and watch the Olympics (volunteer or work on a dementia unit for perspective). Every person on the planet has their own version of this.And that forms how they see things and how they react to others. 

Bottom line- I might not choose my circumstances, but ONLY I am responsible for my attitude. Nobody else can “make me” feel any particular way unless I let them. And I avoid negative people (not people going through rough times- and there’s a difference… up to a point). 

I don’t want to BE what I’d avoid.