Atypically Recovering

Photo: Mine

I’m not drowning, but I know there’s been a shift about getting back to an earlier weight that wasn’t my goal, but it’d ‘do’ for now. I gained a lot of muscle when I started pushing up calories back in 2023 (Autumn) after discussing it with my dietician and I went too fast. I wanted to get it over with, but I regained everything from that part of the relapse. This is the longest I’ve actively restricted (vs. my family’s ‘normal’ restriction) in my life. I relapsed 5 years ago this month after a medical procedure that left me somewhat exposed for the prep, and I was mortified (they did nothing wrong). Within 3 months, I lost 40 pounds and ended up in acute renal failure because of cutting out carbs too much, and gained it back while trying to get my kidneys in better shape, which I did. Then I lost 60 pounds, and regained that- so within 5 years, I’ve lost/gained/lost/gained 220 pounds… 100kg. That’s a LOT. I was with an ‘eating disorder expert’ for a lot of that last part. And, ended up in acute renal failure again.

It’s so frustrating to know that even with ‘help’, I ended up in worse shape. Yes, I gained a lot of unwanted muscle, which weighs more than fat. I am eating about 2x the roughly 600cals/day that I was for most of the weight loss phases. I understand that food is fuel. But I don’t understand why I’m still so messed up after so long actively trying to do better, other than that was the ‘norm’ I grew up with and have existed with for most of my life. I’m trying to learn normal wherever I can.

I remember watching an ‘Elzani’ YouTube video where her family had their usual Sunday roast chicken dinner. I was dumbstruck that they had 4-5 vegetables along with roast potatoes (a starch in diabetic world) at one meal ! I didn’t know people did that. I’m learning ‘normal’ by watching YouTube- go figure. I watch “Grackle” to watch someone without an eating disorder, and her family as they enjoy food for the sake of enjoyment. She’s naturally thin (whole family got stellar genes), and tries a lot of stuff. I also like trying things, but have noticed that my head is getting less tolerant, even if I only have 1-2 bites of a food deemed ‘bad’ or ‘unsafe’. IF I put something in the day’s food line-up that isn’t some kind of “eating disorder approved” fruit, veg, dairy, or starch AND it’s not the bare bones version of it, all of the numbers for the day still have to add up to a day without something ‘extra’… so it becomes not ‘extra‘.

My ex-therapist gave me a food list (eventually; during the first 6 months, she told me what to eat and how much) and it was more like some 1970s diet plan but with no measurements to speak of (to avoid the whole numbers thing, but I have to know carbs for insulin and protein for kidney disease limitations). A ‘tablespoon’ is actually a cooking spoon to the ex-therapist- but even that is too vague. There was also a gross beginning of the whole refeeding part, with more ‘developmental’ foods like oatmeal, applesauce, hummus, yogurt, and 2 kefirs/day. When I moved on to more types of food that required teeth (insert rolling eyes emoji), she told me to cut grapes in half so I didn’t choke, like I was 2 years old. There is validity to going over developmental ‘stalls’ to get back to more of a chronological age that is in sync with emotional development, but cutting up the grapes? My throat is still 60+ years old. I have swallowing issues, but not with grapes. Speech therapy taught me how to navigate that. It’s still hard to have anything she didn’t ‘approve’ when I know that what I’m choosing is fine, and I don’t have any of the issues involved with some food/food groups she ‘banned’ a much as possible within my budget, which is most definitely an issue on disability…(nightshades, non-organic stuff, etc; I live in the US- our food supply is not ‘high brow’ or safe enough for her rules to allow me %100 ‘clean’ food with a fixed income). I like several things in the nightshade family (potatoes, eggplant, red/orange/yellow bell peppers) and not having them limited my options. I’ve gotten over that rule.

I’m still working on remembering consistantly that everyone has a different type of body. Trying to shrink a miniature schnauzer into a teacup Yorkshire terrier is foolish to even consider- nobody would be able to justify starving the schnauzer to try and make it something it isn’t… but it’s what I’ve been doing (or had done to me) for 55+ years- and I’m still not a Yorkie, and never will be. Undoing that mindset is so difficult, even though logically I know it’s messed up. So, I don’t know what will happen next, other than I am still invested in keeping my kidneys functioning. I’ve caused a lot of permanent physical damage, and my go-to reaction to food is still keeping the ‘numbers’ OK as determined by my illogical eating disorder brain. If someone else was doing the same things I am, I’d see the problem for THEM, but not for me.