Atypically Recovering

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Because of some creepy stuff that showed up on Facebook, I decided to do a FB search of posts related to a specific last name, and found familiar first names who mentioned people I do know of with the last name I searched. I don’t know for sure if they’re the ‘right’ person by first name only, but I don’t know them, so I blocked a few people. Those blocked with that search were NOT associated with the horrible comments for violence. If any of them see stuff here, so be it. It’s viewable to anyone, though with 3 followers in over 5000 views, this is hardly a high profile blog – LOL. And that’s fine. This is my only ‘hotline’ when I’m overwhelmed or upset. It’s one place I can write, and whether anyone else sees it or not is irrelevant. Human beings have repeatedly proven their lack of trustworthiness in varying degrees (that’s in a broad sense, not isolated to one or two people or situations; I have a trauma warehouse in my head). I don’t have family here, and don’t discuss this with the few friends I have, since I’m essentially housebound, and eating disorders/trauma aren’t great conversation topics.

I also deleted some posts I’d done as a result of being so hurt. The info in those posts was true, but it also didn’t need to be posted. I crossed a line about someone crossing another line. I’d completely forgotten about the posts until I was looking for an old cover photo, and found them as I was going back through posts and photos. They came across as very vindictive, and that was not the purpose. I simply needed a place to vent how I’d felt dismissed and not worth the time to increase the odds for a better outcome for a known lethal risk to my life, with a simple phone call. That was discussed the day before, and I was to message when awake, and we’d talk about possible ways to make an impossible prep easier. Then I got a “check my schedule” when I messaged as instructed. No timeframe. I was gutted. It was all over with that last straw comment. It completely clarified my lack of worth, and caused me to question everything someone ever said to me. We didn’t speak that day, or ever again (last call was 9 Sept 2025, after she declined an SOS call I was given permission to do, and called back when she saw my message about what was going on). She offered a few times, but I’m not interested in setting myself up for more blown off phone calls- those were the norm a lot of the time.

In the disturbing posts, the poster called for prison time and various ‘ends’ to someone’s life (I immediately reported those to Facebook). While I’m no longer in contact with the person targeted, there is no time or place for such threats. I also don’t think that prison would serve any good purpose. I know about deaths in Portugal from an article and documentary, but don’t know the details, so can’t say what was good/bad/right/wrong. Many other former patients also died or killed themselves, but that was after leaving the clinic. Others relapsed and died years after the clinic closed. The ‘violent’ person had the name of someone that was very similar to another person I’d had brief contact with, and sent a message (same middle name w/added ‘e’, last name off by one letter, first name with the same sound with the first initial, same number of syllables). They said they were getting actual help, and I wished them well, and blocked them because I can’t trust anyone associated with ‘someone’. I’m guessing the interaction was passed on.

There were times when I truly enjoyed talking with someone, and hoped that I’d get through this relapse and find wellness. There were conversational phone calls at times that were quite nice, but I never learned how to get past my ‘head’. There’s a 40+ year history of other patients who have posted on various platforms about their lack of recovery with the same person I’d hoped would help me. Some of these I read about in a book by an investigative journalist on this person that I should have read before looking for them, and others I’ve seen online myself.

Were there helpful things over the years? Yes. There were, especially early on. The first six months were good. There were also things that no therapist should ever do ethically, and she did those things repeatedly (asking for money for personal and family reasons, telling me things about other patients and the request for secrecy when I was told – also not good, etc). But, evidently some people do get well if they’re deemed worth the time and can pay for consistent and useful help. That’s just as valid as my nightmare experience, with a fee that was agreed upon mutually prior to starting ‘help’.

I’m disabled and on a fixed income, so funds were/are limited. There is no universal healthcare. She knew I was selling my house before she accepted me as a patient. In one request for money for her “website” (never happened that I know of in spite of recording videos all day every day for a year, which also cut down on time to help me from late summer 2023- late 2024), I was told to “sell everything” I could to send her $1000 (I have the screenshot). When I didn’t do that, phone calls slowed to one a month, with no messages being seen for days on end, up to a week, and she wanted control over food again after more than 2 years of no food input. I’m not sure how it would work not to see messages or call, but control food. Made no sense. She begged me to stay another year (she knew money had run out, but kept asking), but nothing changed except for worse.

Those who heard of me when I was talked about to others living with her will know that I wasn’t known as a ‘problem’. (She asked permission to discuss me with those in the house, which I have since rescinded in an email, so discussing me at all is against my wishes at this point). For anything they hear about me now, I wonder does it add up? Have I been turned into a villain ? I’d expect to be viewed as someone hostile at this point based on how others were talked about to me when they disagreed, asked questions, and/or pointed out problems. It’s another pattern. Even under oath in court, she got ‘creative’. It’s in the online transcript of the court ruling. I don’t have that reputation. I wonder if those living with her have been asked to keep secrets, too. That’s emotional manipulation and not therapeutically ethical. It gives the tone of being special enough for secrets, but there’s nothing special about keeping secrets for a therapist figure. I finally told her that if it couldn’t be posted in Times Square, I didn’t want to know.

I didn’t get well. I felt given up on and disposed of, and intended or not, that was my experience. It would have been so much easier to just hear the truth, that things weren’t as either of us thought they were initially, and the deeper engrained mindset wasn’t going to be undone via WhatsApp ( I never even got a video call, for that important eye contact she mentioned in the first Skype audio call when I was too afraid to be seen ). She told me I’d needed 24 hour care, but “it was always the money” that kept her from bringing me to her, which validated that I wasn’t paying ‘enough’ to truly help. It would have been OK to say “You need more help than I can give.” That’s honest, and a valid reason for ending therapy, and she finally said something to that effect in an email months after I’d left. But that stops payment, and that’s all I ended up feeling like I was good for; there was no ‘unconditional love’… it’s all related to payment. Self-worth eradicated.

I’m losing weight again, so that’s very good. Shrinking seems to be the best way to cope with existing. That’s my therapy outcome. I’m not sure how long my kidneys will work ‘enough’, but none of that means much.

And I will continue to wish ‘someone’ well. THAT is who I AM.