Atypically Recovering

Photo: Mine -22 May 2025 (minutes after I let my sweet girl go in peace)

This week has been kind of weird, so I’m thankful for a day without triggers. I did have an appointment with a surgeon on Monday, but was able to chill out after that. I’ll have surgery in a month on multiple scalp cysts (again; this is the fourth time having more than one removed at a time). With dyautonomia, this time of year can be a minefield of chaos with temperatures going up. I don’t thermoregulate well, so higher temps usually mean I’m in for the duration (generally May-September). Too warm (over 65 degrees F) means I’m prone to passing out, so staying home is a safety thing. Now I’m arguing with an opinionated thermostat that keeps wanting to have the temp at 65F. I don’t need that chill, or the electric bill that will come with it. I can tolerate 66-67F indoors with residual cool from the air conditioner and no sunlight.

The first anniversary of my dog’s death was on Friday. She never knew me working, so we never spent a day or night apart, for over 12 years. She was my reason for existing, and only nearby ‘family’. I miss her so much, but she let me know it was time to be allowed to go in peace, and she did. She was in my arms, and knew I was there (though a bit dopey from pre-procedure sedation). She knew I was talking to her, and that’s what mattered. The three dogs I’ve had since living on my own all died in my arms, as hard as it was. I couldn’t let them think I just left them with the vet and didn’t care. It’s painful, but that’s love– being there for the hard stuff, not just when it’s convenient. She was the closest I’ve ever been to a living thing. She knew my every move (and followed me everywhere). The enthusiastic greeting I’d get when I came in the door, whether after an hour or two because of appointments or tests, or five minutes after taking out the trash, was always the same. I was her world and she was mine. I miss that, and know that I’m not physically or financially able to get another dog, especially with my apartment being a nightmare mess that is taking forever to get sorted out. She really deserves her own post, but I’m not sure i want to share much of her yet.

There were some SNAFUs with my tax payment (sent at the end of March), as well as coverage for my CPAP machine which left me unglued that day. It all got taken care of the next morning, but any unexpected chaos is never welcome. I sent an email to my ex-therapist that day, which I shouldn’t have done, though the interaction was benign. I just need to move on. She offered weekly phone calls, but I’ve heard the phone call plans before. I declined. I don’t want to set myself up for more missed calls, since she already put a caveat for why calls could be missed. So…. no thanks. More health issues for her per her, though a patient who let her know about this blog didn’t seem to know she’d been ill. She didn’t mention it when I sent her a message (she’d sent me a message one time many, many months ago that I’d sent a short reply in response). I hadn’t mentioned the blog. I guess some people get the well therapist, while I got the one with intermittent and chronic illnesses of all sorts that were the often reasons for many missed calls, over the nearly 4 years I’ve known her. I hope she’s OK, and wish her well. I’m just not needing someone who may or may not be there. I needed someone to help me get well and what I paid nearly $33K USD for, that was agreed on when i started. She said she wanted me as a friend. I wasn’t looking for that when I contacted her either. I’m not sure when that changed for her. She doesn’t call ‘friends’ when she says she will either, evidently. But we both left the door open, so if that ends up being the last contact, it was on decent terms.

Food continues to be a problem. I’m aiming for bare minimums to keep my kidneys working, and hoping that some leg muscle goes away because of how bulky my thighs are. I’m already disgusted by what I see in the mirror; protein just taxes my kidneys and makes me look like an even bigger sow. But taking away the previous minimums has calmed my head down, which makes life less internally antagonistic. I’m focused on carbs and enough calories to keep doctors happy. I should still lose weight. Minimum carbs are 150 grams/day, and then I pad the other 400-500 calories with healthy fats and a little protein. Nothing is forced or mandated otherwise.

I was notified that the male humanoid who raped/beat/sodomized me for 6 hours in 1987 was being considered for less supervision on parole. He hasn’t been out long this time, and had only been out on parole for 39 days when he attacked me. I told Texas that the next victim was on them. I’m done with spending time every 3 years (or less if he’s been out, screwed up, and went back to prison) telling them why someone who has offended ON parole every time he’s been ‘out’ since the 1970s shouldn’t be out.

Today is fairly quiet, which is nice. I’ll likely watch something on Netflix or YouTube later (no TV accessible). Typical night. I don’t sleep well at night, so find ways to stay occupied. Moving some things around or collecting trash slowly is also on the agenda. I can’t get much done at one time, so it’s all in bits and pieces as I can tolerate it. At least at night, it’s cool enough to function more safely.