AtypicallyRecovering

Image from general internet search.


I’ve been actively restricting for nearly 4 years- the longest stretch ever with ‘numbers’ ruling everything. That doesn’t include the food restriction in my house as a kid when I was bribed to lose weight when I wasn’t fat, at ages 6-7. My head is constantly giving me reasons not to eat. Or cut back on what I’m eating- or, God forbid, I get hungry ‘too early’ and eat something that wasn’t planned… gotta go adjust the day’s planned food to atone for the sin of eating while hungry. This has gone on for the entire time I was with my former therapist, and she knew it. She once told me she’d talk me through every bite if she had to…. yeah, right. Still waiting for those phone calls that never came so many times.

SO, I have to go another route. I can’t afford copays for anything ‘formal’ at this point. I do have my dietician, and she is very helpful, so that’s good. I’m thinking about going through Tabitha Farrar’s and Elisa Oras’ YouTube videos on recovery. Both have similar philosophies, and each has written at least one book to have as a reference. The basic premise is to do the opposite of what my head says, and listen to what my body needs. Not sure I’m clued in on that last part, but I do know that when I see what is in the mirror, it’s hard to justify feeding this body. I know logically that I have to (acute kidney failure twice in 4 years was because of cutting back too much on carbs). If I saw someone larger than myself, I wouldn’t withhold food from them.

Food has never been ‘safe’. There have been times when I haven’t paid as much attention to the numbers, but I rarely ate more than one meal spread throughout the day, not restricting types of food… just frequency and amounts. So, much of the past 3+ years has been spent just getting used to eating food multiple times a day, and in non-restrictive portions. And I’ve hated it. I don’t feel I deserve it. I want to be smaller, and after the “MIA” with the last therapist, I feel more and more like I need to ‘disappear’. Not helpful.

So, I’m still feeling that ‘stuck between the trapezes’ feeling I had with the former therapist, but now it’s because I’m not sure how to go about this other than to soak up as much USEFUL information as possible from those two YouTubers who have sound advice based on personal experience. I guess I need to make a list of fear foods. And eat. Without cutting something else out.