AtypicallyRecovering

Photo: mine

OK, so it’s time to start doing things to move forward. I won’t lie- I’m not even sure where to start, but I know that I have to come up with something that will work for me, and doesn’t seem forced (other than making sure I eat what I’m supposed to, but not be rigid). I have some guidelines from the dietician i’ve seen for many years that include the restrictions I have because of diabetes, gout, and chronic kidney disease (from hypo-perfusion- my blood pressure and heart rate during acute restriction didn’t ‘feed’ my kidneys). I have a number of other chronic medical conditions, but these are the ones I have to deal with in regards to food. It’s a pain in the butt, and does nothing to help me not be focused on ‘the numbers’. I’ve got ideas on what to work on, but I need to get some specific goals that aren’t overwhelming.

People talk about fear foods all of the time in eating disorder recovery videos, and my ‘thing’ is more about the fear of portion sizes. I’m willing to take a bite or two of a lot of things, but entire servings freak me out. At one point, during the relapse of 1995-1996, eating an egg was ‘bad’ because it was a ‘whole’ egg. IF I was asked if I’d eaten I’d think that I’d had enough if I tasted anything. One spoonful of something was ‘enough’. I know logically that isn’t right, and I’d never support someone else doing that. This all started when I was 6-7 years old, and my mom literally bribed me (with cash) to lose weight when I wasn’t remotely fat. I got the very clear message that eating wasn’t something to indulge in, and that eating more than one container of yogurt for a meal was gluttony. No crackers or fruit- just a cup of yogurt. It stuck. That was more than 5 decades ago. Yup… I’m bordering on ‘geezerhood’, and still dealing with a stupid restrictive eating disorder.

Ordering from delivery menus is a nightmare. It can take me 3-4 hours to decide on something, and by that time there’s a good chance that the restaurant will be closed. Then I fall back on protein bars or protein water via the NG tube I’ve had in for most of 3+ years in order to get enough fluid in for my kidneys to stay interested in functioning at all. I have a few places that aren’t too horrible, and the idea that someone else put the stuff together means I can’t screw it up, though it’s also terrifying not to know exactly what’s in restaurant food. If I can’t find the nutritional info, chances are, I’ll panic and move on. Individual frozen entrees are also helpful now… but it took about 2 years to be able to eat those.

I think that instead of fear foods, I need to look at fear ‘situations’. Like if I order something without looking at the nutritional content (except for carbs to know insulin dose, grams of protein so I don’t go over my limit, or type of protein so gout doesn’t flare up). To be able to order something just because I like it has become completely foreign. I am so into numbers fitting into the food log that I don’t bother with just wanting something. That needs to change. I can finagle the amounts to avoid any health issues. To order something because it is something I either want to try or used to eat now and then would be a big step. Even if it’s just adding it to my grocery list- it doesn’t have to be delivery food.

Something else I need to work on is not panicking when I feel physical hunger. I hadn’t felt it for a LONG time (I’m talking at least 12-15 years), and it’s coming back. Not amused… but I also know that my body is trying to work again, and it’s supposed to work out that if I feel hungry, I eat. Sounds simple to most folks. That is another nightmare situation. I’m terrified I’ll just keep eating, and I have legitimate weight to lose. I’m not a candidate for a reality show, but I’d feel better with less on me. My joints are a mess, and it’d help with pain if I dropped weight. But I have to do it in a way that doesn’t mess me up more.

There’s also mental hunger, which has been around for a long time, and I very rarely give in to it. But it’s a survival thing- the brain is focusing attention on what the body needs after periods of restriction (this latest more intense restrictive period has gone on for about 4 1/2 years- the longest yet). The preoccupation with food was also seen in the Minnesota Starvation Study after WWII, when Dr. Ancel Keyes studied the impact of restricting food in otherwise healthy conscientious objectors (who wanted to contribute something). They all became fixated on food. They didn’t have eating disorders… they had a deficit of calories and nutrition. So, I need to figure out how to deal with that in a way that doesn’t make me more freaked out.

I know where I need to change things. Now I just need to start doing something. I need to move forward.