AtypicallyRecovering

Photo- mine.

Being a freshman at a good state university was overwhelming, and made so much worse by my deteriorating physical and mental health.
I was also a fairly good student back in my high school, with many college prep and advanced placement classes that I was used to, so the classes weren’t too advanced when I got to college. I loved walking around campus, even though I was getting weaker and much sicker. But I was glad for the experience of dorm life.

I was taking 40 laxatives/day (10 for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and before bed). I knew every bathroom in any building I had to walk into. Diet soda was my main source of fluids. During the week, I didn’t eat more than an apple or 1/2 of a baked potato when I had to make an appearance at meals. I ran the 12 flights up to my dorm room after ‘dinner’ (I could get by not eating breakfast or lunch because of everyone’s different class schedules). I had PE at 8 a.m. several mornings a week, and it was a ‘self-study’ exercise plan, so I jogged to attendance, and then back to the dorm for a shower. At the end of the semester, I ran 2 1/4 miles in 12 minutes- and I’m not sure how I actually did it physically.

My roommate moved out because I was too quiet. I also didn’t sleep much, and would watch one star go across the sky outside of my window, while listening to mellow music on the radio.

I saw the therapist every week, and I’m not sure that poor woman ever heard me say more than “I don’t know” to every question, and I wasn’t trying to be a smart ass- I was truly baffled by what I was supposed to be telling her. I had to drop my class hours down to 12 (dad was not happy- he was paying for 4 years, not some marathon of classes for more than that) because I just couldn’t keep up. I ended up on academic probation because of being so weak, and struggling with cognitive function. But I couldn’t see the physical changes. I still felt too fat.

On weekends, I’d binge. It was typical to have a pint of ice cream, a bag of chips, chip dip, cheese, cookies, chocolate, ramen, and sometimes picking the cheese off of discarded pizza boxes in the trash room after everybody was in their room for the night (usually around 2 a.m.), to avoid getting caught. My diet soda was a lifeline, and I didn’t want anyone taking it, so I labeled it with “herpes” in the floor fridge that held 2 liter bottles. I could only fit 16 oz bottles in the dorm fridge. Nobody touched it. It wasn’t true about the herpes, but I always had my soda.

My mom arranged for the food service folks to make me a birthday cake big enough for the entire dorm floor (80 girls? Guys had the adjacent tower). The cake was HUGE. I was terrified. It also angered me, which was a really crappy response to my mom wanting to make sure I had a cake for my birthday.

My ability to concentrate on homework was shot. I got a D in history (hated history back then), and for the first time in my life, I was not doing well academically. I passed out regularly, and was carried down the stairs to the floor with the elevator (and stretcher) more than a few times. It always made me cringe to have one guy pick me up- I thought it would take at least 2-3 firemen to carry my perceived fat ass. But looking back at old photos I was too thin for my body type. I asked a dorm neighbor if the leotard and sweatpants I was going to wear to go skating made me look fat. Her answer ” I can count your ribs”.

I became very depressed by the effects of starvation, and spent a lot of time in weird places- the top of the stairs that led to the roof (nothing else was up there, so seemed like a good place to hide), or I didn’t leave my room for anything but classes- nothing social. I was sexually abused in the dorm lobby while others watched, by a guy who was determined to go out with me. His approach sucked (it wasn’t ‘major’ but made an impact). I had to meet with the resident director every week as well, so she could keep track of where I was on the roller coaster of chaos. By the break for Winter/Christmas, I was making plans to end my life. I’ve never had that kind of depression unless malnutrition and starvation were involved.

I lasted for that first semester (not sure how), with many trips to the health center, dietitians, therapist, MDs, etc… the second semester was a short one.

More on that next time.