AtypicallyRecovering

Photo- mine

I’ve written about it taking nearly 3 years before I ended therapy with my online eating disorder therapist AFTER I felt something ‘off’. It’s been so difficult to leave- partly because I’m out $33K USD, and am not much better off than I was when I started- so hoped I could still eek something out of ‘therapy’. The other part of it is that this has been kind of like an indoctrination, along with some Stockholm Syndrome-like reactions (not full-blown, but being sucked into the drama). It’s sort of like how I imagine grooming in a cult or sex-trafficking. It’s not all at once, and when it’s happening, it doesn’t seem that problematic. But it’s a calculated form of manipulation that is often used to make future exploitation easier, and to get psychological control.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22387-stockholm-syndrome

https://neurolaunch.com/emotional-grooming/

Everything started out feeling acceptable, and I felt accepted. There were lots of terms of endearment, and even a nickname she’d use with me. The interactions at first were focused on refeeding safely (even when overweight, it’s possible to have potentially life-threatening complications when eating resumes). I was in contact with the therapist a few times a day for a while, so she could let me know what to eat next, and see where I was with everything. It got a bit more complicated when I ended up with a concussion, and slept for about a week. But for the first 5-6 months, there weren’t any red flags. That’s the basis for being able to BE groomed. It’s got to seem within normal boundaries, and there has to be ‘enough’ trust. I wanted to believe that she was good.

During those earlier months, I did go from eating nothing for about a week prior to officially starting therapy (food is first with recovery, obviously), after having been doing tube feeding – either supplements or nearly all nutrition- via NG tube (tube from nose to stomach- do NOT try to do that if you’re not trained- or you can literally drown with whatever is in the feeding bag). Before therapy started, I’d restricted down to about 500 calories a day, and ended up in acute renal failure. Eventually, I was eating some solid foods- mostly yogurt, oatmeal, hummus, a few crackers, kefir, and eventually some fruits and veggies, as well as fish (until gout reared its ugly head). And, it also became obvious rather quickly that I’d never known ‘normal’ with food, and this was basically who I thought I was- I couldn’t separate the eating disorder ‘voice’ (like loud thoughts) from myself. Things were more ‘stuck’ than I imagined. And I hated having to eat as much as I was told to, even though the portions weren’t excessive. They just were sent to a stomach that had been in retirement for decades.

Then I was asked if I could pay double for more intensive therapy for 6 months. I was hoping that would shave time off of the back end of therapy, so I agreed. Within 2 weeks of that, I couldn’t reach my therapist at all. I think it was about 10 days before I reached another patient that I was in contact with as a supplementary support person. She told me that a “kid” (everyone is a ‘kid’ which reinforces the authority of the therapist) from Oceania had shown up at the airport, weighing about 64 pounds, and my therapist was tied up with him at restaurants getting him to eat. I was never notified by my therapist until a couple of weeks later- and it’s hard for me to believe that he just showed up with his mom, from another hemisphere, and it wasn’t planned. I think she knew he was coming when she asked me for double the therapy fee.

That’s when the “not right” feeling started. I also didn’t need to know his weight- I wanted to be underweight. I understood logically that he needed more intense help, since I understood triage as a RN. But to ask for double the money, for no contact for a couple of weeks, and then a bit more contact for a while, before going back to erratic calls. She said she’d call more often than she actually did. I even asked if we should postpone the intensive time (that went to the skinny guy), and was told no- she could handle both. Not the case. I basically felt like I’d been shoved into a dark corner, and only brought into light when it was convenient. The ‘intensive’ was an intensive drain on my bank account, but I still wanted to get well so badly. Being terrified and desperate makes for poor decisions on my part. I cried a LOT every time I sent in a payment, having to decide if a bit of contact was better than no contact. (Hindsight: NO).

Things settled into an “irregular regular” set up. I knew that phone calls may or may not come, so I stopped putting off laundry, taking out the trash, getting the mail, taking a shower, getting groceries delivered, etc so I wouldn’t miss calls. Food was still very difficult to manage on my own, so hearing that 2 “kids” living with her were getting stuff handed to them multiple times a day while I was in tears every time I opened the fridge door was more than difficult. It felt like rubbing my face in not having more money to ‘deserve’ more contact. In the beginning, she agreed to the price for one call/week and the ability to email or message 24/7. I’m not the sort to want to contact someone when i know they’re busy, and she knew that. Later, she told me when she was flying to different countries to ‘see kids’ when I was waiting for a stupid phone call. It was more than painful. And yet, there was enough to still think she was at least still a little bit invested in helping me. She had me hooked on her bait of empty promises.

My therapist then moved from one continent to another, and during that time, we had some contact, and I still had contact with the other patient. Once settled in the next country, calls were happening, but there wasn’t much substance to a lot of them. I started to feel a bit like I was the comic relief for the therapist’s benefit. We did a few actual therapy sessions, but I don’t remember anything that made a difference as far as getting better. That’s all I wanted- was to get better. Not have an international buddy.

There was always some reason for missed calls…. sick (that was frequent), fell asleep, emergency, migraine, etc. ALWAYS some excuse. OR she’d fall asleep when she was on the phone with me. I asked her repeatedly NOT to tell me she was going to call until she was ready to talk. One night (she liked calling me later when everyone else was asleep), she told me she’d call in 15 minutes, and couldn’t manage to stay awake for that. Then DON’T TELL ME there’s going to be a call that ends up triggering more “not worth the time” stuff.

Sure, she asked how I was- and she was very good at listening, which kept things feeling like they were “normal” therapy…. except when the calls not made exceeded the ones that actually were made. There were times when some emergency call would come in that she had to take, so I was the one who felt shorted out by contact going to someone else AGAIN. For a therapy that is supposed to build self-worth, not even having a phone call made when others were living with her, or with whom she visited in other countries, was a big blow to any self-worth. I was already running on fumes in this department.

When the ex-therapist started recording her next book, that took her out of commission for about a year. I did hear from her “enough” to seem like things COULD still move forward, but I was having more doubts. Again, the ‘crumbs’ of contact kept me engaged while allowing her to do other things. But I knew if she’d seen messages or not, and days could go by when that ‘lifeline’ wasn’t being monitored- or she just blew me off. I’ll never know what was true about anything she ever said to me… because that’s part of the whole mess. Confusion. Inconsistency. Hot/cold contact. No response to really rough times.

During the “good” times, I really enjoyed the phone calls, and kept wondering when the therapy part started. There were some humorous times. But gradually, the calls decreased more, until I heard from her more when she wanted money for a family member or herself, or a quick check-in when it was convenient for her. When I ever mentioned not wanting to keep going with therapy, I got the “you’re not capable of making that decision at this point”…. uh, lady- if a doctor hasn’t declared me incompetent, I can make any damn decision about my health that I want to make… I just wish I’d had the strength back then to get out.

When I’d run out of money that I set aside for therapy, I told her 3 months before I’d be stopping because of using up the money I’d allotted for therapy, and she said she would still continue therapy, even if I couldn’t afford it. But the grossly inappropriate requests for money continued. I said no a few times, and with one situation, she messaged me to sell everything I could to get her $1000 to “invest” in her website. She has had multiple deadlines for the ‘website’, and I don’t gamble like that. I can’t afford to. I don’t have the energy to sell stuff if I wanted to. I’ve never gotten back to ‘normal activities’. I never got off of activity restriction from the beginning of therapy, though I’ve been able to increase it somewhat. For a therapist to ask for money from a patient for anything but the agreed upon therapy fee is a huge red flag to run like hell… but that isn’t what ‘did it’ as far as totally cutting her out of my life. And I don’t even know if there is a website or other books… on an old blog site, she was working on the book since 2013. I don’t know what to believe.

In April of 2025, I had some potentially lethal medical issues come up, that eventually involved a biopsy under general anesthesia, and later a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy for more biopsies. My dog was also very ill and was put to sleep on May 22- my only daily contact with a living thing for the previous 12+ years was gone. Then, after doing what she said I could do if things were seriously wrong ( message her, and if I didn’t hear back in 15 min, go ahead and call), I had the call declined, and a message “I’ll call you in an hour IF POSSIBLE”…. what the hell? I understood not being able to get off the phone (though she did when others had emergencies and she was on the phone with me). I didn’t contact her for urgent calls often AT ALL (maybe 2 times in over 3 years). I still don’t know if that polyp is cancerous yet. I can’t deal with the prep volume they’ve doubled, and they won’t work with me at all with that, so I guess I know how I’ll croak.

Then, I messaged her later that they wanted to do a 2nd colonoscopy with twice the prep over 2 days when I couldn’t get one dose down for the first one. I was in tears, knowing I had to make a life/death decision. She called right away, and said we’d talk the next day about ways to minimize the volume intolerance of a gallon of prep spread over a specific time period. The next day, I never got a call. Or for many, many days after that. Between September 10th and October 3rd (30 min voice call), there was no contact. Then on October 10th or 11th, she wanted to talk to me. I asked why, and she said it was important to both of us. She wanted to tell me she had COVID (one of 120 in the town of 62K where she said she was living). That could have been said in a message.

She knew I’d flunked the colon cancer screening (Cologuard), had an abnormal MRI related to my colon, and they’d found a large polyp (‘with more possible’ on the report) but couldn’t remove it for what they called an incomplete prep. The message about calling me “IF POSSIBLE”, and then no call were the final straw. The message was crystal clear: I didn’t warrant a reply to an SOS message and call. I was done. I’d already emailed her in mid September 2025 about the problems on my end, and no reply until I called her out on it, and got the reply of “I wrote back. I love you.”. THAT was the reply. To about 2 1/2 pages of emails. She addressed none of the things that I was having issues with re: therapy.

I don’t know if I can believe a damn thing she ever said, or that she saw me as more than some drained-dry ATM/cash machine. Before accepting me she knew I was selling my house (auctioned, and got a fraction of what it was worth; medical issues made that the least draining physically). That was NOT her money to tap into, and telling me to sell things was way out of line. If she’d been in the US with a licensing board, I would have reported her.

My feeling is that she’s used to patients acting like some supernatural being is in their presence when she’s around, when she’s actually looking for a payday from patients or their families. I don’t beg anyone for contact- either they have the integrity to do what they say, or they don’t. So, when I saw the article on breadcrumbing, I knew what I was dealing with- a form of emotional manipulation that was never going to change for the better. I think she’s used to getting away with “any contact is better than no contact”, but I don’t play those exploitative and manipulative games. I told her I wouldn’t lie to her and I never did. I wish I knew that she never lied to me, but I think a lot of what she said was bullshit. Her first book even talks about finding things to build someone up- true or not (that’s paraphrased, obviously- I won’t link her first book here). The “I wish I’d been your mother”, “you’re like a daughter to me”, and other quasi-comforting catch phrases all feel like things I want to rid myself of. She also talked about “saving your life”, like if I didn’t get help from her, I was doomed. Um… no. IF anything she’s made my life worse. It pains me to say that.

I wanted to believe in the person I saw on TV years ago. I wanted to believe that someone who knew that eating disorders aren’t about control, fashion, models, or other superficial nonsense. What I got was more painful than if I’d never contacted her. I should have done what I’m doing now- sticking with my dietician, and YouTube folks who have recovered by not restricting. It’s not easy, but at least I don’t have to wonder if the phone will ring, or if I’ll be stood up again.

But when I’ve had it, and it’s no longer even remotely healthy to maintain contact, I’m done. I’d sent the emails about issues with therapy and got no reply a month before the last contact. And then I blocked her from the contact platforms that I could. I wish her and her family well… and well away from me. I’d hoped so much that this would have turned out differently. But when I am not worth more than blown off calls or “I’ll call if possible”- yeah, that’s a line in the sand when I’m literally writing “SOS” on the message.