AtypicallyRecovering

Photo- mine (and blurry)

My dietician asked me something today, and I hadn’t even realized that I’ve been doing it for about 6-8 months. She asked if I still freaked out about having to eat X, Y, or Z, but knew that I needed to do it because it was the healthy thing to do. Yup. I do !! I AM thinking differently. I think the YouTube videos are sinking in, at least “enough” to make a difference. I knew I’d been able to put enough in a bowl to get food in- but not paid attention to my thinking around it. It has been just a chore to get done. But there is the focus on not letting carbs drop too much to strain kidneys.

Since Ex-T has been MIA for nearly all of the last 5 months (and sketchy consistency before then x 2+ years), I know it has nothing to do with her. I still have trouble ‘feeding’ that thing I see in the mirror, but I know that to keep my kidneys from going into acute failure again, I have to get minimums in of protein, carbs, and fat. That’s the ‘loophole’ in my head – keeping my kidneys going. And Ex-T’s absence and lack of phone calls actually made has forced me to figure it out on my own when I’m in the moment. She tended to want people to come to her and ask for more contact, and I’m not into that- either do what is discussed, or quit saying that any phone call is coming. SO, her absence has made me stronger.

I’m still stuck when it comes to eating something because it sounds good, but I can consistently get the macros in, even if the assortment is a bit odd (breakfast tomorrow- cheese, crackers, strawberries). While I still fear gaining weight, and don’t enjoy eating or food prep, I’m still getting it done. And my weight has been stable since regaining what I’d lost, and is going down slowly again. I am wanting to lose quite a bit of weight, but I don’t want to go backwards. This has been hell to get to this point, and I’m nowhere near comfortable with food sitting in me.

Body composition has also changed for the better. I used to have visible tendons behind my knees from muscle atrophy- which is why I have a wheelchair for larger areas. The tendons aren’t visible (not thrilled with that if I’m honest, but at the same time, I know that muscle atrophy isn’t good). My right bicep and both calf muscles were essentially gone. They’re back, though I still have too much fat. I have little bits of hair on my arms for the first time since it all fell out during chemo in 2010. Protein has been an issue for decades d/t prep and cooking time, and the changes in how much muscle has grown back is noticeable. I’ve never eaten this much protein for this long in my life (60 grams/day per kidney disease limits).

It took me until tonight to realize what that question (and answer) meant in the overall picture of recovering. I’ve got a toehold now ! I don’t cry when I open the fridge door and have to choose something. There are days when I really don’t want food, but I make something happen, even if it’s just snacky stuff or a protein bar. My dietician talked about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (not allowed when I was a kid) because of limited protein options, quick/easy prep, and the healthy fats in peanut butter. Even 4-5 months ago, I would have freaked, but I think it’s OK to try. I know I like them, and especially with Aldi, they are very affordable which is huge now. It’s all about how i portion it.

I’m pretty pleased with this and at the same time, it’s scary. Getting ‘too’ comfortable with food is still a threat in my head. I still manipulate the numbers so I don’t go over my ‘quotas’. If I eat something unplanned, I redo the rest of the day’s food plan. BUT, at least there is a shift towards the good, and getting well. That is the most encouraging thing that’s gone on in 3 1/2 years. .