AtypicallyRecovering

Photo- mine

Birthdays (or any holiday or gatherings around food) are painful for people with eating disorders. I’d hoped to do better this year, but fell short. The ‘plan’ was to order something I wanted without regards to the nutritional information (calories and macros in particular), but it didn’t quite turn out as I planned.

I did manage to get a 5″ cake, but it tasted of the phony ingredients in the sprinkles, so it was disappointing. I did eat about a cupcake’s worth of it. I got a side order of Popeye’s Red Beans & Rice, which I did get down, along with a biscuit. Then things went sideways. I wanted to have a single burger from Culver’s, and onion rings, but when I put those into my food tracker, I freaked out at the total “numbers”, even though I was below my eventual calorie range. It was too much of a jump from where I’ve been.

This goes on with holidays as well. I’ve got a friend who always invites me to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter meals with her family, and has for years. I have a lot of reasons for not going that don’t involve my panic at eating around other people, or other eating disorder freak out triggers. The dysautonomia makes temperature regulation away from home difficult, and requires that I have an ice vest and extra inserts (so another big bag to lug around). My stomach also reacts to hot food, and that can be rough away from home if it sends the meal careening towards the ‘back door’ in a hurry, which isn’t great at someone else’s home where more people will be using the same bathroom. And hot food can trigger a full blown autonomic ‘episode’ where I end up passed out from my BP dropping too low. I also can’t have various foods in ‘normal’ amounts because of diabetes and kidney disease, or much animal ‘flesh’ protein because of gout. I don’t like a lot of holiday food (pumpkin pie, sweet potatoes, cooked carrots, etc). So, I suck at being a guest. I don’t like to stick out as some weirdo.

The eating disorder is also a factor. I feel too fat to eat around other people, even though I think nothing of someone larger than I am (or smaller) eating whatever they want. It’s a holiday- have fun ! Eat the goodies ! But not me. My eating disorder ‘voice’ tells me that when I’m small enough, THEN I’ll ‘deserve’ to enjoy food– not just put something in to make the “numbers” look good. I haven’t eaten around anyone (and that was in the car after initial COVID vaccines) since 2021. I haven’t eaten IN a restaurant since 2017, and that was with my uncle. I know nobody is paying attention to what I’m doing when they’re out having a nice time, but I still feel like what I see in the mirror isn’t deserving of food. Not knowing the exact nutritional information is also hard- some of that is necessary for insulin dosing and not exceeding daily protein amounts, but some is just panic.

I want to be able to just enjoy a holiday like a ‘normal’ person, but I haven’t been to a holiday dinner with family or friends since about 2002. I would go after meals and hang out for a while, but always skipped the food, using the dysautonomia as an excuse (and it is a valid one), But the food part is what scared me more. I grew up going to big family Swedish Christmas Eve parties, and love those memories. I try to get some of those foods to have at home, alone.

Birthday is a wrap, so on to what to do about Thanksgiving. I’m thinking about doing a Cornish game hen- small enough not to be intimidating, as well as not having as much waste because i can’t eat a lot of it (I can freeze the extra). Maybe some stuffing. I WANT to eat that. I hope I do better in a few weeks. I am determined to get well. It’s just slow going, with trial and error. I don’t feel like I necessarily failed today- but I do think I’m learning how to minimize panic, while eating things that are still scary. The cake may have sucked, but I still ate it. Next time, I’ll get something different. Live and learn.