Atypical Anorexia Recovery

Photo: Mine

For something that most people never think about, food is a ‘threat’ in my head. I know it’s irrational, and I know how I’d tell someone else to view food, weight, etc- but in my head, the rules for me are different. A lot of this likely started when I was bribed to lose weight as a 6-7 year old, with literal cash for each pound lost …. I wasn’t remotely fat. I don’t believe it was malicious, but it was very damaging. My mom wanted a child who looked like kids at church who simply had different body types. I am much more like a labrador retriever than a greyhound, and trying to ‘shape shift’ me became a part of my thinking that is automatic. I want so much to change that, and have for more than 45 years.

My parents were very focused on weight and looks the entirety of my memories. I can remember the floor plan of the duplex we lived in when I was 2-3 years old, so I remember a lot (creeped out my dad). Mom was always on a diet. Dad would eat nothing but yogurt and bananas if his pants felt a bit snug. There were no snacks in the house. No desserts unless it was someone’s birthday. There was nothing in the pantry aside from some soup and cereal. The spices had purple inked prices stamped on the boxes or tins from the 60s (after I moved back home, I saw the same kind at an antique mall). I was taken to some weird womens’ workout place with those butt jiggling bands that vibrated, while my mom did her quota of butt shaking. It was all I was exposed to about food, other than holidays or school lunches for the 2 years I attended public school where neither of my parents worked.

I feel ashamed that I feed this thing I see in the mirror. And at the same time, I know that my head is lying to me. If I saw someone much larger than I am eating X kind or amounts of food, it wouldn’t even register. When I’ve watched “600 Pound Life”, I see those morbidly obese people eating huge amounts of food, and my first thought is wondering what hurt them so badly that they are destroying themselves. Not judgement like I do to myself for simply eating a ‘normal’ meal without knowing every calorie and grams of macronutrients. I have to watch carbs and proteins because of health reasons, but otherwise, I WANT to be able to “just eat” without shame. I’ve tried to ‘let’ myself eat what I want for just one day, without limits on what (need to limit quantity on some things for insulin and kidney reasons), and I haven’t been able to do it.

My head is no different than it was when I was diagnosed with anorexia at age 17, days before classes started at a good state university. I used to count curds of cottage cheese, and allowed myself 3 curds, and not the biggest ones in the container. I have gotten better about portions, but my head still tallies up calories (and I log them to have some kind of accountability, as well as knowing I’m getting minimums in- or at least close to what I’m supposed to eat). But I have never known normal eating. I’ve read that it’s about enjoyment as well as nutrition- two things that were never part of the equation in my life. I’m trying to change that, and it’s like putting me in the middle of China and expecting me to be able to use one of their computers without knowing the language at all.

I’m in my early 60s, with decades of direct and indirect chronic medical issues related to malnutrition and lifelong restriction of food. I’m getting things from the grocery store to challenge myself, and am so ashamed to have ‘junk food’ because I don’t “look” like I need food. I have been able to get single serving sizes of some foods that have ‘OK numbers’ and I am so acutely aware of how much I’m stressed by deviating from the usual stripped down options I generally eat. One meal stretched over the entire day is what I’ve had for most of my life. When I’ve been in hospitals, treatment centers, or in public where i need to look normal around food, I’ve eaten more- and then compensated afterwards for my transgressions.

It’s not about how I look, or ‘controlling’ anything (control is shot so quickly with each relapse of overt restricting). It’s about not feeling that I deserve the same as anyone else, no matter their or my size. I don’t know how to fix that, and never got any guidance on that in 3 1/2 years with Peggy/Elle. I’ve had to wing it with various YouTubers who have eating disorder recovery content, and it’s hard. I’ve had an NG (nasogastric tube) for fluids for 3 1/2 years because I can’t tolerate the volume of food and fluids too close together. At this point, I wonder when it becomes cruel to expect this body to consume what it never has. I’m trying more calorically dense foods to minimize volume, hoping that i can then tolerate eating and drinking without the tube.

I just want to know “normal”.