AtypicallyRecovering

Photo- mine.

I’m still a long way from where I was in 2021 when this current relapse started, but without the external pressure from P along with her general absence most of the time, at least I don’t feel like I have to follow her orthorexic food rules that go against any of the more recent views on eating disorder recovery. ANY restriction is discouraged, no matter the person’s weight. I’m struggling to get back to my ‘normal’ eating which was still restricting, but different. I was used to one meal spread across the day, and I know that can’t work if I want to prevent going backwards re: my body healing from decades of depletion. Five years is the longest ‘overt restriction relapse’ I’ve ever had – while under the ‘care’ of someone who claims to be the last hope for eating disorders.
https://tabithafarrar.com/2018/06/unrestricted-eating/

Restriction is also felt to be the biggest reason people binge- regardless of the type of eating disorder diagnosed. I know a lot of heavy people who eat far less than others- and I have been in that group much of my life. The body is designed to survive, so if it feels it’s not getting enough, it triggers the body to eat to get its needs met. And the BMI chart was never meant for general use- it was designed by a Belgian astronomer in 1832, with no scientific vetting, even for the times. It is pointless- it’s like telling a poodle to look like a chihuahua… stupid. Every BODY is different, and has different needs.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10693914/

https://www.therapeuticcounseling.org/post/breaking-the-binge-restrict-cycle

I’ve been fortunate that regular bingeing left me when I left the U of IL in 1982 – where I’d pick cheese from pizza boxes in the trash room on the dorm floor, after the other floor mates were asleep. That was the end of weekend bingeing, that included cheese, ice cream, chips, dip, chocolate, and the occasional bit of ramen. During the week, I ate 1/2 potato or 1 apple per day, and took 40 laxatives PER DAY, 10 at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bedtime- without eating. I drank Diet Rite by the 2 liter bottles- and labeled mine for the big fridge in the floor study room with “herpes”, to keep people out of it (I didn’t have it, but nobody bothered my soda !!).

I also ran the 11 flights of stairs to the top of Trelease Hall where my room was-1224 was my room. It’s no wonder I passed out in the dietician’s office just before Christmas break when I was asking how to survive the month away from school at fast food places where my folks would be stopping. I wouldn’t be where my “habits” were unrestricted or even seen most of the time. My folks never bothered to think someone could eat too little, so that helped, but the bathroom access for my laxative consumption was nerve wracking. I was thankful for young sphincters, and timing any laxatives taken between known meal stops.

As far as eating goes now, I still have to pay attention to “numbers” for insulin doses and making sure I don’t have too much protein. I don’t really limit what I eat, but I’m still glued to the total numbers each day, and have a very hard time eating enough per the ‘final’ calorie goal (my former dietician gave me the ‘end goal’ for calories; protein won’t change, and carbs are only restricted by the amount of insulin I’m prescribed). With drinking again, this has caused some issues with feeling really full, so I’m eating more calorically dense stuff to avoid coming in too low on food intake or feeling too full.

I guess I’m getting closer to the “normal” restriction I’ve always done- which isn’t great, but at least I’m not bogged down by food rules that I don’t agree with, or told to eat stuff I don’t normally eat (I do keep kefir around for fast protein- but it’s not a daily thing). I tend to eat fairly dull stuff in general, but like to try new things (couple of bites). I’m eating more than one meal per day, and it’s not terribly comfortable. But I’m still eating without having a therapist lurking around (which she kind of wasn’t for a big chunk of the last 6 months I was still a patient, and prior to that, there had been the gradual breadcrumbing discussed in other posts). She hasn’t known what I was eating for years, so her ‘supervision’ was not good- and I knew it. I did eat what I said I did IF she asked, but mostly, I was invisible.

I’m glad I got the NG out (again). I kept it in for 3 days while I started drinking %100 by mouth, to help relieve some pressure to do it all at once, but I don’t mind drinking non-caloric fluids. The ones with calories take up insulin, and I only get so much per month, but I will drink a bit of soda with real sugar (high fructose corn syrup is bad for gout and triglycerides) if my stomach is upset or I have a headache- but just a few sips.

It’s still hard to know that I won’t get better with P. It was a colossal failure to get help from her, and even more that I didn’t read the stuff written about her in greater detail before signing on. I really liked her as a person for a lot of the time with her- but being blown off over a 2nd colonoscopy prep that was too much to handle physically, when she said she’d discuss some possible options, was the last straw. I was worthless to her by her refusal to help with something that could eventually kill me. She would deny that, but words are cheap when actions scream. She has given various odd medical accounts for her absence- but then flies to see patients in other European countries, has patients living with her, and could send photos of London, but couldn’t pick up the phone. I will never understand that kind of callous disregard for someone she supposedly “love like a daughter”. Gads, I hope not. I will also never understand needing a different name in Europe. Except there’s that one book that shown a very bright light on all of that, sadly.
https://quillandquire.com/review/anorexia-s-fallen-angel-the-untold-story-of-peggy-claude-pierre-and-the-controversial-montreux-clinic/