AtypicallyRecovering

Since my dad died, I tend to avoid holiday get togethers, not just because of missing him, but because of the chaos that goes through my head when the idea of eating in front of others is in the mix. I haven’t eaten around anyone for years. I haven’t been to a restaurant in about 7 years. I know that there isn’t a single person in any restaurant that cares what I’m eating, but the feeing of being too fat to deserve food is pervasive. There’s no escape yet. I passed out twice this morning trying to get out of bed… at least I have the drill down to lean back on the bed when the lights start going out.

I did manage to allow myself some Swedish potato sausage (potatiskorv), and a piece of forbidden chocolate. I’ve gained too much weight in the last couple of months, and I’m not sure if it was from steroids for pain, worsening kidney function, or what. The stress of more severe pain isn’t helping. Only 9 more days until the appointment with the new pain management folks… my degenerative joint disease and damaged bicep tendon are causing some “seeing stars” kind of pain.

The dog turned 11 years old on Christmas Eve, and surprised me with her quick deducing of the interactive toy that requires her to pull stuffed carrots out of felt “pots” to find a treat. She’s not great with a lot of interactive toys, but figured this one out on the first go. No remedial toys needed (this time). She’s been very happy, and is such a great little companion. 

I’ve been invited to a friend’s home for dinner with her family, but aside from the whole eating panic, I’m not that social. I tend to freeze around people I don’t know. The offers are very nice, but I’m not at a place where that would be at a manageable stress level. 

I hope everyone is having a great holiday season, whatever you celebrate.