Photo: Mine
I’m not drowning, but I know there’s been a shift about getting back to an earlier weight that wasn’t my goal, but it’d ‘do’ for now. I gained a lot of muscle when I started pushing up calories back in 2023 (Autumn) after discussing it with my dietician and I went too fast. I wanted to get it over with, but I regained everything from that part of the relapse. This is the longest I’ve actively restricted (vs. my family’s ‘normal’ restriction) in my life. I relapsed 5 years ago this month after a medical procedure that left me somewhat exposed for the prep, and I was mortified (they did nothing wrong). Within 3 months, I lost 40 pounds and ended up in acute renal failure because of cutting out carbs too much, and gained it back while trying to get my kidneys in better shape, which I did. Then I lost 60 pounds, and regained that- so within 5 years, I’ve lost/gained/lost/gained 220 pounds… 100kg. That’s a LOT. I was with an ‘eating disorder expert’ for a lot of that last part. And, ended up in acute renal failure again.
It’s so frustrating to know that even with ‘help’, I ended up in worse shape. Yes, I gained a lot of unwanted muscle, which weighs more than fat. I am eating about 2x the roughly 600cals/day that I was for most of the weight loss phases. I understand that food is fuel. But I don’t understand why I’m still so messed up after so long actively trying to do better, other than that was the ‘norm’ I grew up with and have existed with for most of my life. I’m trying to learn normal wherever I can.
I remember watching an ‘Elzani’ YouTube video where her family had their usual Sunday roast chicken dinner. I was dumbstruck that they had 4-5 vegetables along with roast potatoes (a starch in diabetic world) at one meal ! I didn’t know people did that. I’m learning ‘normal’ by watching YouTube- go figure. I watch “Grackle” to watch someone without an eating disorder, and her family as they enjoy food for the sake of enjoyment. She’s naturally thin (whole family got stellar genes), and tries a lot of stuff. I also like trying things, but have noticed that my head is getting less tolerant, even if I only have 1-2 bites of a food deemed ‘bad’ or ‘unsafe’. IF I put something in the day’s food line-up that isn’t some kind of “eating disorder approved” fruit, veg, dairy, or starch AND it’s not the bare bones version of it, all of the numbers for the day still have to add up to a day without something ‘extra’… so it becomes not ‘extra‘.
My ex-therapist gave me a food list (eventually; during the first 6 months, she told me what to eat and how much) and it was more like some 1970s diet plan but with no measurements to speak of (to avoid the whole numbers thing, but I have to know carbs for insulin and protein for kidney disease limitations). A ‘tablespoon’ is actually a cooking spoon to the ex-therapist- but even that is too vague. There was also a gross beginning of the whole refeeding part, with more ‘developmental’ foods like oatmeal, applesauce, hummus, yogurt, and 2 kefirs/day. When I moved on to more types of food that required teeth (insert rolling eyes emoji), she told me to cut grapes in half so I didn’t choke, like I was 2 years old. There is validity to going over developmental ‘stalls’ to get back to more of a chronological age that is in sync with emotional development, but cutting up the grapes? My throat is still 60+ years old. I have swallowing issues, but not with grapes. Speech therapy taught me how to navigate that. It’s still hard to have anything she didn’t ‘approve’ when I know that what I’m choosing is fine, and I don’t have any of the issues involved with some food/food groups she ‘banned’ a much as possible within my budget, which is most definitely an issue on disability…(nightshades, non-organic stuff, etc; I live in the US- our food supply is not ‘high brow’ or safe enough for her rules to allow me %100 ‘clean’ food with a fixed income). I like several things in the nightshade family (potatoes, eggplant, red/orange/yellow bell peppers) and not having them limited my options. I’ve gotten over that rule.
I’m still working on remembering consistantly that everyone has a different type of body. Trying to shrink a miniature schnauzer into a teacup Yorkshire terrier is foolish to even consider- nobody would be able to justify starving the schnauzer to try and make it something it isn’t… but it’s what I’ve been doing (or had done to me) for 55+ years- and I’m still not a Yorkie, and never will be. Undoing that mindset is so difficult, even though logically I know it’s messed up. So, I don’t know what will happen next, other than I am still invested in keeping my kidneys functioning. I’ve caused a lot of permanent physical damage, and my go-to reaction to food is still keeping the ‘numbers’ OK as determined by my illogical eating disorder brain. If someone else was doing the same things I am, I’d see the problem for THEM, but not for me.
Tag: eating disorder voice
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My Head Is Shifting & It’s Not Good
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I’m So Tired Of All Of This; It’s Hard To Eat In This Body
Image- general online search
I don’t know how to do this. There is no interest in food- and not just my eating disorder ‘head’. Physically, nothing sounds good. I have stuff here that I “should” like, but there’s no interest in eating it. I’ve been forcing food that seems “normal” but not anything that stirs up too much fear. I’ve given up on trying to get more protein in. If I happen to want it, OK (still have to limit quantity because of kidneys and gout), but I’m not putting extra effort into seeking it out. I just want to be ‘normal’, whatever that is, and when I look in the mirror, I just see a disgusting body that is not deserving of food. I wouldn’t see someone else, my size or larger, and deny them food- but it’s something that has been in my head for over 55 years. I don’t deserve what others do, even if it’s just food to stay alive.
I’ve been trying to do ‘low pressure’ foods- like cereal and milk for breakfast, a baked potato for lunch, and some broccoli, rice, and peanuts for dinner. That doesn’t get enough calories or protein in for the day- and I’m sick of forcing the ‘numbers’ to come out right. I don’t want to think about it… and yet it’s all I think about. There is always something in my head telling me not to eat ‘enough’, though I’ve never gotten any consistency with the calorie amount set up as my goal- I haven’t gotten close to that.
With protein, it seems that a break now and then isn’t such a bad idea if it can reduce the workload of my kidneys. I know a good chunk of the weight I gained when I tried to eat more is because of muscle gain. My legs used to be atrophied enough that the tendon on the side of my leg, near my knee, was visible- and the reason I ended up with a wheelchair for longer distance walking. Now, my thighs are like bricks with some fat over them. My right bicep had basically disintegrated, but now is much larger. I know muscle is good, but I don’t want it if it means more weight, and muscle weighs more than fat.
I’m still trying, but I’m tired of it. I haven’t quit eating, but I’m not willing to spend so much time trying for something that feels uncomfortably excessive, no matter what the numbers say. I just want to pick at the things I do like and if it works out, fine. If it doesn’t, then so be it. Getting the “food rules” from the ex-therapist out of my head is taking a while, but going better. I’m more interested in being comfortable, and not forcing stuff I have no interest in consuming. I still aim for enough carbs to avoid acute renal failure again, but that’s the most I’m doing right now.
The worst thing I’ve ever done was go on the extreme restriction ‘diet’ in the summer of 1981… the second was seeking help from someone who ended up causing more damage. Undoing the damage, and also trying to ‘rewire’ my brain by doing the opposite of what my eating disorder head says is exhausting, and doesn’t move very quickly. To get ‘positive’ stuff into my head, I’m using a radio station 24/7 that has upbeat songs (happens to be contemporary Christian music with a lot of mental health ‘boosting’ songs). I do wake up with positive messages from the songs going through my head, so that is good. The volume is low enough not to bother my sleep, but loud enough that if I don’t have anything else on (movies, videos), I can hear the songs playing softly.
I’m so tired, but I haven’t quit. -
Birthdays With An Eating Disorder
Photo- mine
Birthdays (or any holiday or gatherings around food) are painful for people with eating disorders. I’d hoped to do better this year, but fell short. The ‘plan’ was to order something I wanted without regards to the nutritional information (calories and macros in particular), but it didn’t quite turn out as I planned.
I did manage to get a 5″ cake, but it tasted of the phony ingredients in the sprinkles, so it was disappointing. I did eat about a cupcake’s worth of it. I got a side order of Popeye’s Red Beans & Rice, which I did get down, along with a biscuit. Then things went sideways. I wanted to have a single burger from Culver’s, and onion rings, but when I put those into my food tracker, I freaked out at the total “numbers”, even though I was below my eventual calorie range. It was too much of a jump from where I’ve been.
This goes on with holidays as well. I’ve got a friend who always invites me to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter meals with her family, and has for years. I have a lot of reasons for not going that don’t involve my panic at eating around other people, or other eating disorder freak out triggers. The dysautonomia makes temperature regulation away from home difficult, and requires that I have an ice vest and extra inserts (so another big bag to lug around). My stomach also reacts to hot food, and that can be rough away from home if it sends the meal careening towards the ‘back door’ in a hurry, which isn’t great at someone else’s home where more people will be using the same bathroom. And hot food can trigger a full blown autonomic ‘episode’ where I end up passed out from my BP dropping too low. I also can’t have various foods in ‘normal’ amounts because of diabetes and kidney disease, or much animal ‘flesh’ protein because of gout. I don’t like a lot of holiday food (pumpkin pie, sweet potatoes, cooked carrots, etc). So, I suck at being a guest. I don’t like to stick out as some weirdo.
The eating disorder is also a factor. I feel too fat to eat around other people, even though I think nothing of someone larger than I am (or smaller) eating whatever they want. It’s a holiday- have fun ! Eat the goodies ! But not me. My eating disorder ‘voice’ tells me that when I’m small enough, THEN I’ll ‘deserve’ to enjoy food– not just put something in to make the “numbers” look good. I haven’t eaten around anyone (and that was in the car after initial COVID vaccines) since 2021. I haven’t eaten IN a restaurant since 2017, and that was with my uncle. I know nobody is paying attention to what I’m doing when they’re out having a nice time, but I still feel like what I see in the mirror isn’t deserving of food. Not knowing the exact nutritional information is also hard- some of that is necessary for insulin dosing and not exceeding daily protein amounts, but some is just panic.
I want to be able to just enjoy a holiday like a ‘normal’ person, but I haven’t been to a holiday dinner with family or friends since about 2002. I would go after meals and hang out for a while, but always skipped the food, using the dysautonomia as an excuse (and it is a valid one), But the food part is what scared me more. I grew up going to big family Swedish Christmas Eve parties, and love those memories. I try to get some of those foods to have at home, alone.
Birthday is a wrap, so on to what to do about Thanksgiving. I’m thinking about doing a Cornish game hen- small enough not to be intimidating, as well as not having as much waste because i can’t eat a lot of it (I can freeze the extra). Maybe some stuffing. I WANT to eat that. I hope I do better in a few weeks. I am determined to get well. It’s just slow going, with trial and error. I don’t feel like I necessarily failed today- but I do think I’m learning how to minimize panic, while eating things that are still scary. The cake may have sucked, but I still ate it. Next time, I’ll get something different. Live and learn.