Atypically Recovering: On My Own No Matter How This Goes

Tag: Elisa Oras

  • Eating disorder Coaches With Requests For Explicit Photos & Encouraging Weight Loss – Vet Your Coaches

    Image- WordPress generated

    I’ve seen several very good eating disorder coaches on YouTube, and it never occurred to me that social eating disorder pages/accounts have become a place for sexual deviants to ‘shop’ for their next twisted ‘pin-up’ image. I think that online coaching can be a good option with the right person, but it’s SO critical to properly vet the person you choose. The ones I like to watch on YouTube are Tabitha Farrar, Elisa Oras, Hanne Arts, and I’m not sure if she coaches, but has her recovery story and podcast on YouTube, and that’s Megsy Recovery. There are many others as well.

    The ones you want to vet are those who lurk online. They like the pro-ana/pro-mia sites. They contact you. They may not all be on the dark web (at least on the surface), because they have to look legitimate, and not be hanging out with the perverts on dark sites if they want the typically vulnerable eating disordered people to consider being in contact. Ask questions about their experience (goes for all types of recovery options), and ask for past patient recommendations. If the person refuses, consider that a firm “no”, and move on.

    This is what happens. The ‘coach’ seems real at first. They build up trust. They may say the right things, but they don’t really encourage weight restoration or adequate nutrition. Then they ask for photo after photo as the patient’s weight drops, and THAT is where the sexual exploitation comes in. The perv who is acting like a coach then can use the photos for his/her own personal ‘entertainment’, but also sell the images.

    https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/eat.24074

    NEVER send photos of yourself in full or partial undress. You can’t get them back. IF someone is encouraging you to lose more weight, and asking for more photos, leave. Block them. Report them to your local police for folks in the US (local law enforcement for everyone), and anticipate some kind of FBI investigation if the coach is in a different state/country than you are. Even if nothing comes of your report, the police have it for future victims, and when the numbers add up, it’s harder to just view it as an isolated incident.

    These individuals are actually “PRO-ana” coaches. They want people to be thinner for THEIR own twisted reasons. They are digitally sexually abusing their ‘clients’. They groom them as well as use the photos for blackmail. This is a crime. It’s a form of sex-traffickking if the images are sold.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/202509/i-can-help-you-lose-weight-sweetie

    If this has happened to you, it’s not your fault. You wanted help. You likely felt that the person was looking out for your best interests. But if they want you to stay at an unhealthy weight, or want you to keep losing weight, EVEN if your eating disorder head likes to hear that, get away from that person. Block email, phone, social media access, etc. SAVE the photos on your phone/camera. Yes, you’ll probably have to turn them over to law enforcement, but they are the good guys, and only want to nail the bad ones, not you. They NEED that evidence. If you’d feel better, contact an attorney. Protect yourself. If it happens to be someone you know, get a restraining order. And keep remembering, you’re not the one at fault.

    IF YOU ARE UNDER LEGAL AGE, tell your primary caregiver- whether a parent, grandparent, or if those don’t feel ‘safe’, another trusted family member, teacher, or your school nurse. But tell someone. You are in a more vulnerable position, and the “coach” is also violating laws re: child pornography in many places. That’s a crime punishable with prison time. It’s that serious, and you could help someone else NOT to be targeted if you report your deviant coach.

    *clarificiation: this did not happen to me with any therapists I’ve had over 45 years of various eating disorder treatment/therapy.

  • Healing From Toxic Therapy

    Image- online search (not my photo)

    I found a great post about getting through the aftermath of unsuccessful and/or toxic therapy, and will be using it as a sort of template for this post. Obviously, this is about a therapy relationship, not a social or intimate one. My comments refer that.

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/10-steps-to-recovering-from-toxic-trauma-bond-0110175

    – Make a commitment to live in reality:
    This part wasn’t so hard for me. I’d been feeling odd ‘off’ stuff in my gut for a couple of years before I finally had enough, and blocked my ex-therapist on all communication vehicles except email. I haven’t spoken to her for about a year. The lack of contact has been liberating, though the emails that I only used for a few months (after 7-8 months of NO contact) were mostly benign- but I’m still very guarded. I haven’t heard anything for several weeks- and that’s OK.

    – Live in real time
    This hasn’t been difficult. I don’t have ‘hope’ or ‘what ifs’ with this situation. It’s over. Period. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t grief. Over 3 1/2 years as an ‘official’ patient (scattered and sporadic as contact had become) is a chunk of time, with some OK parts at the beginning. Grief isn’t about hope. That ship sailed long before I cut ties.

    – Live one decision at a time, one day at a time.
    I’m isolated, disabled, and very much a loner, so not a lot of decisions to be made. I have a lot more thoughts about my late dog, late parents, and family who is still alive and part of my life. All-or-nothing thinking hasn’t entered into this for me, because my head is invested in finding something else to help me through the eating disorder (though, admittedly, I sometimes have days when my attitude is more like “forget it”).

    – Make decisions that only support your well-being and sense of self.
    I have trouble with this one. Beyond the chronic medical mayhem, I don’t think much of myself to invest much into me, and I know that has to change. I’ve never been good at affirmations (they literally cause a physical ‘recoil’ reaction), or hearing positive things about myself. I’m not sure how to change that, but it’s on the radar now. I am in self-preservation and self-protection mode, so for now, that has to be enough.

    – Start feeling your emotions
    No. Problem. With. This. One. Mostly the memories of my sweet dog that I had to let go in peace in May 2025 are what get the waterworks going, and I’ve been getting tissues in the 10-box pack from Costco. Living alone, I don’t have to hide when I feel like goose poop, so that helps. I’ve also been missing my late parents more. In some ways I think that’s good since I kind of coasted through mom’s death by trying to help my dad, and got through dad’s death by being numb. I miss both of them. They were human, fallible, and did the best they could with what they had to work with, and while there was trauma from one of them, it was forgiven decades ago.

    – Learn to grieve.
    In this situation it refers to the toxic/painful/harmful therapy hopes. This one is tough. I do have mixed emotions about some things, but I think that’s OK. I have gone through some times of anger, tears, and kicking myself for not leaving when I knew it wasn’t a good situation. There’s more work to be done with this, but knowing that I’m safe and away from additional chaos sometimes is ‘enough’ to get through whatever is painful at the time.

    – Understand the ‘hook’ and identify what, exactly are you losing.
    In a therapy relationship, for me it was the hope of getting well, and not being a slave to the eating disorder ‘voice’ (more like loud thoughts). That’s what I signed up for and what never happened. I lost the image of the person I’d seen on TV who seemed to be such a beacon of hope, when in reality, the entire process was more like a lighthouse without a lit light. There was something there, but it was intangible and too dim to see by design, as well as charisma with a motive. On the surface that ‘beacon’ was idyllic as far as therapy goes. In reality, it was the realization of the delusional views I’d had about someone I never met in person.

    – Write a list of bottom-line behaviors for yourself.
    This one wrote itself. It was the constant requests for money for personal reasons after making it very clear that I could no longer afford therapy. When I stopped sending money, contact dissipated. My original weekly (? – sometimes she did call more often, but there was no rhyme or reason) phone calls came once a month. Early on, they were more frequent. Messages weren’t seen for up to a week. Emails weren’t read for months. Those are deal-breakers. Line in the sand drawn and crossed multiple times UNTIL I stopped complying.

    – Build YOUR life.
    I’m limited in what I can do physically, but I do have things I enjoy when I’m able to be more active. Even on ‘slug’ days, I like music, and planning things to do around my apartment, which is a disaster from a move that half killed me in June/July 2022, and activity restrictions that started when therapy did (in late June 2022). They were set up by both my ex-therapist and my dietician who hadn’t met, but told me the same things, which was helpful. So I may have modified dreams, but they’re still good and give me something to look forward to, even if it takes a considerable while to get done.

    – Build healthy connections.
    As I said above, I’m isolated and have been a loner for a long time, and I’m OK with that. My dog was probably my closest ever relationship since we were together 24/7 for 12 1/2 years. I’m not a people person any longer. When I was working, I loved my job, but that’s been over for 24 years. I do still have some contact with two friends who are former coworkers, and they’re the kind of friends that I may not talk to very often, but it’s like we just hung up the phone from the last call each time we talk. I also have a few friends here, and some family who don’t live nearby, but who are incredibly dear.

    More goes into healing a broken relationship that is so emotionally intimate, especially when it was supposed to help heal a disorder that can be lethal. There’s some ‘un-brainwashing’ to be done. There’s finding that former core person and ways to minimize the pain of memories of what was, and what will never be. I’ve been using YouTube videos by Tabitha Farrar and Elisa Oras, as well as ‘in the moment’ recovery videos by Elzani/Elzani Singleton, Megsy Recovery, and surfing other channels. I often have ‘Sorted Food” or “Grackle” on when I’m eating, as distraction and to watch people who ‘do food’ normally. For more lighthearted goofiness, ‘Jolly’ is fun. Use what works for you, to manage the void and tame the voice. I’m no expert, obviously, but I’m looking for anything that might help, when what I’d hoped for didn’t pan out.

    I’ve had several therapists over the 45+ years. Most were good, but not all. If the above comments on the points in the blog post don’t fit, consider this:
    https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/03/5-signs-of-narcissistic-therapists-the-ultimate-covert-wolves-in-sheeps-clothing#1-They-violate-boundaries

  • Trying To Find A Normal I never Knew

    Photo: mine

    Navigating ‘normal eating’ has been overwhelming, confusing, and I have no idea how I get to the point of being free of this restrictive disorder. I have doubts that I will. In many ways, I’ve accepted that I won’t ever be truly free from this. I don’t have a frame of reference for ‘normal’ eating, since it wasn’t part of my childhood and adolescence. Nutrition wasn’t valued, and the cost of food determined the frequency and how many meals/portions could be squeezed out of a can of something meant for 2 people.

    Restricting was my parents’ only way of dealing with food. For my dad, who didn’t have very refined tastebuds, there were two categories of food- “I like it.” “I don’t want that again”, but if it was expensive, he might have loved something, but price dictated everything. He changed in his later years, going out to lunch often with his friends. He wasn’t a bad guy. He just didn’t value adequate meals or have any interest in nutrition. But he’d ‘graze’ all day (on what, I’m not sure since we couldn’t have the foods he couldn’t stay out of in the house). He was normal weight. He said he was chunky in high school, but photos don’t show that.

    For my mom, it was all about being on a perpetual diet, though the specifics could get cloudy at times. She didn’t cook much, and we very, very rarely went to restaurants unless we were traveling, but even in Europe, we had envelopes of lemonade powder and a 2 liter thermos she mixed it in, and that was for all three of us for the day. We might get water later. Otherwise, she was always getting some new diet, or group to go to- Weight Watchers, Diet Workshop, etc. Some of that food wasn’t bad. She was thrilled when I wanted to diet, even though most of them were incredibly unhealthy. Her weight went from ‘hangry’ to overweight, but not by a lot.

    A typical day for me in high school included skipping breakfast, a pickle, carrot sticks, and salami for lunch, and whatever budget dinner was on the menu in the evening. Kraft Spaghetti box meal (tangy one) was one of the favorites. I figured out that I might have averaged between 700-900 calories/day in high school… and that was fine with my folks- they didn’t know the ‘numbers’, but had no issue with my starvation diet since they were generally in the same boat, though didn’t realize it at the time. I just knew I hated it and was always hungry.

    It wasn’t about not being able to afford food, but the absolute disinterest in fueling a body for the day. My junior year was packed with 8 classes and no lunch period to allow for drivers’ education. I was exhausted, and by about 3 weeks into the new year, I was cratering. A teacher noticed, and talked to me, which went to my guidance counselor (longtime family friend since I was 2 yrs old), and up to my dad (principal of that high school), and I got a royal chewing out for telling a teacher I was exhausted (and not really interested in waking up any longer). At any rate, I got to drop physics, and get a lunch period in.

    Not eating enough has always been my normal, even though my weight looks like I go to buffets and pull up a chair and fork right at the buffet. I’m sure my metabolic rate has gone into the postmortem range. There are links to undereating and weight gain.
    https://www.nutrisense.io/blog/can-undereating-cause-weight-gain?srsltid=AfmBOopekWvw_SGX2HmkyuLeoUz2NAnV-EX4mqPqnam7jk3jfpz6hnyq

    And I’m terrified to eat more, which keeps me stuck because I don’t trust my body to work right and yet I’ve never given it a chance. I was not overweight in high school but it was during a time when everyone was trying to lose weight whether they needed to or not. So, I don’t know how to cram more in (while also getting fluids in without the NG tube) to bump up my intake. I get full really fast, and none of that discomfort has lessened in the past 4 years. I’ve eaten more in the last four years than I ever did prior getting ‘help’, and I’m pretty much over it. There are still fear foods. Not all fear foods are because of weight, but because of gout pain that is bad enough to fear.

    For now, to help lessen stress about eating, I have cut back some. I want this excessive muscle gone. I’m still making sure there are enough carbs for my kidneys, and getting fluids in, but that’s about it. If a whole bag of Orville Redenbacher’s Smart Pop microwave popcorn is what sounds good, then that’s lunch- 240 calories for the whole bag. That’s all I can manage now- just eating what sounds good and doesn’t panic my head. I still have to keep track of everything for insulin doses and making sure protein doesn’t go too high. That doesn’t help ‘free up’ any non-restricting thoughts, but whatever. Right now, I need no pressure. And no rules (other than carbs and fluids). I also hope that at some point I can let go of these rules in my head, and be more relaxed about eating in general.

    Eating has always been something that feels like I’ve done something wrong just by fueling my body and I know that sounds nuts. I have to ‘undo’ the stuff I learned as a young child and grew up knowing as ‘normal’ when it was anything but. I’m still listening to Tabitha Farrar and Elisa Oras, and others on YouTube. My logical head knows what they say is valid. My ED head can’t come to grips with that thing in the mirror needing to be fed, and fed more. I’m still listening for something that can break through this wall of shame around eating. I also wonder what I’d be like now if I hadn’t been bribed to lose weight as a 6-7 year old, or lived in a house that was always restricting. I’ll never know.

  • Online Eating Disorder Recovery Help

    Online Eating Disorder Recovery Help

    Image- general online search

    I started looking into online eating disorder support options a couple of years ago when it seemed that my therapist was only a part time social contact person, and then only when it was convenient for her. I didn’t expect constant contact, but wasn’t even getting phone calls when she said she’d call, so I knew I needed to find other options. YouTube has been very helpful with eating disorder recovery information (professional and for patients), ED coaches, and people who have recovered largely on their own with the intuitive eating philosophy.

    The general idea is to get to a place of eating what one wants, when they want it- and not to restrict anything. Ever. I have some medical food restrictions, but I’m working on the “no rules” eating goals as much as I can, and it is hard. Back in the 80s, I did something similar with Geneen Roth’s books. The idea there was to avoid the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ food categories, and just see food as fuel. That is still part of intuitive eating. Back then, I got things I wanted to eat, and kept my pantry stocked. That took away the ‘forbidden’ food idea that just leads to craving those items more, and setting up bingeing because of restricting. If the foods are always available, the idea was that I could have them when I wanted, and took away the obsession with something I wasn’t “supposed to” have. It was a good thing for me, and I focused on things I really wanted, and good quality versions of them. I started to enjoy those things in small quantities because I could have more, but mostly, a few bites was all I wanted. I was never a regular binger, so that part wasn’t really relevant, but with restricting so many categories of foods, the idea of ‘no bad foods’ helped make them less terrifying.

    With YouTube, I have favorite ‘recovery journey’ channels (Elzani, Elzani Singleton, Megsy Recovery). Elzani’s journey could be triggering because of her severe emaciation in the beginning, but she had the motivation to get well that was helpful for me and still is. I wanted to try new foods because of her channel, and love how supportive her family is. Megsy Recovery is also good, and focuses on daily challenges with specific foods and topics. They are both pro-recovery, and have been incredibly helpful. Often, I’ll eat while watching one of their videos, both for distraction and information.

    Tabitha Farrar is a recovery coach, and a recovered anorexic. She is direct, and has a lot of videos that explain how the body does all it can to survive, and why there is a lot of damage to repair physically as well as mentally. She understands and promotes the idea that body size is irrelevant to the type and severity of the eating disorder. The rules for underweight ED sufferers are no different for those in larger bodies. I’m still coming to terms with that, as I have trouble internalizing the idea that what I see in the mirror ‘deserves’ food, but I’m starting to see how food is simply fuel but can also be enjoyed just for the sake of liking something. Tabitha has written several books. “Rehabilitate, Rewire, Recover” is her main book (2nd edition now), but she has smaller books on weight gain fears, and dealing with issues common to those in recovery. Elisa Oras is also very good as a recovered person, now in her second pregnancy. Her focus is intuitive eating as well, and she posts videos on various ED topics. “BrainwashED” is the title of her book.

    One of the biggest advantages of online recovery help is that there are no “business hours”. With my weird sleep patterns, I can always look up a video or read something (short amounts, since attention span is still messed up). If I didn’t quite grasp something, I can rewatch or reread their content. I’m not judged, and I can pick and choose what seems like it will be helpful. There are some topics I don’t have issues with (spouse, kids, etc), so I can skip those. Repetition happens at my pace, and with the content that is most useful to me. It’s completely customizable. It takes a lot of repetition to rewire the brain to escape the eating disorder voice and rules. That was supposed to be the goal with my former therapist, but there was no instruction on how to do that. YouTube has excelled in “patient education” via these online recovery channels, as well as professionally directed seminars. I also ‘see’ people who have recovered, showing that it is possible, even without a ‘therapy’ angle. I am NOT ‘anti- inpatient eating disorder treatment’ or therapy in general. If someone needs a higher level of care, that should be the priority. It can help shave months off of recovery done only with outpatient resources, and if someone is medically unstable, hospitalization is critical. Every 52 minutes, someone dies from an eating disorder in the US alone.
    https://www.southdenvertherapy.com/blog/eating-disorder-statistics

    YouTube also has a lot of professional videos on eating disorders, to explain the nuts and bolts of EDs (not dependent on weight), and topics like refeeding, medical implications, etc. As a former RN of 35 yrs (worked 20 before my body broke), I appreciate the professional information. Dr. Jennifer Gaudiani is one I like. There are also good channels by “Balance”, “ACUTE” (medical stabilization unit in Colorado), and many more.

    Besides YouTube, there are a LOT of ‘written’ websites that have really good information. NEDA, BEAT, ANAD, Door2, Balance, ACUTE, and professional research sites have a ton of recovery information. There are many others as well, but these are the ones I’m most familiar with. I’m the sort that likes explanations about why something is happening or difficult, and the internet is loaded with them. I am cautious about sites with no connection to a legit organization. I recently learned that while there are great recovery coaches online, there are also pro-Ana ‘coaches’, which horrified me. If any site or ‘coach’ promotes restriction of any kind, they should be avoided like the plague. There is a sub-type of ‘Ana Coaches’ that get into twisted fetishes, asking people for photos of their decreasing weight, and use those photos for sexually pathological reasons. Their ‘coaching’ is a form of grooming for sexual exploitation, and blackmail is often involved. NEVER send photographs in any stage of undress to an online ‘entity’. Once they are on the internet, they can be shared and sold. You become ‘trafficked’, and some perv is out there spanking the monkey while looking at those photos. Ewww…

    Well, this is what I’m using now to get well, I hope. I’m able to understand that all bodies are different by looking at animals… I would like to be a greyhound, but am more of a bulldog. Neither dog is ‘wrong’ or ‘unworthy’, but simply that they are different types of dogs. Humans are also various shapes and sizes, and those are not ‘imperfections’, but simply how each of us is built. To deprive the bulldog of what it needs would be so very cruel, and yet that’s what I’ve been doing (or had done to me) for 55 years. It’s hard to undo that mindset, but that’s what I’m hoping for.


    Resources:
    https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37906085/

    https://www.acute.org/?msclkid=602e9f1d8169160adfe0f6a1d312e2cd&utm_campaign=Branded&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=bing&utm_term=acute%20eating%20disorder%20treatment%20center&utm_content=ACUTE%20Brand

    https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

    https://anad.org

    https://www.door2.com.au

    https://balancedtx.com

    https://www.gaudianiclinic.com

  • Waves of Grief and Anger

    Waves of Grief and Anger

    Photo: Mine

    Even though I fully understand that the manipulation and emotional control measures used by my ex-therapist is her pathological shit, it still deeply impacted me. She doesn’t seem to feel remorse about much, and sent me a message saying she hoped i didn’t turn all of the crap she threw at me against myself. WTF? She KNOWS my history of poor attachment and abandonment, and it seems her ‘kindness matters’ schtick is reserved for those who pay for it. I ran out of money, so my former therapist ran off for greener pastures, resulting in a month going by between calls, and always with some reason that didn’t stand up when she said what else she’d been doing. I’m guessing, based on 3 1/2 years of hearing various things from her, that she’s got more patients that are ripe for the squeezing (of parents’ bank accounts). God help them.

    I’m still dealing with the grief of not being a success story with that particular therapist, but still hoping that I can do what so many have done, and do it with YouTube videos and the books by those whose channels I prefer. I’m still struggling a lot with what I see in the mirror, and to justify feeding that thing, but at the same time, I know I have to eat enough to stay out of acute renal failure. Chronic kidney disease from poor perfusion (related to decades of inadequate fluids, food, blood pressure, and heart rate) is lousy enough with the protein restrictions.

    I’m grieving the person I saw early on in this fiasco, who WAS very attentive, kept in fairly regular contact, went above and beyond a few times when I was sick, or my blood sugar tanked and I was having trouble keeping it up, etc. That person was gone in January 2023. I completely understand that contact lessens with more stable intake and coping with the hell of learning to eat, but then don’t say that a call is coming when the schedule is already booked.

    Don’t tell me about multiple (odd) medical issues, that aren’t taken care of, but while being “too ill” to even phone me, she’s off to London to see a patient, off to Canada to see a patient, assessing patients in various parts of Europe, attending conferences in Macedonia, and moving countries again… if she’s so damn sick, she’s certainly not slowed down by it.

    When I’ve had medical issues come up, I’d send screenshots of lab work or test results. I can show proof of what is going on. I’ve had multiple chronic disorders since 1995, with pain, dysautonomia, fibromyalgia, epilepsy that was diagnosed in 1986, degenerative disc disease, degenerative joint disease, SI joint inflammation, gout, diabetes, kidney disease, and something I’m forgetting. The epilepsy diagnosis was ‘fine tuned’ diagnosis in about 2005 or so, with a 5 day video EEG that showed increased risk of seizures in the first stages of sleep- however I end up there… bed, low blood sugar, dysautonomia. There have been numerous times when what she told me about her medical stuff, or her daughter’s just hasn’t made sense. She’s not stupid, but I’m not sure if there was some misunderstanding from what the docs told her, or what. But 35 yrs of being an RN, with 20 of that working in various types of nursing (heavy on the ortho and neuro, as well as general med-surg), I can sniff out a skunk fairly well. But it could be that not being a medical person, it was a misunderstanding. All I know is that shit didn’t make sense.

    I’ve been doing fairly well with getting food in to meet minimums with macros, and have for a while. I’ve also been using Liquid IV, in order to get enough sodium to keep my BP up (check with your doc before manipulating electrolytes, protein, fat, and carbs for your particular situation). Today, I even managed an apple-cinnamon bagel (scary) with some cream cheese and apple butter, and really liked it. It’s hard for me to say I like something, because my head insists that means I’m going to go nuts and eat an entire package. I was stuffed after that ‘normal’ (not massive) sized bagel and toppings- but I also know that it’s something that is filling, tastes good, and even though I was apprehensive, I got it down without a lot of inner dialogue about eating it.

    Individually portioned products are also helpful, and feel safer (depending on what it is). And I’m trying some new things here and there, even if just a bite or two. I do like to try new things, but it’s still scary. Food shouldn’t evoke that kind of emotion. It’s simply a fuel to get my body through the day, as well as repair damage from decades of under-eating.

    I am angry at the load of crap I was fed during the love-bombing, and believe none of it at this point. It all seems like one big scam. I feel so stupid for sticking around as long as I did. I think that by not having consistent contact, it’s supposed to make me more appreciative of any crumbs of attention she gave me, but I don’t operate like that. If someone doesn’t do what they say they will, I back off, and take notes. When the BS outweighs anything useful, I don’t let the door hit me in the ass on my way out. And I don’t think she gives a shit that she made things worse. She implied some kind of medical issue that was bad, but in her usual manner, she chooses words wisely that could be interpreted in multiple ways, including pure BS. If she really is sick this time, I don’t wish her any ill will. But I doubt everything she says now. Hopefully, the messages in the archived section of WhatsApp will stay quiet.

    I also hope that my head calms down about this. She’s really not worth being upset about, and yet the waves of anger and grief still pop up. Writing helps. So, I write.

  • Grieving Hope of Recovery With Ex-Therapist

    Grieving Hope of Recovery With Ex-Therapist

    Photo- mine

    It might sound weird to grieve for something that never happened. But I’d dreamed of getting well with someone who seemed to have figured out how to get the eating disorder voice to go quiet for good. She has helped a lot of people, but it seems that she loses interest quickly when the money runs out- even though she said she’d still keep me (after paying $32,700K USD- the agreed monthly amount before she accepted me). The calls petered out, and there was always an excuse. But what hurt the most is basically being blown off while I was still paying. I know that sounds stupid. I’m skeptical of a LOT normally. I’m not one to believe most people after so many violations of trust in my life, or taking advantage/targeting me because I want to be helpful or ‘good’ to others. But I felt I could trust her. I was very, very wrong.

    The ongoing and lengthy absences with no warning, constant excuses (I don’t even know what things to believe are true or not), telling me other patients’ private information, and calls that never came just reinforced the feeling of worthlessness, with no acknowledgment of that whatsoever from her. When other patients did something she didn’t like, I was told by her that they were difficult or were somehow worth more of her time, when I did what I could not to cause problems. And that was a huge mistake. I needed squeaky wheels to be acknowledged- like she needed the patients to swarm to her for contact. I don’t do that 4th grade crap. This whole thing has been traumatic and painful. It’s hard when hope gets blown off by a person who is supposed to be a ‘last resort’. Her promises meant nothing.

    I wanted the freedom to not think about food and losing weight that has haunted me since I was 6 years old. I wanted to be able to have something just because I like it- not because it’s specifically to fit into the macro numbers. I wanted my head to be ‘rewired’ so that I had a healthier relationship with food, so I could be more social with friends, and get my body repaired. It’s been through a lot.

    But those dreams aren’t dead (they are with that therapist), and I still hope to get well via YouTube eating disorder recovery videos that all promote basically the same thing. Don’t restrict food. Period. Weight will even out when the body knows it’s going to get consistent food, and doesn’t have to hang on to calories for fear of not getting enough. I still have trouble with that because I’m not thin- but I have to try something, and with the numbers of people who have recovered with this method (intuitive eating and feast v famine mentality and body response), there has to be something to it. And aside from buying the books that Tabitha Farrar and Elisa Oras have written, it’s free. I also have my IRL dietician, who is very helpful, and knows I’m struggling. She also always responds to questions via email. If she’s out of the office, I get a notification that she’ll contact me when she’s back.

    I am hoping I have the nerve to have a piece of birthday cake this year- kind of a celebration of being free from the psychological manipulation and control by someone who isn’t worthy of such power, as well as not doing what my head says about being too ‘bad’ to deserve a bit of cake. Little goals.

  • When Bingeing Is Self-Preservation: Extreme Hunger

    When Bingeing Is Self-Preservation: Extreme Hunger

    Image- Texas Monthly issue on BBQ (not sure which restaurant this is from)

    For those who don’t understand the body’s primary goal of keeping us alive, bingeing might not make a lot of sense. But when someone has been restricting for any period of time, if the body senses that there’s an urgent need to offset any calorie deficits, it does a few things. One is the obsessive thinking about food. Another is focused on feeding others. And when the mental cues to eat are ignored, an almost out of body thing happens… it’s like a mandate to eat. For some, it’s a lot. For others, it’s uncomfortable if it’s not planned meal plan food. But the ultimate purpose is to get calories into a body running on empty. Extreme hunger is normal after a period of restriction.

    Tabitha Farrar talks about the feast and famine responses in her book “Rehabilitate, Rewire, Recover!” (second edition is out now). It goes back to cave man days, when food was sporadic and seasonal. The people in some areas were more nomadic to help source food, but even if people stayed in the same basic area, people ate when food was plentiful to prepare for times of less food.

    I know from nursing school that homeostasis is the goal of the body at all times. Physical hunger cues can be trashed with eating disorders, because they’ve been ignored for so long. Mental cues and insomnia are other ‘kicks in the butt’ to look for food- and again are often ignored. Extreme hunger is like a tornado siren on loudspeaker when the body must. Have. Food.

    The fear of “bingeing”/eating and possible weight gain is incredibly hard to deal with. Anything that could trigger weight gain is avoided- until it can’t be. It is just trying to get calories into a starving body, no matter how long it takes, or how long it lasts. I’m still at a place where I resist any mental or physical hunger if it falls outside of planned food. I want that to change, and I’m also very afraid of it. Not being thin, or even ‘normal weight’, I have trouble justifying feeding what I see in the mirror. I still don’t feel I deserve food, and the chaos with the “expert” isn’t helping, since she was restricting what and how much I ate when she was in control over my food. When I get either mental or physical hunger, I panic.

    But, it does help to hear multiple accounts from people on YouTube who had extreme hunger (often mistaken for bingeing) and that it didn’t last forever. Some gained considerable amounts of weight, and then settled into THEIR body’s healthy weight- which often has nothing in common with that stupid BMI chart. Extreme hunger can be physical or mental. Both are valid, and the current recommendations are to honor that by eating what your body is asking for, as much as it needs. By replenishing the stores, the hunger dissipates over time once things are again in balance with needs and energy requirements. From what I’ve read, the time this takes varies with each person.

    While I haven’t read a lot about binge eating disorder, there are those who believe that the excessive eating is really a response to restriction in those folks as well. That does make sense. I’ve known several people who don’t eat that much to support their weight, but who describe not being able to control their hunger once it hits.

  • So, Now What Am I Going To Do?

    So, Now What Am I Going To Do?

    Image from general internet search.


    I’ve been actively restricting for nearly 4 years- the longest stretch ever with ‘numbers’ ruling everything. That doesn’t include the food restriction in my house as a kid when I was bribed to lose weight when I wasn’t fat, at ages 6-7. My head is constantly giving me reasons not to eat. Or cut back on what I’m eating- or, God forbid, I get hungry ‘too early’ and eat something that wasn’t planned… gotta go adjust the day’s planned food to atone for the sin of eating while hungry. This has gone on for the entire time I was with my former therapist, and she knew it. She once told me she’d talk me through every bite if she had to…. yeah, right. Still waiting for those phone calls that never came so many times.

    SO, I have to go another route. I can’t afford copays for anything ‘formal’ at this point. I do have my dietician, and she is very helpful, so that’s good. I’m thinking about going through Tabitha Farrar’s and Elisa Oras’ YouTube videos on recovery. Both have similar philosophies, and each has written at least one book to have as a reference. The basic premise is to do the opposite of what my head says, and listen to what my body needs. Not sure I’m clued in on that last part, but I do know that when I see what is in the mirror, it’s hard to justify feeding this body. I know logically that I have to (acute kidney failure twice in 4 years was because of cutting back too much on carbs). If I saw someone larger than myself, I wouldn’t withhold food from them.

    Food has never been ‘safe’. There have been times when I haven’t paid as much attention to the numbers, but I rarely ate more than one meal spread throughout the day, not restricting types of food… just frequency and amounts. So, much of the past 3+ years has been spent just getting used to eating food multiple times a day, and in non-restrictive portions. And I’ve hated it. I don’t feel I deserve it. I want to be smaller, and after the “MIA” with the last therapist, I feel more and more like I need to ‘disappear’. Not helpful.

    So, I’m still feeling that ‘stuck between the trapezes’ feeling I had with the former therapist, but now it’s because I’m not sure how to go about this other than to soak up as much USEFUL information as possible from those two YouTubers who have sound advice based on personal experience. I guess I need to make a list of fear foods. And eat. Without cutting something else out.