Photo: mine
Navigating ‘normal eating’ has been overwhelming, confusing, and I have no idea how I get to the point of being free of this restrictive disorder. I have doubts that I will. In many ways, I’ve accepted that I won’t ever be truly free from this. I don’t have a frame of reference for ‘normal’ eating, since it wasn’t part of my childhood and adolescence. Nutrition wasn’t valued, and the cost of food determined the frequency and how many meals/portions could be squeezed out of a can of something meant for 2 people.
Restricting was my parents’ only way of dealing with food. For my dad, who didn’t have very refined tastebuds, there were two categories of food- “I like it.” “I don’t want that again”, but if it was expensive, he might have loved something, but price dictated everything. He changed in his later years, going out to lunch often with his friends. He wasn’t a bad man. He just didn’t value solid meals. But he’d ‘graze’ all day (on what, I’m not sure since we couldn’t have the foods he couldn’t stay out of in the house). He was normal weight.
For my mom, it was all about being on a perpetual diet, though the specifics could get cloudy at times. She didn’t cook much, and we very, very rarely went to restaurants unless we were traveling, but even in Europe, we had envelopes of lemonade powder and a 2 liter thermos she mixed it in, and that was for all three of us for the day. We might get water later. Otherwise, she was always getting some new diet, or group to go to- Weight Watchers, Diet Workshop, etc. Some of that food wasn’t bad. She was thrilled when I wanted to diet, even though most of them were incredibly unhealthy.
A typical day for me in high school included skipping breakfast, a pickle, carrot sticks, and salami for lunch, and whatever budget dinner was on the menu in the evening. Kraft Spaghetti box meal (tangy one) was one of the favorites. I figured out that I might have averaged between 700-900 calories/day in high school… and that was fine with my folks- they didn’t know the ‘numbers’, but had no issue with my starvation diet since they were generally in the same boat, though didn’t realize it at the time. I just knew I hated it and was always hungry.
It wasn’t about not being able to afford food, but the absolute disinterest in fueling a body for the day. My junior year was packed with 8 classes and no lunch period to allow for drivers’ education. I was exhausted, and by about 3 weeks into the new year, I was cratering. A teacher noticed, and talked to me, which went to my guidance counselor (longtime family friend since I was 2 yrs old), and up to my dad (principal of that high school), and I got a royal chewing out for telling a teacher I was exhausted (and not really interested in waking up any longer). At any rate, I got to drop physics, and get a lunch period in.
Not eating enough has always been my normal, even though my weight looks like I go to buffets and pull up a chair and fork right at the buffet. I’m sure my metabolic rate has gone into the postmortem range. There are links to undereating and weight gain.
https://www.nutrisense.io/blog/can-undereating-cause-weight-gain?srsltid=AfmBOopekWvw_SGX2HmkyuLeoUz2NAnV-EX4mqPqnam7jk3jfpz6hnyq
And I’m terrified to eat more, which keeps me stuck because I don’t trust my body to work right and yet I’ve never given it a chance. I was not overweight in high to school but it was during a time when everyone was trying to lose weight whether they needed to or not. So, I don’t know how to cram more in (while also getting fluids in without the NG tube) to bump up my intake. I get full really fast, and none of that discomfort has lessened in the past 4 years. I’ve eaten more in the last four years than I ever did prior getting ‘help’, and I’m pretty much over it. There are still fear foods. Not all fear foods are because of weight, but because of gout pain that is bad enough to fear.
For now, to help lessen stress about eating, I have cut back some. I want this excessive muscle gone. I’m still making sure there are enough carbs for my kidneys, and getting fluids in, but that’s about it. If a whole bag of Orville Redenbacher’s Smart Pop microwave popcorn is what sounds good, then that’s lunch- 240 calories for the whole bag. That’s all I can manage now. I still have to keep track of everything for insulin doses and making sure protein doesn’t go too high. That doesn’t help ‘free up’ any non-restricting thoughts, but whatever. Right now, I need no pressure. And no rules (other than carbs and fluids). I also hope that at some point I can let go of these rules in my head, and be more relaxed about eating in general.
Eating has always been something that feels like I’ve done something wrong just by fueling my body- and I know that sounds nuts. I have to ‘undo’ the stuff I learned as a young child and grew up knowing as ‘normal’ when it was anything but. I’m still listening to Tabitha Farrar and Elisa Oras, and others on YouTube. My logical head knows what they say is valid. My ED head can’t come to grips with that thing in the mirror needing to be fed, and fed more. I’m still listening for something that can break through this wall of shame around eating. I also wonder what I’d be like now if I hadn’t been bribed to lose weight as a 6-7 year old, or lived in a house that was always restricting. I’ll never know.
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