Atypically Recovering: On My Own No Matter How This Goes

Tag: lifelong eating disorder

  • Trying To Find A Normal I Never Knew

    Photo: mine

    Navigating ‘normal eating’ has been overwhelming, confusing, and I have no idea how I get to the point of being free of this restrictive disorder. I have doubts that I will. In many ways, I’ve accepted that I won’t ever be truly free from this. I don’t have a frame of reference for ‘normal’ eating, since it wasn’t part of my childhood and adolescence. Nutrition wasn’t valued, and the cost of food determined the frequency and how many meals/portions could be squeezed out of a can of something meant for 2 people.

    Restricting was my parents’ only way of dealing with food. For my dad, who didn’t have very refined tastebuds, there were two categories of food- “I like it.” “I don’t want that again”, but if it was expensive, he might have loved something, but price dictated everything. He changed in his later years, going out to lunch often with his friends. He wasn’t a bad guy. He just didn’t value adequate meals or have any interest in nutrition. But he’d ‘graze’ all day (on what, I’m not sure since we couldn’t have the foods he couldn’t stay out of in the house). He was normal weight. He said he was chunky in high school, but photos don’t show that.

    For my mom, it was all about being on a perpetual diet, though the specifics could get cloudy at times. She didn’t cook much, and we very, very rarely went to restaurants unless we were traveling, but even in Europe, we had envelopes of lemonade powder and a 2 liter thermos she mixed it in, and that was for all three of us for the day. We might get water later. Otherwise, she was always getting some new diet, or group to go to- Weight Watchers, Diet Workshop, etc. Some of that food wasn’t bad. She was thrilled when I wanted to diet, even though most of them were incredibly unhealthy. Her weight went from ‘hangry’ to overweight, but not by a lot.

    A typical day for me in high school included skipping breakfast, a pickle, carrot sticks, and salami for lunch, and whatever budget dinner was on the menu in the evening. Kraft Spaghetti box meal (tangy one) was one of the favorites. I figured out that I might have averaged between 700-900 calories/day in high school… and that was fine with my folks- they didn’t know the ‘numbers’, but had no issue with my starvation diet since they were generally in the same boat, though didn’t realize it at the time. I just knew I hated it and was always hungry.

    It wasn’t about not being able to afford food, but the absolute disinterest in fueling a body for the day. My junior year was packed with 8 classes and no lunch period to allow for drivers’ education. I was exhausted, and by about 3 weeks into the new year, I was cratering. A teacher noticed, and talked to me, which went to my guidance counselor (longtime family friend since I was 2 yrs old), and up to my dad (principal of that high school), and I got a royal chewing out for telling a teacher I was exhausted (and not really interested in waking up any longer). At any rate, I got to drop physics, and get a lunch period in.

    Not eating enough has always been my normal, even though my weight looks like I go to buffets and pull up a chair and fork right at the buffet. I’m sure my metabolic rate has gone into the postmortem range. There are links to undereating and weight gain.
    https://www.nutrisense.io/blog/can-undereating-cause-weight-gain?srsltid=AfmBOopekWvw_SGX2HmkyuLeoUz2NAnV-EX4mqPqnam7jk3jfpz6hnyq

    And I’m terrified to eat more, which keeps me stuck because I don’t trust my body to work right and yet I’ve never given it a chance. I was not overweight in high school but it was during a time when everyone was trying to lose weight whether they needed to or not. So, I don’t know how to cram more in (while also getting fluids in without the NG tube) to bump up my intake. I get full really fast, and none of that discomfort has lessened in the past 4 years. I’ve eaten more in the last four years than I ever did prior getting ‘help’, and I’m pretty much over it. There are still fear foods. Not all fear foods are because of weight, but because of gout pain that is bad enough to fear.

    For now, to help lessen stress about eating, I have cut back some. I want this excessive muscle gone. I’m still making sure there are enough carbs for my kidneys, and getting fluids in, but that’s about it. If a whole bag of Orville Redenbacher’s Smart Pop microwave popcorn is what sounds good, then that’s lunch- 240 calories for the whole bag. That’s all I can manage now- just eating what sounds good and doesn’t panic my head. I still have to keep track of everything for insulin doses and making sure protein doesn’t go too high. That doesn’t help ‘free up’ any non-restricting thoughts, but whatever. Right now, I need no pressure. And no rules (other than carbs and fluids). I also hope that at some point I can let go of these rules in my head, and be more relaxed about eating in general.

    Eating has always been something that feels like I’ve done something wrong just by fueling my body and I know that sounds nuts. I have to ‘undo’ the stuff I learned as a young child and grew up knowing as ‘normal’ when it was anything but. I’m still listening to Tabitha Farrar and Elisa Oras, and others on YouTube. My logical head knows what they say is valid. My ED head can’t come to grips with that thing in the mirror needing to be fed, and fed more. I’m still listening for something that can break through this wall of shame around eating. I also wonder what I’d be like now if I hadn’t been bribed to lose weight as a 6-7 year old, or lived in a house that was always restricting. I’ll never know.

  • I’m So Tired Of All Of This; It’s Hard To Eat In This Body

    I’m So Tired Of All Of This; It’s Hard To Eat In This Body

    Image- general online search

    I don’t know how to do this. There is no interest in food- and not just my eating disorder ‘head’. Physically, nothing sounds good. I have stuff here that I “should” like, but there’s no interest in eating it. I’ve been forcing food that seems “normal” but not anything that stirs up too much fear. I’ve given up on trying to get more protein in. If I happen to want it, OK (still have to limit quantity because of kidneys and gout), but I’m not putting extra effort into seeking it out. I just want to be ‘normal’, whatever that is, and when I look in the mirror, I just see a disgusting body that is not deserving of food. I wouldn’t see someone else, my size or larger, and deny them food- but it’s something that has been in my head for over 55 years. I don’t deserve what others do, even if it’s just food to stay alive.

    I’ve been trying to do ‘low pressure’ foods- like cereal and milk for breakfast, a baked potato for lunch, and some broccoli, rice, and peanuts for dinner. That doesn’t get enough calories or protein in for the day- and I’m sick of forcing the ‘numbers’ to come out right. I don’t want to think about it… and yet it’s all I think about. There is always something in my head telling me not to eat ‘enough’, though I’ve never gotten any consistency with the calorie amount set up as my goal- I haven’t gotten close to that.

    With protein, it seems that a break now and then isn’t such a bad idea if it can reduce the workload of my kidneys. I know a good chunk of the weight I gained when I tried to eat more is because of muscle gain. My legs used to be atrophied enough that the tendon on the side of my leg, near my knee, was visible- and the reason I ended up with a wheelchair for longer distance walking. Now, my thighs are like bricks with some fat over them. My right bicep had basically disintegrated, but now is much larger. I know muscle is good, but I don’t want it if it means more weight, and muscle weighs more than fat.

    I’m still trying, but I’m tired of it. I haven’t quit eating, but I’m not willing to spend so much time trying for something that feels uncomfortably excessive, no matter what the numbers say. I just want to pick at the things I do like and if it works out, fine. If it doesn’t, then so be it. Getting the “food rules” from the ex-therapist out of my head is taking a while, but going better. I’m more interested in being comfortable, and not forcing stuff I have no interest in consuming. I still aim for enough carbs to avoid acute renal failure again, but that’s the most I’m doing right now.

    The worst thing I’ve ever done was go on the extreme restriction ‘diet’ in the summer of 1981… the second was seeking help from someone who ended up causing more damage. Undoing the damage, and also trying to ‘rewire’ my brain by doing the opposite of what my eating disorder head says is exhausting, and doesn’t move very quickly. To get ‘positive’ stuff into my head, I’m using a radio station 24/7 that has upbeat songs (happens to be contemporary Christian music with a lot of mental health ‘boosting’ songs). I do wake up with positive messages from the songs going through my head, so that is good. The volume is low enough not to bother my sleep, but loud enough that if I don’t have anything else on (movies, videos), I can hear the songs playing softly.

    I’m so tired, but I haven’t quit.