Atypically Recovering: On My Own No Matter How This Goes

Tag: medical students

  • Trying To Find A Normal I never Knew

    Photo: mine

    Navigating ‘normal eating’ has been overwhelming, confusing, and I have no idea how I get to the point of being free of this restrictive disorder. I have doubts that I will. In many ways, I’ve accepted that I won’t ever be truly free from this. I don’t have a frame of reference for ‘normal’ eating, since it wasn’t part of my childhood and adolescence. Nutrition wasn’t valued, and the cost of food determined the frequency and how many meals/portions could be squeezed out of a can of something meant for 2 people.

    Restricting was my parents’ only way of dealing with food. For my dad, who didn’t have very refined tastebuds, there were two categories of food- “I like it.” “I don’t want that again”, but if it was expensive, he might have loved something, but price dictated everything. He changed in his later years, going out to lunch often with his friends. He wasn’t a bad guy. He just didn’t value adequate meals or have any interest in nutrition. But he’d ‘graze’ all day (on what, I’m not sure since we couldn’t have the foods he couldn’t stay out of in the house). He was normal weight. He said he was chunky in high school, but photos don’t show that.

    For my mom, it was all about being on a perpetual diet, though the specifics could get cloudy at times. She didn’t cook much, and we very, very rarely went to restaurants unless we were traveling, but even in Europe, we had envelopes of lemonade powder and a 2 liter thermos she mixed it in, and that was for all three of us for the day. We might get water later. Otherwise, she was always getting some new diet, or group to go to- Weight Watchers, Diet Workshop, etc. Some of that food wasn’t bad. She was thrilled when I wanted to diet, even though most of them were incredibly unhealthy. Her weight went from ‘hangry’ to overweight, but not by a lot.

    A typical day for me in high school included skipping breakfast, a pickle, carrot sticks, and salami for lunch, and whatever budget dinner was on the menu in the evening. Kraft Spaghetti box meal (tangy one) was one of the favorites. I figured out that I might have averaged between 700-900 calories/day in high school… and that was fine with my folks- they didn’t know the ‘numbers’, but had no issue with my starvation diet since they were generally in the same boat, though didn’t realize it at the time. I just knew I hated it and was always hungry.

    It wasn’t about not being able to afford food, but the absolute disinterest in fueling a body for the day. My junior year was packed with 8 classes and no lunch period to allow for drivers’ education. I was exhausted, and by about 3 weeks into the new year, I was cratering. A teacher noticed, and talked to me, which went to my guidance counselor (longtime family friend since I was 2 yrs old), and up to my dad (principal of that high school), and I got a royal chewing out for telling a teacher I was exhausted (and not really interested in waking up any longer). At any rate, I got to drop physics, and get a lunch period in.

    Not eating enough has always been my normal, even though my weight looks like I go to buffets and pull up a chair and fork right at the buffet. I’m sure my metabolic rate has gone into the postmortem range. There are links to undereating and weight gain.
    https://www.nutrisense.io/blog/can-undereating-cause-weight-gain?srsltid=AfmBOopekWvw_SGX2HmkyuLeoUz2NAnV-EX4mqPqnam7jk3jfpz6hnyq

    And I’m terrified to eat more, which keeps me stuck because I don’t trust my body to work right and yet I’ve never given it a chance. I was not overweight in high school but it was during a time when everyone was trying to lose weight whether they needed to or not. So, I don’t know how to cram more in (while also getting fluids in without the NG tube) to bump up my intake. I get full really fast, and none of that discomfort has lessened in the past 4 years. I’ve eaten more in the last four years than I ever did prior getting ‘help’, and I’m pretty much over it. There are still fear foods. Not all fear foods are because of weight, but because of gout pain that is bad enough to fear.

    For now, to help lessen stress about eating, I have cut back some. I want this excessive muscle gone. I’m still making sure there are enough carbs for my kidneys, and getting fluids in, but that’s about it. If a whole bag of Orville Redenbacher’s Smart Pop microwave popcorn is what sounds good, then that’s lunch- 240 calories for the whole bag. That’s all I can manage now- just eating what sounds good and doesn’t panic my head. I still have to keep track of everything for insulin doses and making sure protein doesn’t go too high. That doesn’t help ‘free up’ any non-restricting thoughts, but whatever. Right now, I need no pressure. And no rules (other than carbs and fluids). I also hope that at some point I can let go of these rules in my head, and be more relaxed about eating in general.

    Eating has always been something that feels like I’ve done something wrong just by fueling my body and I know that sounds nuts. I have to ‘undo’ the stuff I learned as a young child and grew up knowing as ‘normal’ when it was anything but. I’m still listening to Tabitha Farrar and Elisa Oras, and others on YouTube. My logical head knows what they say is valid. My ED head can’t come to grips with that thing in the mirror needing to be fed, and fed more. I’m still listening for something that can break through this wall of shame around eating. I also wonder what I’d be like now if I hadn’t been bribed to lose weight as a 6-7 year old, or lived in a house that was always restricting. I’ll never know.

  • Slipping with fluid intake

    Image: Online search (not my photo)

    After 2 months without the NG tube for supplemental fluids, I’m coming to a point where I have to decide how long I can coast with the bare minimum fluid intake for my kidneys. There have only been a handful of days that I’ve gotten 2 liters in… most days it’s about 1500-1700 cc, so the bare minimum for where I’m at with stage 3b CKD (chronic kidney disease). To say I’m disappointed is a gross understatement. I want to be rid of the tube for good, and thought that I’d been making some progress, but truth is I have not.

    SO, I’m not sure how to do this for a permanent ‘fix’. My thoughts are that if I continue to drink the 1500-1700 (or as much as I can get down- more if possible), I could just use the tube to supplement the balance, and gradually increase what I drink in smaller increments, so I don’t end up with more reflux and bloating. This also impacts food intake, but that will always be second to fluids in terms of importance. I also have been struggling with electrolytes some days (not all). I’m not supposed to limit sodium a lot, but if I notice more swelling in my ankles and feet, I am supposed to cut back some. But I still need ‘enough’, which for me, to avoid severe muscle cramping, that’s between 2500 and 3000 mg of sodium.

    It’s been so nice not to be hooked up to a bag of fluids for hours each day, and to just be able to get up and do things without having to disconnect everything. It’s been great not having something hanging out of my face, making me look more ‘different’. It’s been great not feeling the tube. I don’t mind drinking water (usually with a bit of lime juice powder), and have tried various other things like sparkling unsweetened water, Spindrift, and the only flavor of Ollipop that I like (Crisp Apple). But volume tolerance is still a significant issue. That’s been the entire purpose of the tube- to bypass the volume issue by getting fluids in more slowly. And it worked, but who wants some stupid tube, or to be hooked up to something for 6-8 hours a day?

    It’s been something that I’ve been thinking about for several weeks, and I can’t wait a lot longer to make a decision. I can’t risk more kidney damage. I won’t do dialysis, so I have to protect what I have. And yet, I don’t want the tube. But I also have to be logical. I’m discouraged. I know I’ve given this a fair trial period, and now, I need to do what is safer, but feels like failure. I’m enough of a freak with food, and having the tube just feels like more ‘defectiveness’. But my kidneys… if I know that I didn’t do something and the CKD gets worse, that would be really hard to deal with, knowing I had a way to help prevent it, but didn’t.

    I’ve been having more frequent headaches with nausea, which could also be a fluid/electrolyte thing. I’m also exhausted. My blood pressure and heart rate are doing well ‘enough’, so that’s good- I haven’t entered dangerous territory again, and I need to do something before I get back to that point. My nursing knowledge needs to take the lead on this, and not my fear of fluid weight and not wanting to ‘fail’ this. Two months is the longest I’ve gone without the NG since July of 2022. I tried, and did better than I have with multiple previous attempts, but it’s not enough of a buffer to keep my kidneys protected. Bare minimums aren’t enough for days that I tolerate less by mouth. I know what I have to do. I just hate that I’m not doing better without it.

  • The Idea Of Eating More Feels Like I’m Jumping Off Of A Very High Bridge

    Image: Online search; not mine

    I’m still thinking about the HDRM way of doing recovery, and in my nursing brain, it makes sense. My eating disorder brain is going apoplectic. I’ve been struggling with food intake for a long time (starting when I was still with my ex-therapist, after getting to a bit more of a mechanical vibe to eating, but never getting to the goal calorie target). I WANT to rip the bandaid off of the fear of food, and yet I don’t know how. I’ve thought of challenges to ‘break me in’ to eating more, but haven’t been able to do that.

    I’ve thought about trying to eat one meal in the higher calorie ‘zone’, but freeze up when I try to figure out what that would look like. I’ve thought about a single day of “whatever sounds good”, and suddenly nothing sounds even tolerable. I’ve thought of eating old favorite foods, and that doesn’t happen either. I’ve told myself that I can stop if it’s too hard, so my head has an ‘out’, not that I’d want to stop if I was doing OK, but to reduce the pressure to be ‘perfect’.

    The ED voice has gotten louder, and I’ve gone backwards. Calorie limits reign supreme. I’m back to single ingredients, fruit cups, and the occasional frozen sushi (thawed, of course) or stuffed grape leaves. The ex-therapist offered to help again, but I am still not trusting any of that process after 3 1/2 years did nothing to get me well. I got more food in- more than in the rest of my life for that long of a period. And it doesn’t feel great, but it doesn’t feel great to be sliding backwards, either.

    To be honest, I quit trusting the former process after I was asked to pay double for six months for more intensive contact with the ex-therapist, and within a week or so, she went MIA with a new patient who moved in with her, and left me wondering where in the hell everyone was for over a week (this was after daily contact of some sort, either a message or call), and got in contact with a patient who was further along than I was, and she let me know that everyone was OK, but there had been an unexpected situation (turns out that was the new patient ). So, other patients were set off to the side, and I was one of them.

    Though I’m no longer a patient, there has been some email contact, which is benign enough. The ex-therapist suddenly found several emails from many months ago. I wonder why it took so long to see them. If she had, she wouldn’t have had the “I didn’t know you felt like this” reaction. I’ve been telling her for months what the impact was on me, as well as prior to the final 9 months. And she didn’t even see the emails. She always saw the ones regarding money.

    When I disagreed with her on a specific topic that she’s brought up before (and when I disagreed, she asked “what the fuck is wrong with you?”- so therapeutic), coming from totally different frames of reference, this is a direct quote from that email – “you have seen some horrendous things that  may have challenged your mind about what was right or wrong ” …. SERIOUSLY? It’s MY flippin’ opinion. MINE. I get that. NOBODY tells me what I’m thinking is wrong just because it disagrees with them. What I saw that related to that topic (patient self-determination about when they ‘opt out’ after debilitating and unsurvivable medical diagnoses) was the gift of being allowed to go in peace, like we do for our pets when there is nothing left to be done other than to extend the final kindness. She insisted that everyone wants to live (speaking from a mental health vs medical POV), and that simply isn’t true. I’ve known too many people who have opted out AND who have had to suffer until the bitter end with no relief in sight from both medical and mental heath diagnoses. I’m not saying I like the idea of people being so desperate for peace that they off themselves, but I get it. Nobody wants to hurt indefinitely from mental illness, either. But somehow I’m morally wrong… ?

    Anyway, I’m still working on finding some way to try HDRM, and have sent the basics off to the dietician I used to see for her opinion, and I’m sure I’ll hear back. But I do know that HDRM follows the same principles as those I watch on YouTube who have gotten well. Like ALL of them. I think it sounds good from a research and scientific info I’ve seen. There does need to be enough calories for organ and tissue repair. Now to work on the terror of those calories. The folks on YouTube had weight to gain, though HDRM says that’s not relevant to needing calories for repair. I still have a lot of trouble justifying feeding what I see in the mirror.

  • I Found Something Interesting… A Final Chance?

    Photo: online search for free photos; not my photo

    https://www.edinstitute.org

    I came across a short video by someone on YouTube that I respect and find to have very solid information on healthy eating disorder recovery. She talked about the Homeo-dynamic Recovery Model (HDRM). The link above goes to the main website for this model, and has a LOT of articles and research (able to be duplicated, and conforms to the scientific method of research). It’s been very interesting, and I sent the links to the dietician I used to see for her thoughts- I will hear back from her after she’s had a chance to review the materials.

    BUT, something this model goes into more detail about is the amount of calories needed to repair organs and bodily systems. I’ve never made it to my maintenance calorie goal, and the MINIMUM I’d need to consume for organ repair is about double what I’m struggling to get in now. And I’m terrified of the weight gain that is inevitable with that. But I’m also intrigued at the idea of organ repair (especially my kidneys). The minimums are non-negotiable (though this is for adults in the community who are responsible for themselves) because with maintenance, there’s nothing left for repair. It makes sense, and it’s scary.

    Because of medical issues (diabetes, chronic kidney disease/CKD, and gout), protein amounts can’t go up with the calories, so that means a lot more carbs, and a LOT more fat. The same dietician ‘liberated’ peanut butter about 6-7 years ago when she told me I was under-eating and that in order to burn fat, I needed to consume fat (talk to your own healthcare provider for what is right for your body). So, that means that I’d need a lot of nuts, nut butters, olives, coconut, and avocados/guacamole. It’s something I need to work out like I did with the old diabetic exchange lists, and modify it to do this.

    The thing that keeps sticking with me is the term “homeo-dynamic” instead of homeostasis- and that makes so much sense. While the body tries to maintain a state of homeostasis, it’s a constant ‘living’ adaptation to conditions at the time, and therefore more ‘dynamic’ and not ‘static’. It’s acknowledging that there isn’t some constant state, but a continually sensing and correcting all that it can when something is out of whack. Anyone who has been abusing their body is out of whack. Damage has been done in varying degrees. By acknowledging that damage needs more calories to repair, and that the body is constantly adjusting to get to an optimal state, this makes sense to me.

    It’s an offshoot of the Maudsley Method, that has been around for ages and has research linked to it. Most of the Maudsley Method patients are teens or young adults still living at home with family based therapy at its core. HDRM is designed for adults who are not in hospital or treatment centers, and able to make decisions and monitor themselves, as hard as that is. The one non-negotiable ‘rule’ is the calorie ‘minimums’… there are no maximums, which terrifies me because of being in a larger body to start with. But if it could repair some of the things that I’ve trashed with 50+ years of restricting/being restricted? That’d be such a win.

    I’m thinking of challenging a single meal, or a single day, just to get an idea of what it would be like. I don’t have good volume tolerance, and would have to pick foods that are calorically very dense- sounds like a definite first world problem, but it’s incredibly inconvenient, and when the bloating gets bad, it’s painful. And the eating disorder thoughts will be brutal- that’s a given. But I’m willing to consider a different way of looking at things, especially when one of the YouTubers I respect used it herself, and is now well and in her second pregnancy.

    I don’t have much to lose in trying, other than being freaked out when gaining a bunch of weight. I have to tell myself that I can stop, because feeling backed into a corner isn’t a good place to be. And also keep telling myself that once damage is repaired, my body can turn its attention to what my natural set point is, and where my weight is supposed to level off. So, I have work to do to figure out how much of what foods will work within the medical restrictions, but I’ve had to do that before.

    There’s also a book with all of the articles in it (good for highlighting and making notes):
    “Recover From Eating Disorders” by Gwyneth Olwyn

    Article on calorie needs from the EDI site:
    https://www.edinstitute.org/orientation-basics/food-is-the-foundation?rq=minimum%20calories

  • Back To Regular Programming

    Back To Regular Programming

    Photo: mine

    This week has been a little weird, but not bad. My incisions from the scalp surgery are healing, and I’ll get the stitches out in a few days. It’s been pretty amazing how little pain I’ve had. I was skeptical of not getting pain meds, and being told to take Tylenol, but it’s been fine. I haven’t even taken Tylenol past the 2nd or 3rd day post-op. I slept a LOT the first few days, and waited to resume the THC for sleep for 4-5 nights, but definitely needed it to help me get back into my ‘normal’ sleep schedule. It’s not ‘normal’ to most people, but I sleep better at during the day (avoids the heat of the day- and it’s been HOT, in the 90sF/33+C), and being awake at night (cooler, can get more done). So, that is all getting back to baseline. I took out the trash at 4:40 a.m. because the temp at the time was 70F, and that was the coolest part of the day. The sun was just starting to come up, so it wasn’t totally dark outside, and very peaceful.

    There was some email contact with my former therapist. She wanted to know how the surgery went. The exchanges were nice. I still don’t want to speak to her, but there’s no lingering bitterness so that is good. Moving on.

    I took out the NG tube last Monday- this is the longest I’ve gone without it since the summer of 2022 when I put it in. I hope I can keep it out. So far, I’ve been able to drink enough, which can mean I’m too full on fluids to have room for much food. I do better with fairly small portions of nutritionally dense foods. I still don’t care much about protein, but get some in. It’s better to just do what is comfortable, and not have food be so much more demanding of mental energy. There are some really good sparkling waters out there. My current favorite is Spindrift Tropical Punch- very noticeable guava, which I like.

    Food is still problematic for my ‘head’, though I’ve been trying some new things that don’t have ‘scary numbers’. I’m learning that I need to do the most ‘complicated’ foods early in the day when I have more energy. They’re still fairly simple, but food that has to be cooked or ‘babysat’ takes up energy I often don’t have. If I get a spurt of energy, I’ll do some veggie prep to make the next meals easier. The new things have been really good. I’ve heard of many of them, but just never had the chance to eat them before. They’ve been a pleasant surprise, and part of my ‘stash pantry’. They still have to ‘fit’ into the ‘numbers’ or my head freaks out and I end up immobilized mentally. Juggling ‘keeping the peace’ with my head, and getting enough in to avoid further organ damage is exhausting. Freeing up when I eat specific things is helpful. The fewer rules the better, though I still feel like there are many more rules than not.

    I still watch different kinds of ‘normal eaters’ on YouTube when I eat, for distraction and to see how people without eating disorders manage food. Many also give me ideas of things to try. Tonight I watched an episode of “Sorted Food” where they ate ( many) and made lobster rolls. Lobster is way outside of my budget, but surimi lobster is very doable and I like it, so I am going to try that soon as a lobster roll. The biggest fear with that is the bread. But I’ve got to get carbs in some way, so for a lobster roll bread is the most logical option. I found a brioche hotdog bun that is sliced on the top, and I think that will work; numbers aren’t terrifying. I’ve had real lobster rolls in the past, and like them, so I hope that carries over to the faux version. YouTube content creators that aren’t ED recovery focused likely have no idea how their videos are used to help reframe how food is viewed. It’s a very slow process, but it is helpful. I still watch a couple of ED focused channels, but for the most part, I’ve opted to watch more of the non-ED folks.

    It’s hard to believe that the year is half over. Time goes too quickly, and I’m working on some kind of ‘schedule’ to get some things done, at a doable pace. Even 30 minutes a day would be useful, and not super overwhelming. I might have to split that into 2 parts, but that’s OK. It still gets things done.

  • Finally To The Point of Feeling More Free From The Past Four Years

    Finally To The Point of Feeling More Free From The Past Four Years

    Photo: Mine

    The last three of the past four years have been so difficult with not getting the help I paid for, and feeling like I was worth less than any other patient, but that has started to lift significantly after the last (and hopefully final) email with my ex-therapist. I never have to feel that level of despair and dismissal again. It’s like none of the mind games have stuck, and my head is free from the stress of all of it. But no matter what happens with the food (my head is still not OK), I feel so much stronger emotionally since I’m no longer being emotionally manipulated, and the additional food rules (more restriction) are no longer obligatory. I don’t feel the fear of not doing what she said, or potentially getting lectured about weird food rules that didn’t relate to any of my medical issues. Also, no more supplements to try, leaving me to have to Google them to make sure they were kidney disease safe; many were not. Baking soda might sound benign, but acid-base balance isn’t something to mess with. And not being asked for money for personal or family reasons, when I’m on a fixed income and have explained all I’ve had to give up for financial reasons has been amazing. When I’m strapped financially, I adjust my budget, and would expect the same from someone who is inappropriately trying to fleece others. I resented being seen as an ATM.

    I’m sleeping better, and longer (I do use medical THC to sleep, though for a while even that wasn’t helping; it is working again). I don’t wake up expecting to fall short of food rules that just restricted more. I don’t wonder if yet another plan to get a phone call will let me down again with no regard to how hard that was to deal with for years after many requests to just call when she was ready to talk then. I never wanted more food- quite the opposite; I didn’t see the need to feed this body more than I had been prior to overt restriction relapse in May 2021. The ongoing, more lifelong restricting is still a problem, but no rules. My head dictates quantities, but it’s eased up on any absolute ban on foods or food groups. That might be a couple of bites of something that looks interesting, but I don’t have to finish anything that I just want to try. Some is saved for another day, or I learn whether or not I like something. Win-win.

    A couple of friends came over to help me get food out of the apartment that I won’t use, so they could take them to food banks. That gives me some space to move things around my apartment, albeit slowly since I only have one speed, and it’s not very speedy. But that’s OK as long as I can make some kind of weekly progress. It takes a few days to recover from being up and active for more than 15-20 minutes, as it triggers the autonomic symptoms. I’m still not good with activity, but I’m working on it. I am mulling over a conversation with one friend about a bread/baked goods subscription I really like for their sourdough rolls and croissants that have ‘numbers’ that don’t freak me out. I have them a few times a month. My friend commented that she wouldn’t choose bread to end up on her hips, which took me back a bit (more restriction). She’s a sweet person, but that was hard to hear. Like because I have bread occasionally that’s why I’m fat. I didn’t start eating bread again until last year sometime. People in most countries have bread or a bread ‘replacement’ with every meal. I’d started regaining weight a couple of years before that, and am still struggling to get it off.

    With summer, it’s going to be a bunch of grab-and-go foods that don’t take much prep or cooking. It’s too hot for that, and hot food makes things miserable. I don’t mind warming something up in a pan, but that’s about it. Nut and raisin mix is a quick dinner (prepackaged), as is any pre-fab food that requires no babysitting when it’s being prepared. I found a military MRE component that is a nice fruit flavored bar that helps when I can’t get carbs sorted out with something else.

    Sleeping better has been really helpful. I still wake up worn out, but at least I’m sleeping. My hours are totally flipped around, but I like being up at night- it’s cooler to work in the garage, and nice to sleep during the heat of the day. It’s good to be able to relax a bit before surgery in 2 weeks for some recurrent scalp cysts. The chaos of sporadic “therapy” no longer being a factor has been really good. I’m still settling into my ‘old normal’, but the internal freedom of no longer being controlled in absentia has been amazing.

  • Bleh Week (I Miss My Sweet Girl)

    Bleh Week (I Miss My Sweet Girl)

    Photo: Mine -22 May 2025 (minutes after I let my sweet girl go in peace)

    This week has been kind of weird, so I’m thankful for a day without triggers. I did have an appointment with a surgeon on Monday, but was able to chill out after that. I’ll have surgery in a month on multiple scalp cysts (again; this is the fourth time having more than one removed at a time). With dyautonomia, this time of year can be a minefield of chaos with temperatures going up. I don’t thermoregulate well, so higher temps usually mean I’m in for the duration (generally May-September). Too warm (over 65 degrees F) means I’m prone to passing out, so staying home is a safety thing. Now I’m arguing with an opinionated thermostat that keeps wanting to have the temp at 65F. I don’t need that chill, or the electric bill that will come with it. I can tolerate 66-67F indoors with residual cool from the air conditioner and no sunlight.

    The first anniversary of my dog’s death was on Friday. She never knew me working, so we never spent a day or night apart, for over 12 years. She was my reason for existing, and only nearby ‘family’. I miss her so much, but she let me know it was time to be allowed to go in peace, and she did. She was in my arms, and knew I was there (though a bit dopey from pre-procedure sedation). She knew I was talking to her, and that’s what mattered. The three dogs I’ve had since living on my own all died in my arms, as hard as it was. I couldn’t let them think I just left them with the vet and didn’t care. It’s painful, but that’s love– being there for the hard stuff, not just when it’s convenient. She was the closest I’ve ever been to a living thing. She knew my every move (and followed me everywhere). The enthusiastic greeting I’d get when I came in the door, whether after an hour or two because of appointments or tests, or five minutes after taking out the trash, was always the same. I was her world and she was mine. I miss that, and know that I’m not physically or financially able to get another dog, especially with my apartment being a nightmare mess that is taking forever to get sorted out. She really deserves her own post, but I’m not sure i want to share much of her yet.

    There were some SNAFUs with my tax payment (sent at the end of March), as well as coverage for my CPAP machine which left me unglued that day. It all got taken care of the next morning, but any unexpected chaos is never welcome. I sent an email to my ex-therapist that day, which I shouldn’t have done, though the interaction was benign. I just need to move on. She offered weekly phone calls, but I’ve heard the phone call plans before. I declined. I don’t want to set myself up for more missed calls, since she already put a caveat for why calls could be missed. So…. no thanks. More health issues for her per her, though a patient who let her know about this blog didn’t seem to know she’d been ill. She didn’t mention it when I sent her a message (she’d sent me a message one time many, many months ago that I’d sent a short reply in response). I hadn’t mentioned the blog. I guess some people get the well therapist, while I got the one with intermittent and chronic illnesses of all sorts that were the often reasons for many missed calls, over the nearly 4 years I’ve known her. I hope she’s OK, and wish her well. I’m just not needing someone who may or may not be there. I needed someone to help me get well and what I paid nearly $33K USD for, that was agreed on when i started. She said she wanted me as a friend. I wasn’t looking for that when I contacted her either. I’m not sure when that changed for her. She doesn’t call ‘friends’ when she says she will either, evidently. But we both left the door open, so if that ends up being the last contact, it was on decent terms.

    Food continues to be a problem. I’m aiming for bare minimums to keep my kidneys working, and hoping that some leg muscle goes away because of how bulky my thighs are. I’m already disgusted by what I see in the mirror; protein just taxes my kidneys and makes me look like an even bigger sow. But taking away the previous minimums has calmed my head down, which makes life less internally antagonistic. I’m focused on carbs and enough calories to keep doctors happy. I should still lose weight. Minimum carbs are 150 grams/day, and then I pad the other 400-500 calories with healthy fats and a little protein. Nothing is forced or mandated otherwise.

    I was notified that the male humanoid who raped/beat/sodomized me for 6 hours in 1987 was being considered for less supervision on parole. He hasn’t been out long this time, and had only been out on parole for 39 days when he attacked me. I told Texas that the next victim was on them. I’m done with spending time every 3 years (or less if he’s been out, screwed up, and went back to prison) telling them why someone who has offended ON parole every time he’s been ‘out’ since the 1970s shouldn’t be out.

    Today is fairly quiet, which is nice. I’ll likely watch something on Netflix or YouTube later (no TV accessible). Typical night. I don’t sleep well at night, so find ways to stay occupied. Moving some things around or collecting trash slowly is also on the agenda. I can’t get much done at one time, so it’s all in bits and pieces as I can tolerate it. At least at night, it’s cool enough to function more safely.

  • My Head Is Shifting & It’s Not Good

    My Head Is Shifting & It’s Not Good

    Photo: Mine

    I’m not drowning, but I know there’s been a shift about getting back to an earlier weight that wasn’t my goal, but it’d ‘do’ for now. I gained a lot of muscle when I started pushing up calories back in 2023 (Autumn) after discussing it with my dietician and I went too fast. I wanted to get it over with, but I regained everything from that part of the relapse. This is the longest I’ve actively restricted (vs. my family’s ‘normal’ restriction) in my life. I relapsed 5 years ago this month after a medical procedure that left me somewhat exposed for the prep, and I was mortified (they did nothing wrong). Within 3 months, I lost 40 pounds and ended up in acute renal failure because of cutting out carbs too much, and gained it back while trying to get my kidneys in better shape, which I did. Then I lost 60 pounds, and regained that- so within 5 years, I’ve lost/gained/lost/gained 220 pounds… 100kg. That’s a LOT. I was with an ‘eating disorder expert’ for a lot of that last part. And, ended up in acute renal failure again.

    It’s so frustrating to know that even with ‘help’, I ended up in worse shape. Yes, I gained a lot of unwanted muscle, which weighs more than fat. I am eating about 2x the roughly 600cals/day that I was for most of the weight loss phases. I understand that food is fuel. But I don’t understand why I’m still so messed up after so long actively trying to do better, other than that was the ‘norm’ I grew up with and have existed with for most of my life. I’m trying to learn normal wherever I can.

    I remember watching an ‘Elzani’ YouTube video where her family had their usual Sunday roast chicken dinner. I was dumbstruck that they had 4-5 vegetables along with roast potatoes (a starch in diabetic world) at one meal ! I didn’t know people did that. I’m learning ‘normal’ by watching YouTube- go figure. I watch “Grackle” to watch someone without an eating disorder, and her family as they enjoy food for the sake of enjoyment. She’s naturally thin (whole family got stellar genes), and tries a lot of stuff. I also like trying things, but have noticed that my head is getting less tolerant, even if I only have 1-2 bites of a food deemed ‘bad’ or ‘unsafe’. IF I put something in the day’s food line-up that isn’t some kind of “eating disorder approved” fruit, veg, dairy, or starch AND it’s not the bare bones version of it, all of the numbers for the day still have to add up to a day without something ‘extra’… so it becomes not ‘extra‘.

    My ex-therapist gave me a food list (eventually; during the first 6 months, she told me what to eat and how much) and it was more like some 1970s diet plan but with no measurements to speak of (to avoid the whole numbers thing, but I have to know carbs for insulin and protein for kidney disease limitations). A ‘tablespoon’ is actually a cooking spoon to the ex-therapist- but even that is too vague. There was also a gross beginning of the whole refeeding part, with more ‘developmental’ foods like oatmeal, applesauce, hummus, yogurt, and 2 kefirs/day. When I moved on to more types of food that required teeth (insert rolling eyes emoji), she told me to cut grapes in half so I didn’t choke, like I was 2 years old. There is validity to going over developmental ‘stalls’ to get back to more of a chronological age that is in sync with emotional development, but cutting up the grapes? My throat is still 60+ years old. I have swallowing issues, but not with grapes. Speech therapy taught me how to navigate that. It’s still hard to have anything she didn’t ‘approve’ when I know that what I’m choosing is fine, and I don’t have any of the issues involved with some food/food groups she ‘banned’ a much as possible within my budget, which is most definitely an issue on disability…(nightshades, non-organic stuff, etc; I live in the US- our food supply is not ‘high brow’ or safe enough for her rules to allow me %100 ‘clean’ food with a fixed income). I like several things in the nightshade family (potatoes, eggplant, red/orange/yellow bell peppers) and not having them limited my options. I’ve gotten over that rule.

    I’m still working on remembering consistantly that everyone has a different type of body. Trying to shrink a miniature schnauzer into a teacup Yorkshire terrier is foolish to even consider- nobody would be able to justify starving the schnauzer to try and make it something it isn’t… but it’s what I’ve been doing (or had done to me) for 55+ years- and I’m still not a Yorkie, and never will be. Undoing that mindset is so difficult, even though logically I know it’s messed up. So, I don’t know what will happen next, other than I am still invested in keeping my kidneys functioning. I’ve caused a lot of permanent physical damage, and my go-to reaction to food is still keeping the ‘numbers’ OK as determined by my illogical eating disorder brain. If someone else was doing the same things I am, I’d see the problem for THEM, but not for me.

  • Uneventful Few Days, Thank God.

    Uneventful Few Days, Thank God.

    Photo: mine

    This roller coaster of emotions as I work through the therapy trauma as well as trying not to lose too much ground on the recovery front is exhausting, so having a few days without anything chaotic going on has been a welcome relief. I had a few routine semi-annual MD visits, which I never look forward to, but they went OK and the weather was cooler which minimizes driving anxiety with the dysautonomia/heat intolerance. Kidney function is a tiny bit worse but still in the same ballpark as it’s been. Parathyroid levels were still elevated, so bones are at risk (already have osteopenia), but meds were adjusted for that. It’s imperative that I don’t let my carbohydrate intake go too low in order to prevent another round of acute renal failure (already 2x in 5 years from carbs being too low). The NG tube is still responsible for roughly half of my fluid intake, so that is relieving some anxiety about fluid intake, and helps to minimize how much I have to do with one thing that is already hard. Whatever makes this easier is on the ‘approved’ list if it means keeping my kidneys functioning. The rest of the chronic stuff may or may not improve, but my kidneys will decline if I don’t keep carbs and fluids adequate.

    Emotionally, it’s been a bit less mellow, but with that I am fine with letting some disassociation kick in periodically if it means keeping my brain from spinning out. I will go into the disassociation more one day, when I’m feeling less conflicted about the last 4 years… it’s been that long since beginning active discussion with ex-therapist about being one of her patients. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take to work through the betrayal and exploitation, but I do hope that day comes. I try to remember good parts, and there were some, especially early on. If I can’t remember more of those times, then I don’t want to remember any of this. I don’t like not feeling like I’m ‘here’ enough to be mindful of what is going on, and at the same time being able to ‘check out’ helps with the days when I yearn for not being here at all. I’m not suicidal… I’m exhausted, traumatized, and overwhelmed. Disassociation can be a gift, even when it also feels weird and awkward to discuss. In some ways, it’s like very deep ‘daydreaming’ that gives my mind a break from current stressors. That’s a bit simplistic, but will do for now.

    It’s been 8 months since the ‘no call’ to discuss the 2nd colonoscopy prep, and since it never happened and the first prep was very noticeably way more than my stomach could hold, even though I didn’t get all of it in, I didn’t have that polyp removal scope. I was in acute severe pain for hours. It felt too physically risky. I have done preps before and was a laxative purger in the early years, as well as the 1995 relapse, so am familiar with how laxatives work. I should never have been THAT bloated or in THAT much pain with the first scope. For the GI doctors I saw, delayed gastric emptying (VERY common with eating disorders) seemed to be a foreign concept. That 2nd colonoscopy was to remove the large polyp and look for the others that were suspected based on the size of the 1.5cm one they got a photo of.

    Her refusal to speak to me as she said she would and degree of apathy spoke volumes. She also tried to tell me about some apparently horrible health issues of her own (vague, cryptic, and “won’t say more because I’m concerned about your health issues”… Uh, SERIOUSLY??) which was on brand whenever she either didn’t want to talk, or had someone else more important to cater to. But, nobody close to her seems to have any clue about any medical issues, so…. ??? It all felt like a way to avoid accountability for her erratic “therapy” and undependable phone call completion rate. Even though she said she was healthy during our first call, I heard about a broken front tooth, multiple issues with a chronic leg problem, asthma, migraines, “a flu” several times (likely food poisoning- IF anything with those since she didn’t report respiratory issues, and influenza IS a respiratory virus), some respiratory infections with no contact for a month, some mystery serious thing that she didn’t have treated- discovered by a pet (which I have heard of, but that she bailed on getting it properly diagnosed was weird- and was flying all over Europe a week after this ‘thing’, so ??), COVID and long-COVID at the same time (not a thing without having COVID before the long-COVID prior to reinfection- in a town with 300 cases among 140K people- and she was one of them? Possible? Yes. Probable? Like desert property in a swamp). Each time she told me of one of her medical issues, a little more detail was added. I was a nurse for 35 years, keeping my continuing education hours up, and some stories simply do not make sense.

    I doubt everything she ever said, especially looking back at patterns. New patient moving in (to her home, or another WhatsApp patient) meant radio silence and not even seeing messages for up to a week or so… she ‘shelved’ current patients who weren’t well yet for new ones who took more time, leaving those of us who were already ‘in’ “therapy” before she took on new ones she didn’t have time for . From online comments and the McClintock book, it always revolved around finding the patients who would likely pay more than those of us who were ‘shelved’ with a bit of ‘breadcrumbing’, though she’d agreed to the rates we all paid prior to starting, OR said she’d keep patients with no additional charges. And then ask for monthly money in varying amounts for her personal or adult child’s expenses (sadly, the older daughter was VERY rarely mentioned).

    People with eating disorders are already pretty good at feeling worthless, and her actions reinforced that I didn’t mean anything to her, especially after going through the money I’d set aside for therapy- and she continued to ask for more with decreasing contact. The “I love you like a daughter” gives me the creeps now. In a few seconds, I went from hoping for an idea that would help get through the colonoscopy prep to feeling absolutely kicked to the curb. Reminded me of one side of the family’s narcissistic callousness. If I would have listened to anyone about the prep, it would have been her. Since then, I’ve refused to speak to her when it was convenient for her. Worthlessness confirmed. “Therapy” done, and failed. All of the bullshit terms of endearment , compliments, agreeing with a LOT- it all feels fake, and I don’t know how long that takes to work through. Writing does help, however, and I thank you who read my yammering on about this. I hope it starts to fade soon.

    I’m not forcing food, but am trying to get in the minimums- though with protein I don’t see a big problem with giving my kidneys a bit of a break. I also have a lot more leg muscle and bicep muscle than 4 years ago. I don’t mind the bicep muscle but the leg muscle just looks like very pale tree trunks, so if that shrinks again, I won’t be at all upset. I’ve removed as many things as possible from the ‘forbidden list’ (as much as I can… works out fine until I try to actually eat ‘fear foods’ and think about the ‘numbers’). If I want soup for breakfast, so be it. If I want cereal for lunch, OK. If I need to get some protein in , but I’m not wanting anything edible, I toss some IsoPure Clear protein into the NG bag. I guess I’m in “whatever works” mode. Kinda like I have been since I was in my teens. It’s kept me alive this long, so I hope I still have time to get back to my baseline eating. It’s still considered restrictive, but I was stable. If I a get back to where I was prior to gaining weight on less than maintenance calories, I’ll evaluate to see if I can tolerate that weight. I don’t have to be an x-ray with skin, but enough lighter to improve mobility, pain, blood sugars, and kidney functioning (not sure about the last one being reversible). My independence depends on it. So, I’m very tired, but hanging on.

    Thank you for putting up with me. And a particular thank you to whoever is reposting these posts.

  • The Summer Of 1981- The Starvation Pact & Understanding Anorexia’s Mindset

    The Summer Of 1981- The Starvation Pact & Understanding Anorexia’s Mindset

    Photo: mine

    I was so excited to be working at a summer camp associated with the church I grew up in for the second summer in a row. I’d been a camper there for 7 summers for week long sessions, and the idea of 3 whole months, working in the nature center was the best way I could spend a summer. It was the summer before starting at the University of Illinois- Urbana-Champaign campus… and I was nervous. I was looking forward to going, but still felt insecure, and went to camp armed with a diet arsenal of a scale, cellulose tablets to fill me up, over the counter diet pills, and a calorie book. I wanted to look better. I’d been criticized about my weight since I was a young child by my mother, so no matter what I weighed, it never seemed good enough. She wanted a greyhound to somehow come from a cocker spaniel. And I wanted her approval for something.

    What I hadn’t planned on was a cabin counselor in the village I was assigned to, who gave me many tips after she noticed what I was doing. (Villages were about 4-6 cabins around a main shower/bathroom building with staff rooms upstairs). She was likely under 90 pounds that summer, and a bulimic anorexic. We became inseparable on days off.
    I lost 17 pounds the first week, and was ‘hooked’ to watching the numbers go down. Other staff were concerned, but nothing was reaching my adolescent ‘logical’ brain, and I just kept plowing through. I was down 40 pounds in 5 weeks, and another 5 by the end of the summer camping season. I’d been ‘seen’ doing what I was doing, but I’m not sure that anyone realized how much my buddy at camp was keeping me motivated to keep restricting more. But I arrived ‘primed’. She and I were more supportive of each other’s lousy disorders, but at the same time, we were friends, and kept in touch for years after camp. The folks at the camp did try to get me to stop what I was doing, but nothing got through my thick head.

    For those fortunate people who have no idea what an eating disorder feels like, I’ll try to explain it. First, the scale dictates a lot. If there’s a gain in weight, no matter what the weight is, more restriction is ‘required’ by the eating disorder ‘voice’. It’s not an audible voice, but more like loud thoughts, and they are not to be disobeyed. If they are, then more exercise or less food for a longer period of time is mandated. The next thing is watching calories going down in the food logs (there are almost always food logs). It’s a ‘high’ to see ‘disappearing’ or ‘shrinking’ however it happens. If the ‘numbers’ aren’t OK in the food log, then there’s more tendency to compensate, by more exercise, laxatives (my preference back then), diuretics (altered a prescription for those to get many more refills and pills per refill), vomiting (not my thing), or for some diabetics, they can very dangerously manipulate their insulin (that’s a line I won’t cross). It’s having a terrorist in your head that will do more damage if it’s not pleased with ‘progress’ and compliance.

    Gradually, more foods are eliminated and categorized as ‘bad’. ‘Bad foods’ are to be avoided at all costs, or the fear is that so much weight will come back that it’s paralyzing to be urged to eat ‘bad’ foods. It can be physically painful. When others, however well-meaning, try and force ‘bad’ food, it causes the ED to dig in even more. There is no weight low enough, no calories few enough, etc. It’s a never-ending cycle of eating less, not making weight goals, and being totally obsessed with all things about food. At the same time, there is hunger for a while, but after enough time under-eating/starving, hunger stops. Initially, I didn’t see why it was such a big deal. To be made to eat more than is deemed ‘safe’ is a legitimate panic trigger. My mind would go blank, and it seemed like I was being tormented by those who wanted me to eat more instead of realizing that it was the disorder reacting. And it’s exhausting.

    As far as ‘control’, it’s lost fairly quickly. The drive to keep going is all-encompassing, and outside ‘voices’ do little but fan the flames of the ED. Control is also messed up when the body rebels and triggers ‘binges’ to recoup some lost energy, which can lead to full-on bulimia, or eating less for the next several days, only to set up another binge. A lot of info is coming out now about how binge eaters are likely to be doing a fair amount of restricting between binges- and are not that unlike other restrictive eating disorders. Someone can be overweight and still restricting. Metabolism slows during restriction, so when the body is fed, by whatever means (binge, more balanced eating), the calories are stored as fat for the next ‘famine’.

    As time goes on, and more attempts at treatment are attempted, there is a changing awareness of how messed up things are, but still no power to change it without external, safe therapy. Most of us know how we look to other people, and that we’re not normal. And most of us want to be normal- we just can’t get there overnight. We know our food rules and behaviors aren’t healthy. We know our thinking- at least about food and weight is messed up, but many are hard working and high achievers in any other area.

    The mental part is largely due to starvation. The Ancel Keys “Minnesota Starvation Study” is a blueprint for turning a mind into an eating disorder maze of chaos. Thinking about food constantly, shopping for food, making food for others, avoiding eating food, for some- planning binges, sleeplessness, headaches, lousy concentration, inability to retain info from reading materials, and many other mental and physical symptoms are because of starvation. Food reverses this- I’ve been there, and yet I can’t just snap out of this relapse. It’s wanting SO badly to be back in a more ‘stable’ disorder- when my head still categorizes food, but I’m not in the ‘retribution’ part of the ED when I do/did eat.

    My parents were ‘OK’ with the rapid and extreme weight loss. They didn’t know at the time how messed up I was, or that it’d become a lifelong issue. My weight has fluctuated a lot from visible ribs to multiple chins but my thoughts about food stayed largely unchanged. My highest weights were from drinking calories in soda and juice after one outpatient program that forbade non-caloric liquids (like a death sentence when diet soda was its own food group). But my folks had no clue until the following February when I was sent to the psych hospital, and they were baffled about what the big deal was, even seeing me for a few weeks between camp and the U of I, and sending me suspenders to hold my jeans up. I was still ‘preemptively’ purging with laxatives, and while I tired to eat ‘enough’ if I had to eat around them or others, my head was beating me up a lot.

    That summer of 1981 changed my life for decades. It’s been 45 years, and I’m fighting the same ED voice. Each relapse strengthens the internal task master. If you have a child, or other friend or loved one who is showing signs of eating disorders, get them help sooner rather than later, or they will be eaten by the disorder.

  • Why Am I Still Bloating After Eating? ED or Colon Polyp Changes?

    Why Am I Still Bloating After Eating? ED or Colon Polyp Changes?

    Photo: mine

    My medical situation is complicated. I have various diseases and disorders which can make figuring out symptoms difficult. And I seem to have a list of diagnoses that makes me a favorite patient to send to various consultants, so nobody knows what the other guy/gal is doing. It gets very old. Some do a great job. Others tell me to tell my primary doc what’s going on. When I found out about the colon polyp (it’s large at 1.5cm), I wanted to talk to my ex-therapist about the ideas she’d mentioned briefly the day before, but when I messaged her to discuss some possible ways to make a very large prep easier (as she instructed), she had to “check her schedule” first. It felt like she told me to just go ahead and die (not her words, but that was the impact). She then told me of her various and incredulous medical issues, as if she were on death’s door- but was flying all over Europe or walking around London whenever she felt like it. Soon it was sick family, COVID & long COVID at the same time, etc. Felt like a huge slap in the face. She had time for other patients, but not to help me figure out a way to possibly eliminate something that could kill me if it evolves into cancer. Right now, it’s ‘just’ a large polyp with suspected other ones because of the size. GI wants it out, but not enough to work with me. Stepford patients.

    At any rate, I’m working on getting enough carbs and protein, as well as decent fats to avoid acute renal failure again (2x in 5 years is 2x too many), and the bloating that I expected to get better at some point (it’s been almost 4 years) is still acting up, though not consistently or with any rhyme or reason with types of foods. So, I tend to blame it on what I eat, but there are times when something feels different. I’m not willing to do another colonoscopy at this point since the GI docs won’t work with me on the volume/type of prep because of my kidney disease, even though my nephrologist signed off on a one time use of the products that worked nicely when i had a colonoscopy after I finished leukemia (APL) chemo, and was getting a new baseline work-up to know where I stood in terms of anything sketchy going on. It all went well. Colon was squeaky clean, and free of anything worrying. Great news !!

    I’m trying some anti-gas meds, but so far my old reliable Gas-X is not doing much. Next will be some hot tea to see if that eases the bloating (I’m in my 60s and look 6 months pregnant, with a shaved head that has about a dozen cysts/lipomas in various sizes- so i’m a weird sight to behold). The NG is also still hanging out of my nose- so I look like a candidate for a reboot of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”, and not as a nurse. I want this to settle down so I can move on with a plan to alternate what I eat to minimize protein issues, increase veggies and fruits, and work on eating what scares me in small amounts.

    I look like I need about 2 years at a fat farm, but the whole idea behind undoing eating disorder damage and head racket is to go through the hard part of eating in more normal ways and removing food ‘labels’ like ‘good’ and ‘bad’. I’m still terrified, and cannot ‘justify’ feeding what i see in the mirror. It’s horrifying- and yet logically I know that food is fuel, and even my inferior self needs it to live. I struggle with how worth it is it to keep doing what causes physical and emotional discomfort, but is also necessary. I WANT to be “normal”– and from what i understand, it’s about variety, socialization, enjoying the food, and not restricting (though I’m finding more ways to work medical food restrictions safely).

    Today was kind of a weird day, which always throws things off with food and fluid intake because of not wanting my plumbing (either way) to get triggered when I’m away from home (another side effect of pelvic floor muscle weakness from malnutrition). I also have a gut that has been put through hell for 50 years. I had an eye appointment (first in 9 1/2 years), and found out that I have a cataract in my right eye (not surgery time yet, especially with summer coming), and a much stronger prescription for glasses (expected that after so long), so $500 later (that was with the ‘no vision insurance’ package deal) I did get some answers about why I’ve had episodic headaches that are new, and why it’s so bloody hard to read without some kind of small microscope (labels in particular are written in microscopic print). Handheld magnifying glasses with lights are helpful, but I need something on my face to read books, articles, etc. I limit reading online for the same reason, though have the blue light filter thingie on my laptop.

    Anyway, I digress- the point was that changes in routine are tough to catch up on. It already takes a day before the appointment to get ready and shower, then the day of the appointment, it’s in and out of the car at least twice, and then a day or two to recover- so 3-4 days out of the week for a single appointment (I’ve had appointments 2 days in a row, and I’m feeling it in my SI joint- where the pelvis meets the sacrum). When I get home the day of the appointment, I have to catch up on whatever food and fluid I missed because of the ‘routine’ being messed up. I use ‘routine’ lightly, since I have an odd awake/sleep ‘schedule’ of maybe getting to sleep by 5 a.m. some days, and then sleeping until at least noon, but it could be crazier with not getting to bed until 8 a.m. and sleeping until 4-5 p.m. There’s no actual ‘routine’ other than I get up when I get up, and sleep when I sleep. I like sleeping during the day, especially in the warmer months when I can get more done later when the sun goes down- even inside it matters. This from someone who used to work 4 doubles a week at the coma stim job, and 8-16 hours for the others. I loved 12 hour weekends and Mondays, then off Tuesday-Friday.- lots of time for going out with my camera along the back roads of Texas. Or making the realistic dolls I paint, weight, and sell when my studio equipment is available. I miss those days, but if I ever get the energy to get my apartment sorted out, I can do the dolls again.

    But, I keep trying even though some days it feels like hell.

  • I’m So Tired Of All Of This; It’s Hard To Eat In This Body

    I’m So Tired Of All Of This; It’s Hard To Eat In This Body

    Image- general online search

    I don’t know how to do this. There is no interest in food- and not just my eating disorder ‘head’. Physically, nothing sounds good. I have stuff here that I “should” like, but there’s no interest in eating it. I’ve been forcing food that seems “normal” but not anything that stirs up too much fear. I’ve given up on trying to get more protein in. If I happen to want it, OK (still have to limit quantity because of kidneys and gout), but I’m not putting extra effort into seeking it out. I just want to be ‘normal’, whatever that is, and when I look in the mirror, I just see a disgusting body that is not deserving of food. I wouldn’t see someone else, my size or larger, and deny them food- but it’s something that has been in my head for over 55 years. I don’t deserve what others do, even if it’s just food to stay alive.

    I’ve been trying to do ‘low pressure’ foods- like cereal and milk for breakfast, a baked potato for lunch, and some broccoli, rice, and peanuts for dinner. That doesn’t get enough calories or protein in for the day- and I’m sick of forcing the ‘numbers’ to come out right. I don’t want to think about it… and yet it’s all I think about. There is always something in my head telling me not to eat ‘enough’, though I’ve never gotten any consistency with the calorie amount set up as my goal- I haven’t gotten close to that.

    With protein, it seems that a break now and then isn’t such a bad idea if it can reduce the workload of my kidneys. I know a good chunk of the weight I gained when I tried to eat more is because of muscle gain. My legs used to be atrophied enough that the tendon on the side of my leg, near my knee, was visible- and the reason I ended up with a wheelchair for longer distance walking. Now, my thighs are like bricks with some fat over them. My right bicep had basically disintegrated, but now is much larger. I know muscle is good, but I don’t want it if it means more weight, and muscle weighs more than fat.

    I’m still trying, but I’m tired of it. I haven’t quit eating, but I’m not willing to spend so much time trying for something that feels uncomfortably excessive, no matter what the numbers say. I just want to pick at the things I do like and if it works out, fine. If it doesn’t, then so be it. Getting the “food rules” from the ex-therapist out of my head is taking a while, but going better. I’m more interested in being comfortable, and not forcing stuff I have no interest in consuming. I still aim for enough carbs to avoid acute renal failure again, but that’s the most I’m doing right now.

    The worst thing I’ve ever done was go on the extreme restriction ‘diet’ in the summer of 1981… the second was seeking help from someone who ended up causing more damage. Undoing the damage, and also trying to ‘rewire’ my brain by doing the opposite of what my eating disorder head says is exhausting, and doesn’t move very quickly. To get ‘positive’ stuff into my head, I’m using a radio station 24/7 that has upbeat songs (happens to be contemporary Christian music with a lot of mental health ‘boosting’ songs). I do wake up with positive messages from the songs going through my head, so that is good. The volume is low enough not to bother my sleep, but loud enough that if I don’t have anything else on (movies, videos), I can hear the songs playing softly.

    I’m so tired, but I haven’t quit.

  • When Therapists Cause Way More Harm Than They Help

    When Therapists Cause Way More Harm Than They Help

    Image: Adobe Royalty-free stock images

    It’s hard to even comprehend how someone who is supposed to be a therapist can treat people like street garbage when they know their history of previous trauma. It’s having someone find out what will hurt the most, and then do that. In the 20 years I worked as a nurse, it never occurred to me to emotionally batter someone, or ignore why they were in the facility- to get help- and I took care of some pretty disturbed patients at times. But they were MY patients, and I was responsible for their care. It’s some serial killer mentality to make sport of hurting someone knowing that they’ve already been hurt. It’s manipulative emotional terrorism when it took so little to throw me away. There is no excuse. IF there really was something going on to limit the professional role, then the responsible thing to do is to let patients know that they are no longer able to be a therapist (and quit asking for money for bullshit ‘not-the-patient’s-problem’ personal stuff, especially knowing that I was on a fixed income).

    I was stupid not to read the ‘warnings’ before signing on with the person who hurt me way more than other things in my life that may sound worse. Therapists have very personal information to use when making the CHOICES to cause more pain. I’d repeatedly asked that I not be told a call would come in X hours/days to avoid the “she didn’t call… again” scenario, and she refused. I think she figured that a little contact (at her convenience) was better than no contact, and that simply isn’t true. She told me herself that I had abandonment and attachment trauma to work through, and then acted like I was a hobby to deal with after helping patients who obviously were more deserving of her time- though she had no problem taking my money for 3 years. So, she created more attachment issues, and abandoned me like a rotting animal carcass.

    That pedestal she has herself on must come with a lifetime supply of altitude sickness oxygen canisters. She made it very clear with the colonoscopy prep “no call” that I wasn’t worth helping to have the best outcome possible with the colon polyp/failed Cologuard test/abnormal MRI showing that there was cause to get the polyp out. Four people from the GI clinic (2 MDs, 2 RNs) emphasized the importance of getting the polyp out (but wouldn’t work with me on a volume I could tolerate). The physical feeling in my chest when she texted me “I’ll check my schedule” about discussing possible ways to make the prep easier was one of absolute worthlessness, and felt like my chest dropped about a foot. I wasn’t worth a phone call even if it could keep me alive. My life was nothing more to her than used toilet paper, after so many fake terms of endearment. After that, why would I get the polyp out? Why would I believe that I’m worth anything? Why would I ever want to speak to her after that, when I needed to talk to her the day she told me to message her, and she’d call me? Why did I waste so much time with someone who had been gradually and more frequently making it clear that I wasn’t worth her time? Why would I think that I’m worth going through hell again to remove the polyp? Why would I want to prolong my life? I’m obviously an idiot to think I’m anything but forgettable rubbish. I won’t actively end my life, but I won’t actively prolong it now, either. That ‘no call’ did a lot of damage.

    I wish I’d never contacted her. I wish I’d read the book and court ruling before trying to find her. I wish I wasn’t hoping for something that she obviously didn’t think was worth her time… getting well. I wish I hadn’t believed that she gave a damn about any of her “patients”. She told me more than once that she did 10 phone sessions a day… I wonder how many of them are feeling the way I do. I wonder how many more of her former patients (like many in the 20/20 episodes) are now dead. I wonder why she continues to do things that result in a corpse collection as part of her curriculum vitae. But I don’t wonder about her.

    I do hope the ‘captive’ patients that live with her can get away from her before their minds are set up to implode when she tires of them. I hope those who aren’t living with her get a clue before she does more damage to them (I know I’m not unique in how things ended with her, as the book would have warned me about). I hope she doesn’t drain their finances. I hope they don’t stay as long as I did. It wasn’t my job to tell her how to be a therapist, but now, I feel like I have an obligation to warn people to trust their gut if something seems off. To LEAVE abusiveness. To escape the constant chaos of unpredictability. To block all contact, in order to survive. I did block her in multiple places, and I still feel like I’m the ‘bad’ one in this situation. That I am so insignificant as a human that I deserved to be kicked to the curb by absolute indifference.

    If she was thinking I’d come up with more money to ‘MAKE me worthwhile’, she was dead wrong. There was nothing left to ‘come up’ with. She once messaged me to ‘sell everything’ (I have screenshots of many, many messages) when she asked me to send $1000 USD for some website that never materialized (always another deadline, and some looney claims about ‘investors’). I didn’t send anything, and that’s when gradual breadcrumbing became ignoring. She didn’t see messages for days to a week, but wanted control over food again… how in the hell was that supposed to work? A month went between calls more than once. If she wanted me to still believe in her, leaving me isolated was the perfect way for me to wake up and realize how much she was hurting me. I guess I can be thankful that her hurting me ‘enough’ finally woke me up to how fucked up things were.

    I’m glad I had the flawed mom I had- she did the best she could with how broken she was. I’m thankful for my biological mom, who is so much fun to talk to, and with whom I can just be goofy me without judgement. I’m thankful for previous good therapists I had, who had ethics and standards that kept things professional and fair. Even when there might be something difficult, they were honest with me, and I respect that a lot. I don’t respect creativity with the truth (bad enough that it’s a daily reminder in the US with who is ‘running; things). I don’t respect not following through with scheduled contact, or scripted empathy with no substance. I don’t respect manipulating already hurt people. I don’t respect self-promotion. I don’t respect hollow connections based on nothing.

    But I’m deeply grateful that I’m not her.



    Any reposts are originally from Atypically Recovering.

  • Figuring Out Food Intake With Volume Issues

    Figuring Out Food Intake With Volume Issues

    Photo: Adobe Stock

    I’m working on a way to get enough protein in, as well as more fruits and veggies. When I eat protein (generally dairy of some kind), it has to be OK for my kidneys and gout. That means meat, poultry, and fish/seafood are very limited. Spirulina, a type of algae (common in green and blue smoothies, and blue/green tinted foods), is among the worst for gout, with purine levels way too high to mess with. I’m not supposed to have more than 400mg of purines/day, and even that can be a problem since I can’t take enough gout meds because of my kidneys. So, I’m working on a plan to do about 1/3 of my protein intake with whey protein isolate powder via the nasogastric (NG) tube. I have to get about 1/2 of my fluids in by tube, so I figured that I’d make it worth it even more by tossing in the protein. I can adjust the amount of Isopure Clear (protein powder brand I like) based on what else I want each day… sometimes, produce and a bit of rice are all I want.

    Reducing the pressure of protein intake, enables me to eat more produce, which I like and is generally safe. That could change if potassium becomes an issue, but for now, it’s open season on fruits and veggies. The ones I prefer don’t bother my stomach, and when I roast a 9 x 13 inch pan of whatever sounds good (this week it’s zucchini, mushrooms, and Vidalia onions), I have enough for 2-3 days, and can mix them with rice or pasta (still freaked out by those, but rice has gotten easier) or baby potatoes. A sourdough bread roll is also nice sometimes since it’s an individual serving by default, and those are less scary. Toss on a condiment like teriyaki sauce, or some smoked salt and herbs, and it’s a pretty good meal.

    I do have meat/poultry/seafood now and then, but I have to be sure that I measure it out, both for purines and protein. Eighty to 90 grams isn’t a lot, but I am an omnivore and do like fish and chicken (especially smoked), so I just appreciate having them at all. Most of the time, I’m a lacto-ovo vegetarian because of gout. I don’t have the stomach capacity for the fluids I need (if I drink them) AND enough plant based protein, assisted by dairy, so I generally end up deficient in something and feeling like a beached whale with bloating. It’s too miserable to even bother with at this point, but the protein powder via tube has been helpful. Whatever works and doesn’t hurt seems to be a decent way to get enough in.

    Eventually, I’m going to have to eat and drink without the tube, but while I’m getting through this rough part of figuring out this recovery stuff with YouTube, books, and other media, this seems to be a solution that reduces stress, and increases the variety of fruit and veggies I can get in. I forget which video I was watching, but it suggested aiming for 15-20 different types of fruits and veggies per week. I’m starting out with 10, and will see how that goes, and then increase the variety that fits with my budget. Produce is very expensive in the US (like $9 USD for a pint of organic blueberries vs $5 for a 300 gram bag of frozen ones; my days of ‘luxury’ organics are over), but I do like some of the cheaper options like apples (about $1 each), pears, clementines, bananas, mushrooms, zucchini, spaghetti squash, and potatoes. The others will be seasonal items, which should help avoid flavor fatigue.

    I’ve never been much of a bread eater, but found a very good (and flexible) subscription company for sourdough rolls (they also have bread, but I’d waste too much of it), and different types of croissants. I’ve never really liked croissants because the grocery store ones are full of junk that isn’t needed, to extend shelf life to near immortality, and they taste a bit ’embalmed’. Wildgrain products don’t have unnecessary stuff in them, and bake up in 25 minutes or less from the freezer, so always fresh. The individual servings are also helpful with bread as well. There is a decent amount of protein in the ham and cheese fold-overs, and even the rolls add a little. I’m trying to add more stuff that ‘normal people’ eat.

    I don’t like that I have to deal with medical food restrictions while working on not restricting, but all I can do is make the best of it. I don’t like the NG tube, but kidney function has already been stressed twice in the last 5 years when I went into acute renal failure from not enough carbs (once during the time I was supposedly being ‘monitored’ by the ex-therapist). Fortunately, I was able to get it turned around. The dehydration and increased workload on the kidneys from so much protein and ketosis are bad news with known kidney disease, but those with normal kidney function can still be impacted.
    https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10121483/

  • Figuring Out A New Normal After Toxic Eating Disorder Therapy

    Figuring Out A New Normal After Toxic Eating Disorder Therapy

    I can’t begin to explain how hard the whole food thing has gotten (again) with the mess left behind from therapy hell. I’m still working on it- and doing what I can. I don’t think she has any idea how her words- or more importantly the LACK of words- can crush a mind that is already set on “worthless”. Or she simply got what she could out of me (money), and doesn’t really give a rip now. I know it’s not about me- I get that logically. But my head is using it to make life more hellish. My head can override logic in a nanosecond when it comes to the eating disorder.

    For all of the talk about not restricting, when I asked her what to do when I felt hungry (this was about a year + ago when I started feeling physical hunger again- took over 2 years), she told me to eat veggies and rice cakes… in other words, triggering DIET foods, but telling me NOT to diet- WTF? Tells ME not to restrict. WTF are rice cakes good for? Compressed packing peanuts? She suggested chocolate covered rice cakes….. seriously? It’s not food, and violates decent chocolate. And it’s a huge trigger back to the late 90s when I relapsed then. Being hungry terrifies me.

    Everything in the videos from people who have GOOD ED recovery advice (Tabitha Farrar, Elisa Oras, various recovery vlogs) says that even atypical restrictors get ‘extreme hunger’. Body size is irrelevant (less than %6 of people with eating disorders are medically underweight- and some who are technically overweight are the size their body type is healthiest at). They say to let it happen, and eat what sounds good. It won’t last forever. But I just freak out, and drink more water.
    https://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com/resources/eating-disorder-statistics

    I am terrified to eat when I finally DO feel hunger, and the “anti-diet” folks ALL talk about eating what sounds good, and however much feels right- that after decades/years (whatever it is for an individual), the body wants to consume what it has been lacking. Veggies and rice cakes are 2 food groups to restrictive eaters. It’s MORE RESTRICTION. It’s not stuff people who don’t restrict spend much time eating, at least without being under duress.

    Then add all of her damn-near-orthorexic-rules about additives, types of food, potentially problematic foods (for disorders I DON’T have- bad enough to deal with diabetes, kidney disease, and gout- no need to borrow trouble), and I didn’t feel that I could make a right decision…. but I guess that was the point. Make me depend on HER to tell me what to eat (she wanted to take control again last Spring)… but she’s nowhere to be found most of the time, so how was that supposed to work? I eat as cleanly as the US food supply and my wallet allows… but in the US, toxins are ingredients, and quality is expensive. Hell, cheap stuff is expensive.

    I just want to be ‘normal’… and lose weight that I don’t need (BMI charts are bullshit- made for men, and no differentiation between fat and muscle weight- I want to feel better). I could ‘live with’ how I looked after I got back from California (1996) after that treatment center. I lost more after I got home, but it was OK- I was eating, working, and hanging out with friends. Like a real human. I was still very conscious of what I ate, and avoided eating around others for about 3 years (except to ‘look OK’ at the drug/alcohol treatment place where I worked, that air-mailed me to CA after a formal intervention). But I was managing.

    While my dietician is telling me to put tube feeding supplements through the tube when needed, I still have “too fat to eat normal food when hungry” barreling through my head. I’ll see my dietician in about a month. She told me that in the meantime, if something sounds good, eat it- even if it’s not uber healthy. It’s OK to enjoy food just for the hell of it. And that sounds good, but triggers a lot of guilt. I hope to eat an apple cider donut later- it’s on the list for today, and I don’t want to chicken out.

    I wanted to believe ‘good’. I wanted to believe that the therapist I saw on TV in the late 90s still existed. I knew she had helped a lot of people. I didn’t want to believe any of the negative press (there’s a lot of it online). But I think I know now why people died after stopping therapy with her (many relapsed, though since some left treatment before- or after- their ‘stages’ were completed, they’re not really known about other than the more famous ones). The inconsistent contact, not calling when she said she would, taking others’ emergency calls but not mine, “breadcrumbing”, etc take a huge toll emotionally. It’s the default ‘setting’ in my head to cut back on food. It’s been mass chaos and confusion. She’d blame it on not finishing up all of the stages (I was stuck in Stage 2 of 5)… but how does someone do that when she’s MIA and might not call for a month at a time, but wanted control over food again? I would have had better input by throwing darts at a list of food. Or just pointing to something in the freezer or fridge, but that would lead to an ongoing internal dialogue about the horrors of whatever I picked. Thank goodness my dietitian is easy to work with, and backs up her recommendations with a Masters degree in nutrition, experience with eating disorders, and sound science.

    Nobody will write “She avoided nightshades” on my tombstone.

    https://serenity-sessions.com/breadcrumbing-psychology-how-to-stop-chasing-emotional-crumbs/