Atypically Recovering

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Becoming aware of being on the lousy end of psychological manipulation is painful, and creates a state of being that requires dismantling the lies and reclaiming oneself. When the person doing the manipulating is someone who was supposed to be helpful and healing, the sense of betrayal and feelings of worthlessness can seem too overwhelming to process. Trust is disemboweled. For a time, it seems like nothing will ever get back to feeling safe. And one of the hardest questions has been “how was I so gullible?”. Here’s the thing- it wasn’t my job not to be ‘gullible’, it is always the therapist’s job to have integrity, do what they were paid to do, and maintain proper boundaries. There have been studies on psychological manipulation for a long time. These tactics can be found in any type of relationship, including between a therapist and client.

Nobody expects to be emotionally controlled by someone else. That’s why it works. Initially, things seem productive and beneficial. There’s a level of trust that can seem to come easily when the therapist claims to have knowledge nobody else has, and is likely the only person who can help. They have the ability to connect with the client quickly, and put them at ease. What the client doesn’t know is that this is all part of the process of building a foundation suitable for moving on to deeper types of control and manipulation, and it’s a form of abuse.

The article below from Dark Psychology Lab (“The Psychology of Manipulation: Mechanisms, Tactics, and Defense”) goes through stages and steps the therapist (or anyone) can use to gain more control over time, and expects the client to fall into line with the ‘programming’ as well as prop up the therapist’s own self-esteem. In this post, I’ll go through the first parts of the sequence examples in the article, and include my own thoughts or experiences italicized in parentheses.

The Illusion Of Safety- designed for trust building, and includes mirroring beliefs or values of the client, love-bombing or over-validation, and asking for a small favor so the client feels that trust is building. It’s designed to lower defenses. (This was true for me during the first 5-6 months of ‘therapy’, and it worked- for her. I felt like I meant something, and trusted the therapist to have my best interests when interacting with me via messages and WhatsApp calls. This was also the time when I was asked to give background information about trauma, medical history, and any psychiatric hospitalizations/ diagnoses which all seemed ‘normal’ for a therapist to want to know. I didn’t realize I was giving out ammunition left, right, and center that could be used – or ignored- in further traumatizing me, but that was also tempered with terms of endearment which also worked with the dependency required for maximum control of me- and the other patients she had/has).

Vulnerability Mapping– getting information to find leverage to use when needed- Strategic self-disclosure is done basically to make it easier for the client to tell their vulnerabilities. Boundary testing is to see what will be tolerated. Reaction testing is done specifically to find out what is destabilizing to the client, which should never be part of ‘good’ therapy. To purposely aim to destabilize someone who is already vulnerable is cruel. (For me, it was hearing about medical issues- after telling me how healthy she was during the initial call- and likely playing to my having been a RN for decades. I also heard about parts of her first marriage, which- if true- were way into the ‘too much information’ category. As time went on, a lot of the things she said made no medical sense. The biggest trigger for me in reaction testing was the lack of punctuality that got worse over time, eventually not calling at all, with no reason, or some reason I now question. It’s a form of passive aggression, and negates that the client’s time is also valuable to them.)

Applying the Leverage– using emotions to cue compliance, via guilt trips, reinforcing the self-doubts of the client, and using threats of abandonment to foster submission and agreement. (I’d hear “I’m trying to save your life” in a tone implying I wasn’t aware of that or wasn’t grateful for, or following, her ‘guidance’. With self-doubt reinforcement, it wasn’t as pronounced as reinforcing abandonment issues and using inconsistent contact as a destabilizing tool. When I said I wanted to quit, she’d say that someone else would fill my spot within a day or two, NEVER acknowledging that I had the right to self-determination.)

Psychological Confusion– used to distort perception and make their views the ones to depend on, nobody else’s. This is done with gaslighting (denying or twisting events), DARVO- deny, attack, reverse victim/offender so that the clients reaction is the problem. Also avoidance that creates unclear messages that protects the manipulator from accountability. There’s deliberately withholding context/explanations that keep the client confused and dependent, and vague rules or criticism that keeps the client having to guess what’s going on. (For me, this included being aggressively confronted for having my own views on a topic she saw as only black or white- not shades of gray which are so common in healthcare. Gaslighting happened anytime she was confronted with anything less than total agreement, approval, singing her praises, or ‘siding’ with her when other clients did/said something she didn’t like. She emailed me that how things felt to me were wrong- which is completely negating my right to my own feelings. With the denying, attacking, and reversing the victim/offender- or client/therapist roles- I have emails where she went full-on ‘victim’ after she’d been avoiding contact and was confronted. Denying was a favorite. The avoidance came about mostly with phone calls that were planned but didn’t happen- sometimes with no comment on why she didn’t call or saying she’d suddenly had a migraine or other medical issue that isn’t predictable. I believed those for a long time, but eventually they were all just ‘excuse noise’. She’d drop some hints at something being wrong, but then wouldn’t clarify “to protect” me but doing the opposite instead, but whatever was ‘wrong’ didn’t prevent her from flying to different countries to visit patients, going to conferences, or sending me 20 photos from a walk along the Thames River when she couldn’t be bothered to pick up the phone- that email reply was a real victim mentality piece of work. With not knowing what was going on, the phone calls that didn’t happen were the most common; I quit waiting for them, and went on with what i needed to do, knowing that more likely than not I wouldn’t get any call. If she called, she called. If not? Oh well).

Dependency Reinforcement– used for behavioral conditioning and having control over the client firmly established. These are self-explanatory, and where she really started to lose me.  (I’ve been very independent for a lot of my childhood and entire adult life, rarely accepting help from others). Unpredictable warmth/distance that impact attachment, silent treatment (not seeing messages or emails for days to months), and negative reinforcement loop- “sustained tension or disapproval is removed only after compliance, conditioning you to equate conformity with emotional relief and increasing self-censorship to prevent future discomfort.” (this became more noticeable when I started refusing to send money for personal reasons- I was tapped out, and her rent wasn’t my responsibility. As far as self-censorship goes, once I got to the point of not censoring myself, it was over. I might not say much in the moment, but that doesn’t mean I’m not taking notes- literally or figuratively. She’d overplayed her hand, and with the decreasing contact, there was no more reinforcement of her views and psychological  cues. She’d talked about flying me to Switzerland for “3 months”, but I wasn’t ever going to go. With medical limitations, the logistics were daunting, especially since we’d never met even on a video call, where she would see the issues first hand and the supplies/equipment I need just to get through the day safely. I also don’t go anywhere that I can’t get myself home without anyone being involved that I don’t feel safe contacting. It’s self-preservation and a safety mechanism I’ve had in place for ages).

Social Escalation– used for compliance, isolation, or reputation damage. (These were used whenever someone stopped believing her or had doubts). “Triangulation: pulling a third person into the dynamic to control the narrative and shift power.” (she used other patients as buddies to talk to me, to promote her brand, which isn’t terrible when proper boundaries are in place; this is in NO way the fault of the buddies) “Smear campaign: subtle or systematic reputation damage that weakens your support network” (I didn’t have much of a support network here, so this wasn’t as much of a factor for me). “Public shaming: “jokes,” comments, manipulations, or criticism in front of others to lower your status.” (I heard about other patients and their families any time one of them wasn’t towing the brand’s taglines or had done something that angered her- mostly involving money; some were egregious breaches if true. My deduction is that she’s done the same with others about me since I stopped talking to her over a year ago, and got the last, rather odd email reply after the Besson article came out over 2 months ago). She doesn’t have the professional qualifications to diagnose anyone with any disorder, but anyone who disagreed with her was instantly a “borderline” referring to borderline personality disorder. It’s her go-to ‘defense’ by smearing someone else- and she named names, which is at best grossly unprofessional, and in the US, a federal crime under HIPAA (privacy required of all healthcare professionals, punishable by monetary fines or prison).

https://www.kipuhealth.com/resources/hipaa-violation-examples-penalties-how-to-prevent-them/

I will focus on other parts of the article below in future posts. It’s a LOT of information to take in and process. And, it could prevent someone else from ending up in a situation where manipulation and psychological control are the goal. If you’ve been in this situation, the article will validate what you’re feeling and have felt when in the high-control situation with someone who is skilled at manipulation, and causes emotional trauma.