My therapist doesn’t believe in letting people with psychological disorders “opt out”… and that’s not the only thing I’m dealing with (eating disorder). I have so many chronic medical conditions, several with significant dietary restrictions that have to be monitored, and I don’t see a way to get away from “numbers” when I have to know protein, sodium, purines, and carbohydrates to manage 3 of the conditions. I also need to know my weight to determine a diuretic dose. I don’t want to know any of this. I’m tired of it. I want peace. I want some time when I can just know that it’s not going to be long. Death isn’t the goal. Relief is. The degree of pain (physical and emotional) is getting to be more than I can handle when I feel like I’m adrift in an angry ocean on a leaking life raft.
I was a fool to think I’d get well.
Category: Eating Disorder
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Another Day/Week/Month of Tears
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All I Do Is Cry
That’s pretty much the post. The torment about eating while still having weight to lose is getting to be too much. I don’t want to die, but I’m tired of waking up (there is a difference). I don’t have the energy to do anything… but if someone tried to shoot me, I wouldn’t run.
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What Will 2024 Be Like?
Last year, I thought I’d be doing better than I am by this time. There have been more medical issues this year that derail eating, and have made keeping the NG tube in longer, just to get enough fluids in. Sometimes I also add a bottle of protein water if I’m low on that for the day.
Tomorrow, I see a new pain doctor (actually a nurse practitioner, which is generally a good thing), and I am somewhat fearful. Pain is such a taboo topic, and yet I’m at the point that I can’t keep this level of pain up indefinitely. My right shoulder bicep tendon is either damaged or completely shot, so use of my right arm is pretty limited. The pain if I move something incorrectly is the kind where I see stars.
I hope that I can get some kind of momentum going with the eating disorder recovery, because I’m losing patience with myself. I know it’s taken more than 54 years to get to this point, but I still expect myself to do better, even with no frame of reference for “normal” eating. I also hope to be drinking the full 2 liters before another year goes by- it’s been 18 months since I first put the NG in, and even though every one of my doctors has seen it, nobody has offered to help by prescribing the tubes and bags, so it’s all out of pocket on a disability income. For those shameless sods who think I inherited a fortune, they have no clue.
My level of hope is overshadowed by pain, and at the same time, I don’t want to give up. I’m learning about food as if I’ve never seen the stuff before. For those people out there who have kids whose weight they are concerned about, never make it about appearance. Never do anything without medical oversight- or you could end up with a ‘child’ whose lifespan is shortened by endless complications from restricting food from childhood, that carries on into adulthood because of not knowing anything different. Focus on health. Looks come and go no matter what- but if someone loses their health, there really aren’t a lot of ways to get that back. Especially in a capitalistic healthcare model. Keeping citizens healthy doesn’t benefit those who profit from keeping people sick and dependent on medications or treatments. -
Another Christmas With The Dog
Since my dad died, I tend to avoid holiday get togethers, not just because of missing him, but because of the chaos that goes through my head when the idea of eating in front of others is in the mix. I haven’t eaten around anyone for years. I haven’t been to a restaurant in about 7 years. I know that there isn’t a single person in any restaurant that cares what I’m eating, but the feeing of being too fat to deserve food is pervasive. There’s no escape yet. I passed out twice this morning trying to get out of bed… at least I have the drill down to lean back on the bed when the lights start going out.
I did manage to allow myself some Swedish potato sausage (potatiskorv), and a piece of forbidden chocolate. I’ve gained too much weight in the last couple of months, and I’m not sure if it was from steroids for pain, worsening kidney function, or what. The stress of more severe pain isn’t helping. Only 9 more days until the appointment with the new pain management folks… my degenerative joint disease and damaged bicep tendon are causing some “seeing stars” kind of pain.
The dog turned 11 years old on Christmas Eve, and surprised me with her quick deducing of the interactive toy that requires her to pull stuffed carrots out of felt “pots” to find a treat. She’s not great with a lot of interactive toys, but figured this one out on the first go. No remedial toys needed (this time). She’s been very happy, and is such a great little companion.
I’ve been invited to a friend’s home for dinner with her family, but aside from the whole eating panic, I’m not that social. I tend to freeze around people I don’t know. The offers are very nice, but I’m not at a place where that would be at a manageable stress level.
I hope everyone is having a great holiday season, whatever you celebrate.