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TW: talk of calories and restriction
No matter how long I’ve been at this, I know that some of the things I say I don’t like are really food fears. I do have some legit “hate” foods {baked beans, sweet potatoes, peas, winter squashes (acorn, butternut, etc), cooked carrots, kidney beans, lemongrass/ rosemary/ginger if they’re the main flavors, raw tomatoes, ‘al fredo’ anything, and others}, but there are also things that I’m just plain terrified of, and haven’t been able to get near for a long time, or if I did, my ‘head’ made the idea of repeating the exercise too miserable to consider- casseroles, restaurant food that has no nutritional information, pecan pie, etc.
While I still restrict calories and some categories of foods, I am better about trying things with 1-3 bites, depending on what it is. Much of the time, it’s just about getting the macros in to protect my kidneys, minimize muscle gain, and aim for weight loss. I have re-tried a few of the ‘hate’ foods, and I truly can’t stand them. Some go back to young childhood when I’d eaten them (cooked carrots, baked beans, cold french fries) and I threw them up immediately. My body pushed the ‘eject’ button- it wasn’t intentional. But the disgust, and frankly the ‘reject flavor’, has stuck with me for over 5 decades. I think it’s pretty clear that those are food ‘hates’, and not simple avoidance of calories.
Except for very rare instances when biological hunger overrides my restricting, I’m about 500-700 calories short of my daily caloric intake ‘goal’ set by the dietician I saw for several years (and who gave good advice; solid, logical, and understood the fear). I could have a serving of something decadent, and still be under my calorie goal ‘limit’. And yet, I can’t just eat something for the sake of enjoyment or convenience. There has to be a reason for the food to be bothered with- carbs to avoid acute renal failure again, fats to burn fat, protein for cell structure, etc. But I still want my muscle mass to shrink, and to lose as much weight as possible, even though I end up mentally trashed. Even the ‘bingeing’ is within %150 of my goal calorie intake, so it’s a minor binge as far as ‘real’ binges go- but if it’s unplanned, it’s ‘bad’ and I’m terrible for ‘giving in’ to my body’s reaction to biological hunger.
If someone comments about a food being ‘bad’ (to them), I wonder if I’m ‘bad’ for it not being on my ‘bad’ list. If someone says something is good, I find all kinds of reasons why I medically shouldn’t (or sometimes can’t) have something, or that my body isn’t small enough to deserve to eat a food just because it sounds good. There is no ‘neutral’ food to speak of. There are those that I don’t panic about, but would prefer to avoid. If I enjoy something, it’s an automatic feeling of having done something sketchy, and therefore ‘bad’. There is no escape.
Because of how long this has gone on (45+ years on my own, and another 10 prior to that when my mom bribed me to lose weight when I wasn’t fat, paying $1/pound for each pound I lost or buying ANY food I needed for the diet du jour) I don’t know how to eat normally. The entire family restricted at some point, and my mom was a serial restrictor. One 15-oz can of ravioli was split between the three of us for dinner. Dad would have a blob of iceberg lettuce and bottled dressing, and there might be bread on the table. If I didn’t like something (tomato soup, bean & bacon soup- both canned, BLT sandwiches, etc) I was welcome not to eat at all. It was neither parents’ concern. And there were no options for having something else. Eat what’s served, or don’t eat.
I think that’s where ‘tasting’ comes in. My head doesn’t get too worked up over 1-3 bites of something that I’m not ‘allowed’ a full portion (whether the ED voice, or medical food restrictions for gout, diabetes, and kidney disease). Even if I really like the taste of something, I can’t have more than a couple of bites. Those are the ‘rules’.
Things I’d like to have without analyzing the crap out of via nutritional information: a sandwich that I don’t know all of the ingredients, a side dish that has many components, a dessert that isn’t plain fruit or a couple of military biscuits, and several things that I haven’t had for many years. I know that to work through this, I’ll have to eat foods that scare me, and that means a full portion, not just tasting. And I’m not there yet. I see what is in the mirror, and immediately, I’m terrible for even considering putting X into my mouth.
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